(Closed) should I say yes

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@chicamegita07:  How exactly do you plan to “find out if there is something” between you and Daniel?By breaking things off with Chris or by going behind his back?  No, I don’t think you should just move on with the wedding if your having these thoughts, not because there may be something better with Daniel but because you just don’t sound ready for a serious commitment that marriage is. If you know Chris is the love of your life and don’t want to screw things up with him then you have to be strong and put a stop to your feelings or thoughts of a possibly happy life with Daniel or your just setting yourself up for a slippery slope toward an emotional affair or worse.  And I really don’t know how you can say “yes” to your boyfriend if he proposes while you have feelings for another man? You really need to turn the situation around and think how you would feel if Chris’s “best friend” that’s a girl told him that she had feelings for him and that he felt the same way and was questioning whether he should just go threw with marrying you or see what happens with her first once she is back from school.. Sorry if this all sounds harsh but I think you really need to wake up and see how you can really screw things up in your life by letting 2 men into your heart.. It doesn’t always end like those romantic movies.

Post # 4
Member
2731 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@misrusticj: <— Exactly what she said.

This may sound harsh, but it really sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too, so to speak. Knowing only what you’ve told us in your post, my initial reaction is that you are nowhere near ready for marriage if you’re even considering trying to “see” if there are feelings between you and your friend. If you know you are happy and completely in love with your current boyfriend, why is that not enough? Like sure, there are other guys that I’ve been attracted to/had crushes on around the same time that my fiance and I started dating, but I didn’t just let go of our wonderful relationship over a little “what if.” There is probably more man on the earth that you could have a “good relationship” with, but if you say Chris is the love of your life, why would you jeopardize that? I’m really not trying to be a bitch to you, if that’s how it’s coming off. But to answer your question, you should ignore your girlfriends because they seem to be giving you terrible advice. However, I wouldn’t go forward with the wedding plans until you talk to Chris about this situation. Maybe you two have more to talk about.

And if you don’t mind my asking, how long have the two of you been together? Because from the way you said that Daniel didn’t want to be in a long distance relationship while he is studying abroad, it made it seem as though that were an option because you were single when he told you about his feelings… 

Post # 5
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I agree with above posters, you are just not ready for a serious commitment, if you go through the wedding with Chris but still with feelings or thoughts for another man, it is in sense a betrayal, and that’s not fair to Daniel, who devoted all himself to you only, right? So you gotta clear things out before you proceed with your wedding, it maybe a tough decision, but will be a correct and responsible one.

Post # 6
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

It doesn’t even matter what Daniel feels.  The very fact that you are having those thoughts shows that you are not supposed to be getting married. 

Women about to get engaged do not talk like this in real life.  This might be what’s happening on whatever teen drama you watch (Gossip Girl?), but this is not normal.

Post # 7
Member
2815 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

If nothing else, you need to postpone the wedding and you and Chris should get counseling.

Post # 8
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@misrusticj: I agree with what misrustici said… if you go through with a wedding while having strong feelings for someone else you are just setting your marriage up for failure. You need to figure out whether you want Daniel or Chris, and do so without hurting your SO.

Maybe you should take a break and have a frank discusson with your SO. “I love you and I am excited that one day we might get married, but right now I am having a hard time dealing with such a big commitment, and I think I need time to explore before settling down.”

Post # 9
Member
12973 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yep, I agree with the others.  You aren’t ready to get married…to either of them…at all. 

You are supposed to be committed to your Fiance 100% when you say yes, and you seem to be hesitating with that already by thinking that there may be something between you and your friend.  That’s not the solid foundation for a marriage that you should be establishing now.  If you have major doubts like these, then you aren’t ready.  Everyone has some doubts/fears about getting married, but wondering about marrying another man while you’re engaged is a serious red flag.

I also agree completely with BoiledPNut — get counseling and work this out before it’s too late.

Post # 10
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I have to agree with the other PP. If you are not 100% ready to commit to one person for the rest of your life, why are you thinking about getting engaged? What if Chris told you that even though he might want to maybe marry you, he has feelings for another girl and wants to check that out first? That is not a foundation for a marriage. 

Marriage is about endurance. Most people have the one that got away, or might develop a crush on someone else – whatever, we are human and emotions happen. The difference is how you act on it, and how much effort your put into cultivating your own marriage over time. If you want to marry your boyfriend, work on that relationship and cut out the other guy from the picture for good. Your FH comes first, and that starts now. I hope you’ll agree that it’s what Chris deserves and if you can not give that to him you need to reconsider the role you have in his life…or at least how much you consider your friends’ advice. 

Post # 11
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@chicamegita07:Sadly, I agree that you probably aren’t ready. There are always going to be other temptations in life… but you shouldn’t really notice them or see them as a option because you’ve chosen your option in life. If you are still seeing them than you haven’t pick the right person or you just aren’t ready.

Marriage is a serious commitment and you shouldn’t go into it if you are having doubts.

Post # 12
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

I definitely agree that you aren’t ready to make that kind of a commitment. If Chris truly is the love of your life, then you wouldn’t be wondering if someone else could take his place. What would Daniel be, if you discovered there was something between the two of you? I would suggest backing down on the engagement and if you do truly want to know if it could work between you & Daniel then be honest with Chris and end the relationship. You can’t have both, it’s not fair to either man.

Post # 13
Member
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

If you love Chris that much while still having warm fuzzies w/Daniel, the right thing to do is to cut off communication.  The fact that he’s been your best friend this whole time while you’ve been w/Chris has been totally inappropriate.  You’re definitely not ready for engagement or marriage.  And you need to make an unpleasant choice soon, because, as someone said earlier, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.  

Post # 14
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

If you feel that Chris is the one, why would you have these feelings for Daniel? I’m sorry, but I think you should take a step back from both of them and really try to evaluate where you stand. If there is enough pull to Daniel that you question leaving Chris, then things with Chris probably aren’t meant to be. However, that doesn’t mean that things with Daniel are, either. It sounds like you don’t really know what you want in life, and you need to work on that first.

Post # 15
Member
341 posts
Helper bee

If you were that serious about Chris you wouldn’t be thinking about Daniel. Do Chris a favor and leave, he deserves to be with someone who loves him, is in love with him, and wants to be with him for life not until something better comes along.

Post # 16
Member
2025 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that just because you get the warm fuzzies for another guy, does NOT mean that you are making the wrong choice. I for one still getting a little twitterpated about one of my exes, but I absolutely know there is a reason he is my ex, and that SO is the one for me. 

I would say, do a lot of soul searching. Sure, there are the “what if’s” about Daniel, but  “what if” you and Chris split and you NEVER get a second chance with him? Will you be saying “what if I had stayed” in a year? Life is not supposed to be lived in the “what ifs”, but the “what is”, and if “what is” isn’t working for you, then you need to decide what is best for you, and how to fix it. 

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