Post # 1
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
I was recently invited to a bridal shower that I cannot attend and I’m wondering if I should even send a gift. A little background: The shower is for my DH’s cousin’s fiancee. I don’t really know her, I’ve only seen her in person about 3 or 4 times and she lives a plane ride away from me which is where the shower is taking place. While I am invited to the wedding, I’m not in the wedding and neither is Darling Husband, She and DH’s cousin attended our wedding as guests.
Darling Husband is not close to his cousin, the groom in this situation. And no one in the family really likes the bride, let’s call her Sara. From day #1 Sara has made it clear through her actions that she is only interested in material things and has done several insulting things to Darling Husband and I. Nothing we weren’t able to quickly get over, but for example: Sara made it so she and DH’s cousin skipped our Rehearsal Dinner since she insisted on flying in that morning instead of the night before. On our wedding day, she caused a huge fight between her and DH’s cousin since she was mad that they weren’t engaged yet and as a result I realized she and DH’s Cousin are not in any guest pictures since they were off fighting the entire reception. And in general we aren’t super pleased with her since she constantly talks down to DH’s cousin and insults him in front of us and other family members.
Anyway, Sara was actually invited to my 2nd bridal shower, but that is only because it was being thrown by my DH’s family who live near Sara so it would have been rude not to invite her. Sara did not attend, but she sent a small gift. That is why I think I might have to also send her a gift, but I feel like I shouldn’t have been invited to the shower in the first place since I obviously can’t make it and now of course feel obligated to send a gift, which makes me suspicious that it might be a ‘gift grab’ type of situation.
What do you all think?
Post # 3
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
She sounds like a pain, but since she sent you a small gift, I’d say reciprocate. It doesn’t need to be anything big, maybe a gift card.
Post # 4
Member
47209 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Have you even considered the possibilty that she invited you to be polite? That as she was invited to one of your showers, she might have thought it would be rude not to invite you?
It is always best in family matters to take the high road. Decline the invitation asap to the hostess, and send her a card and small gift or gift card.
Post # 5
Member
6571 posts
Bee Keeper
That’s kind of crappy, I think it’s kind of rude to invite people so far away that you’re not close to. But I would send something small anyway, it would make it easier and you don’t want to start any fights in the family.
Post # 6
Member
676 posts
Busy bee
I’d send a small gift and a card with my regrets.
Post # 7
Member
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper
I would not send a gift, personally. I wouldn’t even send a card. You don’t like this girl and hopefully it will stop future invites for events you obviously know you can’t attend. If anything, I’d send her an email saying: thanks for thinking of me for the shower, sorry I can’t attend! and leave it like that.
Post # 8
Member
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
I dont think you should send a gift. You can get them a gift for their wedding and let that be that. No big deal IMO
Post # 9
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
I agree with people who are saying I should send something small in order to avoid any kind of family fight, but part of me is so upset that I was even invited in the first place, because it was clearly a gift grab. There is no way she invited me to be polite, if you knew her you would understand. She has done so many rude things to me and other family members I didn’t mention in my OP, there is no way she would try to be polite to me.
I’m also going to ask my Mother-In-Law who feels the same way about Sara that I do. If she tells me not to send a gift, I might just skip it.
Post # 10
Member
5493 posts
Bee Keeper
I think you should send a gift. In this situation the gift is not just to her but to your DH’s cousin as they will both be enjoying whatever you get them together. I’m sure she invited you out of obligation because you are family. For the same reason I would send a small gift.
Post # 11
Member
9028 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I would send a card or maybe a regift lol since you dont like her.
Post # 12
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
Normally I’d say you are not required to send a gift, but if she sent you a small one, I’d reciprocate.
Post # 13
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
I think you should decline to attend but send a small gift. You may have been invited because you were invited to the wedding, in some areas custom is to invite everyone to the shower that is invited to the wedding. Depending on where she is from this could be what she is doing.
Post # 14
Member
3279 posts
Sugar bee
I think if you think it is a gift grab then you shouldn’t reward that behaviour with a gift.
She is clearly following the “it’s your wedding do whatever you want” school of thought. Or the ever popular “I did XXXXX thing and nobody complained” I think sending a gift (when you feel it’s a gift grab) is not helping her in the long run.
You have etiquette on your side for this one, use it. You are not obligated to send a gift whenever you get an invitation to an event. It doesn’t matter if it’s a birthday, anniversary, shower, new year. Invitations are not summons’ or bills with something owing.
If this was someone you were close with and enjoyed I’d feel differently. But you barely like this person.
Post # 15
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
I agree with @julies1949. But you know better than we do as to her reasons for inviting you. Even if her intentions weren’t pure, still send a small gift & a little note. I think it’s the polite thing to do, and it will create the least potential family stress for you.
Post # 16
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee
Honestly, I wouldn’t send a gift. Especially since there is so much animosity that she has brought on herself. You can send a card but even that isn’t required.
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