Should I send my narc parents an elopement announcement?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 17
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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Sansa85 : yes that’s true. That’s why I said to *write* them. I guess I just don’t see giving up on parents/ family so readily! It seems common to label parents/family “narcissist, toxic” etc and to go no contact these days for somewhat minimal things (NOT saying ops issue with them is minimal though,  don’t know all details ) Recently someone here even thought it appropriate to cut off her parents because they were wouldn’t pay for her car….

My point being people are human and make mistakes and will disagree with you, and your choices, especially parents!  That does not necessarily mean they are “narcissitic”, or “evil”, “toxic”, “unsupportive” and thus deserve to be discarded! (NOT saying this is ops situation)… I did  read ops other thread first, to see what was going on.  Op still cares for them or she wouldn’t be worried about her elopment….so why not try to begin affresh, if possible, was my point. 

Post # 18
4905 posts
Honey bee

Just out of curiosity, what is your end game here?  Just avoid the topic and hope it never comes up until one of you dies?  Lie about it until one of you dies?  Hope that if you only mention it generically, they are too dumb to realize marriage records are public record and not look it up or ask anyone else?

You aren’t no contact.  You do maintain limited contact via email.  Since you choose to maintain some contact, I think it would likely be even worse to get the news second hand than directly from you (even if that is a written announcement).  If they choose to make a fuss, then you can choose to not engage – don’t answer their calls, delete their emails, block them on social media etc.

It sounds like all you are doing is prolonging the inevitable.

Post # 19
1368 posts
Bumble bee

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forestberries :  As you state that you are keeping in contact with them several times a year “Once every couple of months” and you are indeed not ” no contact” you have kept communication lines open. Which leaves a door open for a possible future relationship if you and your spouse so choose. I am a huge believer in being honest and clear as that engenders respect. 

In answer to your question about giving them a heads up. If the marriage is a fait accompli and you have already eloped, then I would not bother. I personally would just send the announcement but only you know what makes you feel more comfortable. Congrats on your marriage By The Way. It has been a rocky road. I wish you a long and happy life together.

Post # 20
2909 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2006

I’m really floored by some of these responses. My husbands dad is a manipulative, abusive narcissist. He cut them (Mom and Dad) out of his life over a year ago. They once went without talking for 2 years. He slowly let him back in and the inevitable happened. This time it’s for good. 

Just because you talk to them via email once every few months doesn’t mean you’re open to a more involved relationship down the line. Sometimes minimal contact is all you can deal with. I get that. With his dad it’s 0% or 110% so he chose zero. 

Only YOU can decide what works for you. And I don’t give a damn if someone is family or not, abuse is abuse, whether physical or emotional or both. If anyone else did it, you wouldn’t speak to them again so why is family different? Because they’re your blood? That’s a bunch of BS to think you should just suffer through it because of whatever you wanna tell yourself. Like their age or that’s how it was back in their day or they want the best for you and that’s why they’re assholes or maybe it’s not as bad as you say and you’re so quick to say “narcissist.” To hell with that. Also, side eyeing so hard at someone that’s brazen enough to say if you aren’t physically harmed by your parents that you haven’t suffered abuse. Dear God. 

You do you. If you wanna tell them, tell them. If you don’t, don’t. Just own it be prepared for the consequences if they find out from another source and shit hits the fan. You’re aware of how they may react, so at least you’re going into it with eyes open. 

Post # 22
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Well.. one way or another, they will eventually find out you are married. Whether it is directly from you or someone else. I haven’t read your other thread, so I don’t know if this is the type of estrangement that is likely to go on, or if you may someday heal and repair your relationship with them. If you do happen to want a better relationship someday, them finding out from someone else that you got married is not a step in that direction. Perhaps you could do something more personal, like handwriting a letter to them if you don’t feel comfortable with a face to face. Randomly getting an announcement will not go over well, regardless of whether the date is on there. Which, while we are on that, I wouldn’t worry about altering the announcement to make people feel better. Unless your wedding date is sworn to secrecy, that will come out, and people will find out you sent two different versions. Not good. In general, I disagree with PP about not sending an announcement. I think announcements are very appropriate. Conversly, not ever formally telling people and counting on word of mouth will make it seem more like a secret, and will create more resentment than an honest announcement directly from you. I can’t tell you what to do, but think about the relationship you hope to have with them in the future. If you honestly don’t see reconciliation in the future, I suppose the method you choose won’t make much difference. If it does matter, then perhaps a letter if not a face to face meeting. Maybe a lunch. Although I agree with Sansa that face to face won’t go over well with a truly toxic person. They may get mad at a letter, but they can’t sit there and yell at it all day long. 

Post # 25
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Just send the elopement announcement and leave it as it is.

With my father we’re not close anymore because he tried some emotional blackmail a few years ago and threw his toys out the pram over something my brother was doing. We didn’t speak for a while and now only occasionally speak via email or fb messenger. He found out about my engagement through a Facebook announcement and no he wasn’t happy I hadn’t called him directly and gave me the silent treatment again for a while. But I refuse to reward childish behaviour from adults, family or not with my attention.

I think this is the approach you should take. You eloped to make your life stress free and avoid their bad behaviour. So by all means send them the announcement when you send out everyone else’s and if they react badly, don’t react, don’t reward their behaviour with attention. 

On the more general subject of elopement announcements, I’ve only ever received one, and I thought it was super cute. They had pictures on their wedding day and had them made into postcards with the caption “guess who snuck off and got married”. I thought it was brilliant. didn’t get upset my friends got married without me there because they did what they wanted and made them happy and I support that. I also don’t see how it’s gift grabby as has been suggested. You’re just telling your friends and family you got married, not asking for anything. I can understand being a bit miffed because people want to celebrate with their friends, but anyone who reacts badly isn’t thinking about the couple and what the couple wants, in my opinion they are more upset they missed a party, which to me is selfish. 

Post # 26
562 posts
Busy bee

Mention it in one of your emails, if that is how you have contact currently. If you are not completely no contact it does seem a bit strange to not mention it. Don’t send an announcment though, that just seems weird.

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