(Closed) Should I send STDs to unwanted family members?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2010 - Trinity Presbyterian Church/Harrison Opera House

I did not invite all of my extended family.  There were a few issues, similar to yours.  In the end, since my parents are paying for the majority of the wedding, I talked to my parents about who we should invite.  We came up with a rule that if I didn’t have a personal relationship with them, we wouldn’t invite them.  My Dad said that he would run interference and explain to anyone why they weren’t invited if they made a fuss.  I personally don’t think family should be invited just because they’re family.  I was delighted to invite several close family friends who are as close as family and treat me well.  Since I didn’t have a relationship with the people we didn’t invite, not inviting them didn’t hurt the relationship at all.

Post # 4
575 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010 - Kindred Oaks, Georgetown

It’s a really touchy subjust but what I plan on doing is sending the Save-The-Date Cards to the people I actually intend on inviting and when it comes time to send out the invites if I decide I want to invite those other people I’ll send them and invite. The way I see it is if they get a STD, it’s kinda like they’re guaranteed an invite. Maybe try my technique? Sorry I don’t have better advice. Good luck!

Post # 5
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

We are only sending STD’s to the people we REALLY want there. If you don’t send and STD to her, but she gets an invitation, I think that is perfectly fine. You’re still being cordial and giving her the opportunity to come.

Post # 6
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

@lamb: I am so envious of your parents’ support of that limit… I’m having a lot of guest list drama of my own this week. 😉

I would just skip the STD for all of them and send your favorite cousin an email, or send it to all of them anyway. My initial thought was just not to send an STD to someone who you don’t actually want to have save the date, but if you want to send one to her son, that might start to look bad.

Post # 7
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think it’s good to send the Save-The-Date Cards only to people that you want to come to the wedding but I think it might put some people in awkward situations if they are invited but their parents aren’t or other things like that.

Post # 8
683 posts
Busy bee

Hmmm, can you pull a “I’m only inviting people in the midwest, (region) to keep the wedding intimate..” sort of thing? Or that you do n’t want anyone to have to tracel to far…..?

Post # 9
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

with my dad’s blessing, I did not invite one of his siblings and her husband to our wedding. Similar to your situation, they have been pretty awful… and for a long time refused to talk to any of us. They also didn’t invite any of us to their son’s wedding (or even tell us about it). So no, you don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want to. But if you choose not to, you may want to make sure it’s not going to be a big issue to anyone else if you don’t. Just for the sake of preventing drama.

Post # 10
1565 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldn’t send them the Save-The-Date Cards. They’ll likely know about the wedding already, so you can’t do anything about that. And yes, another family member might bring up the fact that Save-The-Date Cards were sent.  But if they have done hurtful things to you in the past, I wouldn’t worry about what they think of not being asked to save the date.

Post # 11
350 posts
Helper bee

I would skip sending STD’s to ALL your family members to avoid this situation.  Otherwise the ones who dont’ get it will be all like “Why didn’t WE get one?” or whatever.  For the ones that you want to invite, just call them up or send them an email with your wedding info.  Then you can decide closer to the time if you want to invite the nasty ones or not.

Post # 13
4485 posts
Honey bee

If you absolutely don’t want to invite someone, don’t send them a save the date. If you send a save the date, you have no choice but to send an invite. It doesn’t make sense, even to please other people, to invite people you don’t want there. If you’re stressed or angry at the wedding, it will show and people won’t want to be around you.

Post # 14
2680 posts
Sugar bee

I wouldnt send them a save the date.  We had one person who we actually sent a save the date AND invitation to her children (one of whom lived at home with her still) and she didnt get anything.  It was a person decision made by my Darling Husband (his parents supported whatever he wanted).  You could always talk to your favorite cousin and ask them not to mention the STD.

Post # 15
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Typically I’d say no, don’t send a save the date. But this is family and if there is a chance that other family members need to discuss the wedding, then yes include them.

I say, be a bigger person and put the ball in their court.

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