(Closed) Should I send this?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
46606 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You really don’t expect him to respond positively to this letter do you? Remember, you are talking about his son.

If you must talk to him about this, do it in person. Writing down your feelings can be very helpful but I suggest you now burn or shred the letter and have a one to one if you want to pursue this.

Post # 4
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Do not send this letter. Also, I agree with him that it’s odd you visit your dad at Christmas but didn’t invite him to your wedding. You either want him in your life or no, your sister aside.

ETA: it was his prerogative not to attend your wedding, just as it was yours not to invite your dad. He doesn’t deserve a letter to be chewed out for it

Post # 5
4933 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

No. This letter is clearly written purely out of anger. The tone is confrontational and passive agressive. While I agree with what you’re saying and I can empathize with your hurt feelings, I would no approach it this way to deal with it. 

If Grandpa has a history of alzhiemiers, this may just be him saying something most of us would only think. He may have heard this from his son (your dad) and be regurgitating it. 

I, personally, would not accept any gifts from him. I would say to him that you appreciate it but now that you’re older his company is gift enough. Even if you don’t really want to see him after these comments… this gets you out of this loop of accepting gifts you don’t want, that he doesn’t want to give. 

As for the things you’ve written about your father: I really, really hope you get some counselling to deal with how his addiction and behaviors have effected you. I have dealt with an addict in my life. It’s time to help deal with some of that pain. 

You don’t owe him an explanation as to why your dad was not invited. I would personally, not bother trying to make him understand. 

Post # 6
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

No I wouldn’t send that unless you’re trying to severe the relationship. This conversation should be had in person if it’s to be had at all.  

He doesn’t need to give a “good” reason or a reason at all for not attending (though would have been nice if he had at least told you in advance) just like you don’t need to give him a reason for why you didn’t invite your father.


Post # 8
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

No. Do not send this. And stop hanging around your father if your plan is to cut him out of your life. 

If you want to have a relationship with your grandfather, invite him out for a nice dinner with your new husband. Do not bring up what he said to your sister. Just let it go. 

Post # 9
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You don’t know that he lied about why he didn’t come. It’s heresay.

Post # 11
12220 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Any time an alcoholic is around, nasty untrue rumors will be spread about anyone who doesn’t cater to them. Obviously your grandpa is in denial about his son. 

That said, this letter is not going to do what you want it to. I guess the truth is that you can’t stop these people from believing the lies your dad tells. You could tell your grandpa, when you are in a better place of accepting his position (otherwise you are likely to be disappointed and hurt), that you wanted him to know why you didn’t invite your dad. Say you wish things were different, but he has chosen drugs and drinking over family, and your relationship has suffered as a result. then you could tell grandpa that you missed him at the wedding, offer to share some pictures with him, and invite him to meet your husband. 

Your grandpa is in a tough position here, his wife is suffering from dementia, and I imagine he is putting more stock on family because he can see how much it matters. That doesn’t make you wrong. In fact, it sounds like you made a healthy choice for yourself. But it means that he might noit be open to hearing bad things (aka, the truth) about his son. I wouldn’t let your father ruin this relationship with your grandpa so easily.

give it some time. I’m so sorry you are going though this. It’s unfair, but it’s also life. 

Post # 12
114 posts
Blushing bee

Hi QueenOfSerendip, 

I can relate to where you are coming from. I too haven’t had a relationship with my father in quite a while for some of the same reasons as yourself, and like yourself, I won’t be inviting my father to my wedding. I’ve found that other family members, especially of an older generation, often have a difficult time with the concept of an earned relationship and that there are times when protecting myself from a destructive person is more important than trying to hold onto a superficial and fractured relationship. It sounds like you have a very strong understanding of where your relationships stand and what your responsibilities to yourself are though.

I think the tone of the letter is firm and diplomatic. What do you hope to come from sending it? What do you think your Grandfather’s reaction would be? Whats the best and whats the worst possible scenario and are you okay with both of those? – those are the question I would use to decide whether to send it or not. Also, would you feel okay with perhaps calling him but having this in front of you as a guide or script? 

Trust yourself, you probably know what to do 🙂

Post # 13
1101 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

This letter may have felt really good to write, but please don’t send it.


I had the same issues with my own father, who has now passed.  I empathize with your situation and with your decision not to invite him.  

When you are calmer, you can try to explain, in a heartfelt manner, why you didn’t invite your father. Your grandfather will probably not take your side (this is his child), but may have an inkling of understanding.  But if that is what you hope to accomplish, you must understand his perspective/feelings as well.

Post # 14
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would not send this.  Nothing good can come of it.  Your relationship with your grandpa is fine.  If he lied to you, at least he was polite about it.  Let it lie.

Post # 15
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

The question should not be “should I send this?”.  The question you should be asking yourself is “what is to be gained by sending this?”  Do you feel that a dialogue would be opened with your Grandfather by sending a letter?  If you do, then it’s absolutely worth sending it.  If you’re only sending it to make yourself feel better, then don’t do it.  I don’t think he’s going to read the letter and have an epiphany of “My god!  My son IS an addict!  Why didn’t I see this before?” 

Post # 16
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You wrote your feelings down so now you can destroy the letter.  It’s good to write your feelings down but don’t even send a letter written in anger. 

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