(Closed) should i set her free? (time sensitive)

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

1) Whatever you end up doing, will be the right decision for you, even if it ends up being something that “the majority” here disagree with.

2) To me, her behavior doesn’t sound like that of a friend.  It *really* hurts to be dropped like that, and it’s happened to me a couple times.  The conniving way she got you to take her to work was pretty low, and I would have called her out on it.

3) People will do whatever it is that they want to do, regardless of what they say.  Personally, I like having friends who are consistent between what they say and what they do, and are honest (to themselves and to me) if they’ve made a commitment that they can no longer handle.

4) On one hand, I think you should keep her in the wedding party unless she drops the ball on something (like ordering her dress).  I don’t think you are being a bridezilla or anything like that, but keep in mind that it’s not a necessity to have a bridal shower, bachelorette or be escorted to bridal salons to try on dresses and have them fitted.  It’s very nice to have and a good bonding experience, but not essential to having a successful wedding.  On the other hand, I personally would have a hard time including someone who didn’t value the friendship as much as I thought they would.

Post # 4
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@beetlebee:  it sounds like she’s not your friend and sees you as free shuttle service/babysitter.

Post # 6
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@beetlebee:  I wouldnt even bother to kick her out. She likely won’t buy the dress so I would just cut contact unless she contacts me directly about it.

Post # 7
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’d have a chat with her.  She is your friend.  Seriously let her go tho, she has so much on her plate and she can’t handle what she’s got.  She probably needs a really good friend.

Post # 8
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@beetlebee:  I see this as 2 seperate things. She is your friend first, Bridesmaid or Best Man second. As a Bridesmaid or Best Man, all she really “needs” to do is get her dress & stand with you on your wedding day. Yes, its awesome if they help you with your wedding things & go to your showers/bachelorette party. But, as a Bridesmaid or Best Man she hasn’t really failed at anything yet.

As your friend, it sounds like she’s avoiding you, except when her car broke down which is a little weird. Maybe she thought she could see you for a little bit, even if it was short. IDK if she’s using you, I had a friend use me for car rides but he asked for rides all the time, it wasn’t like one time. I think you need to tell her you need to talk to her, that you’re concerned & you haven’t spent any time together.

I have worked 2 jobs before (I lasted about 6 months), yea I never hung out with anyone after work. I was so exhausted, all I really did was eat & relax & then go to sleep. Only on rare occcasions where Darling Husband made me go hang out with his friends at a party or something. Sometimes I’d just stop by for an hour, then leave & go home. On my days off I just wanted to do nothing. I ignored my phone. No computer. Just relax!

Also, at one of my jobs, part of my job was work-related things outside of work. So while it looked like I was hanging out with friends, I was really hanging out with co-workers (& getting paid for it yay haha).

Post # 9
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

An open discussion is the only thing that’s going to end this one way or the other. Try not to yell, and stay calm. Just tell her what’s bothering you and see what she says. She may say she can’t be in the wedding anymore, just be ready for that.

Post # 10
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@beetlebee:  You mention that she’s planning her own wedding, and also working 2 jobs to cover the costs of her wedding. She also has a daughter, sounds like a very busy and stressed woman. I think you should offer her an out, but don’t force it on her. She doesn’t have to be there for your wedding planning, and she doesn’t even have to be around for you to pick out dresses, find one you like and let her know. Chances are that group of friends you’ve seen pics on fb of her with, are her BMs and those outings are likely wedding planning related.

I would assume someone planning their own wedding would be more understanding to the demands of wedding planning especially while working multiple jobs and caring for a child. Cut her some slack. You value her enough to have asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and it sounds like she has alot on her plate at the moment. Try to be more understanding.

Post # 11
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

An open discussion is the only thing that’s going to end this one way or the other. Try not to yell, and stay calm. Just tell her what’s bothering you and see what she says. She may say she can’t be in the wedding anymore, just be ready for that.

Post # 12
Member
3053 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I honestly would be most bothered by the fact that she felt like she needed to trick you into giving her a ride to work…that is NOT the behavior of a friend. I would be pissed. If you need a ride, fine, call me and I’ll take you. If you want to get coffee, fine, call me and we’ll get coffee. Don’t trick me into doing one by pretending we’re doing the other.

She definitely sounds like she’s busy which is the ONLY reason I would consider cutting her some slack (friendship wise NOT Bridesmaid or Best Man wise, she hasn’t really done anything wrong Bridesmaid or Best Man wise, just been difficult)…I have a friend who never answers my texts if she doesn’t want to talk about whatever I text her about, do whatever I text her about, or discuss whatever I text her about. It drove me CRAZY for the first few yeara of our friendship, and while I really should have brought it up or found a way to, I never have and I’ve learned that that’s just her avoiding what she thinks could be conflict of some sort. I’d just talk to her and ask her what’s up, if she’s too busy and tell her that’s fine & you understand and if you don’t want her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man try to encourage her gently to step down.

Post # 13
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

You don’t “FIRE” bridesmaids.  They’re not your employees.

I would just say this to her:  “I call you, text you, invite you out and you ignore me, but I see that you go out with other people so I know that time and money are not an issue.  What is at issue here?”

Or, I would just stop contacting her and see how long it takes for her to contact yuo and realize that you should be a priority in her life. 

Post # 14
Member
12248 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I would just stop contacting her. I don’t think she’ll but the dress, and then you won’t have to worry about her being in the wedding party AND you don’t have to say anything!

Post # 15
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I would cut her some slack.She sounds stressed out and busy to me.Maybe just lower your expectations for her now.Hopefully things will get better.Definitly tell her how you feel.Good luck.

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