Should I, Shouldnt I..?

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
  • poll: What should I do..?

    Get Dad onside

    Ask for forgiveness not permission

    Just wait it out

  • Post # 15
    Member
    7800 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Personally I don’t think parents should be able to decide what their adult children do or don’t do in their lives. That said, you aren’t really living like an adult. You are getting free room and board, he’s paying your tuition, and you’re working PT for spare cash. I agree with pps – your dads reasons suck. But its HIS money paying your way in life and HIS decision if he wants to cut it off. 

    If you want to get engaged at 21 it sounds like you’ll have to get a FT job, move out and start supporting yourself. If you want free university and rent, then you wait a few years. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    5052 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2017

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    nz488 :  ask forgiveness not permission is a terrible idea. what if he follows through and stops paying for your university? That’s a bad move. Why do you need to be engaged now? Why not wait for those few years, you were going to wait to be married anyway.

    You’re living with him and he’s paying for your degree. If you want to go ahead with an engagement, you should probably start supporting yourself first

    Post # 17
    Member
    5052 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2017

    View original reply
    mcbee :  he’s being controlled by a parent because the parent is supporting him AND paying his tuition. I don’t think that counts as being controlled by a parent 

    Post # 19
    Member
    36 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    I’ve been there. If you get engaged now, you may regret not waiting.  A 3-4 year engagement is rough.  I think once the second year hits, you may be very ansty and that’s completley understandable.  The excitement of an engagement does eventually fade and In My Humble Opinion it’s helpful if you are wedding planning.  But you just can’t wedding plan for 3 year.  Even if you don’t want flash, I think it’s a good idea to have the funds to be able to pay for a wedding yourself because you can’t rely on anyone else. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    36 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    View original reply
    Sansa85 :  100% agree with you about him turning around and not paying for college.  I had parents who paid for whatever was left to be paid after scholarship and man when we would argue they would threaten to stop paying or throw the fact they were paying in my face. It’s not healthy but is unfortunately the reality for so many people. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    29 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    I’d say hold off. There is no reason to rush. You are not the same person today that you will be when you are 24 or 25 or 26 years old and have entered the workforce and are fully supporting yourself. So much learning and growth is yet to happen for you and your parter.

    My fiancee and I had one “rule”: No getting engaged until after age 25. The human brain isn’t even developed until closer to age 25. We didn’t want to get into something that would impact us emotionally, physically, socially, professionally, financially, spiritually, etc. before our brains were even developed. We agreed it wasn’t fair to ask that of the other person or ourselves. I ended up proposing closer to our 26th birthdays, and I am sooo glad we waited until this age.  There is a reason 27 is the national average (in the US) age for women to marry.

    Get enagged at the most suitable time, not just a suitable time. You will set yourself up for better success that way.

    Post # 22
    Member
    1616 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

    This is definitely not what you want to hear, but I think you should wait. 

    I know 21 feels very grown up and mature, but after graduation your world is going to change unpredictably. You may have a plan in place, but the plan on paper and the plan in practice – at least in my experience, are two very different things. There are a lot of unknowns right now, and while there is never a perfect time to get engaged/married, it might be a bit much to deal with on top of all that.

    Your reasons for getting engaged right now are pretty…weak, if I’m being frank. And the fact that you have “ask for forgiveness not permission” as a poll option says to me that you’re probably not ready to get engaged. You’re an adult, but you’re still reliant on your dad for tuition and board – it sucks but you have to resect his wishes because tuition and board are definitely more important than getting engaged right now, especially if you have no plans to get married for 3-4 years. Why bother getting engaged right now?

    If it’s going to work out with your girlfriend, she will still be with you in 2-3 years without an engagement, and if she’ll only stay if you get engaged right now – she’s not going to stay through a 3-4 year engagement. Things will work out in the end.

    Post # 23
    Member
    2133 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I say wait it out. Your reasons for wanting to get engaged really aren’t that great. I think you need to wait especially since you are depending on your dad for tuition. Once you are completely financially independent you can do what you want. 

    I am a strong believer in living together before an engagement. I don’t think a few weeks of coexisting count. You learn so much from living with someone. I would work towards living together and becoming financially independent and then work on an engagement. 

    I will also add that your dads reasons against an engagement are garbage but I really think you losing financial support is enough reason to wait. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    7992 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    You really shouldn’t be engaged until you are fully an adult, which means being independent. You aren’t. There’s no shame in that, given that you are 21 and studying, but don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. If he doesn’t want you engaged, and you would have to wait 3-4 years to marry anyway, then don’t be a fool and cut off your support. 

    And while this isn’t really relevant and opinions vary widely, I don’t see ANY point in a 3-4 year engagement. If you have no plans of marrying anytime in the foreseeable future, you really shouldn’t be engaged anyway, IMO. Wait until you can actually plan a wedding.

    Post # 25
    Member
    1306 posts
    Bumble bee

    If you are ready for marriage at 21, you will be ready for marriage at 26. A LOT changes in your life in the years right  after college. Grow into yourselves and your lives, and then get married, knowing he lives you have settled into work together to bring your partner into their best self and best vision—— something you can’t know yet.

     

    Post # 26
    Member
    1364 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2020

    I would wait on the engagement until you are financially independent and moved out. Maybe even try living with your gf for a bit first.

    I got engaged at 21, near our 4 year anniversary, and absolutely don’t regret it. We did inform both sets of parents beforehand (mine were over the moon, his confirmed we had had important discussions before being tolerant of it), but did not ask for permission. We were financially independent, living together, but still in college. Ultimately, we got legally married a few weeks after getting engaged for FAFSA and tax reasons, and have been really happy. Had it not been for FAFSA, we would’ve held off engagement for another year and had our legal/big wedding 1.5 years after engagement. We would have done it that way because we were/are financially able to do so. 

    Without that financial independence or ability, I say wait a few more years until you reach that point. Also, be extremely communicative with your partner on what you’re thinking for timelines and get her input!! (if you aren’t already)

     

    ETA: Your dad’s reasons against engagement are bonkers and unfair, but since he pays for your tuition, it isn’t worth the fight at this point in time.

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