(Closed) Should I skip my wife's graduation for my sister's wedding?

posted 8 months ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I didn’t place that much importance on my own graduation ceremonies so I’d go to the wedding. I’d also plan some kind of celebration for your wife. But it really depends how important it is to your wife. If she really wants you there then you should go. 

Post # 17
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

enlope0298 : 

“My sister didn’t care to ask us about my wife’s graduation date”

I would never think to ask about my husbands siblings graduation dates when planning my own wedding, that’s not a thing but you seem upset by it.

I personally would not miss my sisters wedding for ANYTHING. But thats just me, what does your wife say about it?

 

Post # 18
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

If it was critical to my wife to attend and that I be there, then I’d go to the graduation. But otherwise I’d go to the wedding and plan a party with a video of the hooding for my wife a few weeks later. 

I have several degrees and only one was super important to me. But I didn’t so much care about other people attending it. 

Post # 19
Member
65 posts
Worker bee

@futuremrs2020

I always see on this board to ask your VIPs about any potential date conflicts before booking your wedding. That doesn’t mean you can’t schedule your wedding for a conflicting date, but at least you know that a VIP guests might not be there. The SIL might not have been a VIP, but perhaps the brother would have reminded his sister of a conflict and they could have made a decision about where he would be at the time.

Post # 20
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

npcps :  I’m well aware, thanks tho

Post # 21
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m interested to know if there are any PhD Bees who cared about their hooding ceremony. It seems like such a big deal from the outside and then the work is done, the time comes, and… meh.

Post # 22
Member
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would do the wedding and would have skipped my own commencement if my husband’s sibling was getting married. I actually wouldn’t have minded a solid excuse to skip it…

Post # 23
Member
4759 posts
Honey bee

Good points, ask your wife first, if she wants to skip the PhD ceremony and go to the wedding then it’s a moot point. But if it’s super important then I’d go. Ugh what a situation to be in. But ask your wife first. Does she know about the wedding yet? What did she say? 

Post # 24
Member
2584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

glitterati :  I have a masters and my hooding was so meaningful. My husband has a PhD and it meant enough to him that he invited his family from Northern California to visit Southern California for the ceremony (8 hour drive) and my parents came (we had been dating two years at that point). It’s a huge accomplishment and the ceremony caps all of your hard work. 

Post # 25
Member
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

 glitterati :  I totally did not care about the ceremony. I was so emotionally done with my program and just wanted to get the hell out. Having to rent the regalia and then sit for three hours in 90 degree heat in what is essentially a sleeping bag was not my idea of a great time. However, I also had a crappy relationship with my advisor and knew that I would be staying on as faculty in the greater university system, so I didn’t feel like I was actually leaving anything. I could understand how people who had a better experience and/or were leaving the area could feel differently though.

Post # 26
Member
14899 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Graduations are pretty boring imo, and the person you’re there for only gets a split second in the spot light.  I don’t have my PhD, which is a lot bigger deal, but I got a masters and didnt even bother going to the gradution.

Post # 27
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

teacher-bee-in-the-sea :   EmmaMae :  Yeah, two very different experiences. I went to my MA hooding cause I am close with my cohort. No one else is finishing this year and I’m not close to my advisor, so the PhD hooding isn’t important to me. I have a lot of academics in my family so the defense is more important. 

Post # 28
Member
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

glitterati :  I’m currently working towards my PhD, and will probably attend the hooding ceremony when I’m finished because I am super close to my cohort (if we even end up finishing at the same time). That being said.. I won’t be particularly excited to go, its more of an obligation because it will be my final degree. And if a close family member’s wedding was on the same day I would skip it in a heartbeat. 

My mother is very close to finishing her PhD and this thread inspired me to ask her if she was planning on attending the ceremony herself, and if she wanted me and Darling Husband to attend. Her response was “probably not no, I don’t care to sit through all that nonsense” lol 

Post # 29
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

glitterati :  I didn’t attend the hooding ceremony for my PhD, nor did anyone in my lab when they finished. I actually attended a friend’s wedding with my SO that weekend, but I wouldn’t have attended the ceremony anyways.

For me and many in my program at least, the “climax” was the defense, during which we gave a public presentation of the dissertation work, then a closed door examination with the committee, then the committee discussed whether the defense passed, passed with revisions, or failed. That was really the “big moment” for me: when my advisor sent me out of the room, and less than 30 seconds later called me back in, and everyone shook my hand saying “Congratulations, Doctor.” 

My parents and SO attended my public presentation, and they enjoyed seeing the results from the past five years of work. And when I passed the defense, my committee members also congratulated my parents and praised me as they left, which my parents enjoyed. It was overall much more personal and satisfying than sitting though a whole graduation ceremony. 

Which isn’t to say that OP’s wife doesn’t care about the graduation. But if she hasn’t defended yet, he should inquire about her defense date and whether there is a public presentation etc. It’s possible she too would prefer celebrating the defense over the graduation ceremony.

Post # 30
Member
912 posts
Busy bee

I was blasé about my bachelors grad ceremony, but flew back into town with my then husband (we moved out of state right before I finished my dissertation) for the hooding ceremony and graduation ceremony for my Ph.D.  It was definitely a big deal to me to attend. I would not have been happy if my ex had skipped for someone else’s event. 

OP, talk to your wife and find out what her thoughts are. If she seems like she wants you there, be there for her graduation. 

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