(Closed) Should I skip my wife's graduation for my sister's wedding?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 106
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

You treated your wife badly. 

Your sister didn’t ask you about conflicting dates.

Your wife has picked you over her own family and is now estranged from them.

Now, you’re seriously considering leaving your wife to celebrate her graduation without family and without you.  Aren’t you even a little concerned that you’re not the man your wife can count on to celebrate milestones?

Do better or set her free.  

Post # 107
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“I’m pretty surprised by all these responses. Completing a degree, especially a PhD, is such a huge accomplishment. Getting married is . . . not.”

I don’t think anything will be solved by implying a weddng has little value because getting married is not an accomplishment. Not even sure why this would be a stance on a wedding site? For me, graduation ceremonies have little to no value (the degree certainly does, but not the ceremony) and such a ceremony is nowhere close to the importance and symbolic value of a wedding.  I would never miss a wedding for my own graduation. However, if it’s important to the OP’s wife, then there is little choice but to attend and support her and give your regrets to your sister.

Post # 108
Member
13814 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I’ve already said the OP has to consider his marriage.

But the reason the wedding would take priority for me has nothing to do with accomplishments or support for his wife. The way I would look at it if I was the wife is that the hooding is beautiful, but ceremonial. Not to minimize the accomplishment itself but nothing happens that day that hasn’t already been achieved. With or without the pomp and circumstance, she already has her degree as well as many occasions upon which to celebrate with colleagues she has seen every day for years. 

On the other hand a wedding ceremony is not typically only ceremonial. If you don’t show up, you aren’t married anyway. More significant, you would miss seeing relatives, people who may have traveled distances to be all in one place, possibly for the last time ever, in the case of the older relatives.

In many families it would be unthinkable to miss a sibling’s wedding, with consequences that could literally last for generations. 

I realize you have to prioritize a spouse, perhaps in this case or else but I admit I just don’t see these things on equal ground. It’s not an easy situation but a sibling in law’s wedding over a graduation would not be a question even if it was my own graduation. 

By the way, is there a rehearsal dinner or next day brunch? OP, can you at the very least go to those? 

Post # 109
Member
2943 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Geez. Your updates make your relationship sound overly complicated and kinda toxic. This really shouldn’t be *that* big of a deal. If all else was rosy in your marriage I’d be inclined to check with the wife first to see just how important the actual grad ceremony is to her, and probably go to the wedding because most people don’t actually care that much about the grad ceremony. The important thing just doing something with her to celebrate – a fancy ass dinner, a trip, something you don’t normally do. But in this case, it sounds like not going to her graduation is just gonna cause further damage in an already broken or breaking marriage… 

Post # 110
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2020 - Coto de Caza, CA

The graduation seems very important to your wife. If it wasn’t, I’m sure you wouldn’t have needed to write about this dilemma in the first place. People who don’t care about graduation ceremonies are typically excited for any excuse to get out them (I am one of those people lol). So I vote for you to go to your wife’s ceremony.

I’m extremely close with my brother and it would destroy me if he didn’t come to my wedding, but, because he’s such an important part of my life, I would check with him to make sure the date didn’t conflict with anything big. Especially if I knew his wife was working toward a PhD and potentially graduating soon. Also, if my brother’s wife was estranged from her parents, I’d want to make sure our family was there for her for any of her big days too. However, that’s just the kind of relationship we have.

Post # 111
Member
2556 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I’d be pissed if my husband even considered not attending my graduation. It would be something that would cause long-standing resentment. 

Post # 112
Member
855 posts
Busy bee

Your wife has expressed how important this is to her. To skip it now would be damaging to your relationship. It doesn’t matter what any other couple or person would think, do, or feel about a graduation.

Go to the graduation, or risk losing her. Now is not the time to fall back into the habit of “not being the best husband to her.” She is expressing how important this is to her. If she’s defensively picking someone else to cheer her own as a back up if you go to the wedding, it sounds like you have a habit of letting her down and not putting her first. I wouldn’t personally risk my own marriage to witness someone else celebrate theirs.

Post # 113
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

The day one of my friends was approved/got her PhD wasn’t just her walking across the stage, it took up a large part of the day. She had to present her defense in front of her peers, it was an open to the public, people could ask questions, questioning her defense. Only after that was she given the okay to graduate, it took 5 years. I don’t know what your wife is graduating with, but a PhD is a big deal. It’s a special day for her I would imagine. Don’t you want to be the person she sees when she gets off that stage? To share that memory with her? Cause you’re proud?

I agree with a PP who said that you should want to go to support her, not because her ex may go instead of you.

Post # 114
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
enlope0298 :  why do you refuse to tell us what you did to your wife in the past that makes you so insecure as to have her friend stand in for you at her graduation? 

Post # 115
Member
10223 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
bettydraper23 :  

Oh, there are degrees, there are advanced degrees, there are professional degrees, there are technical degrees, but none of them put you through the PhD experience.

Consecrating your entire being to your dissertation topic for four or five years is one heck of a demanding process. I cannot fathom Dh not being there for me.

It’s unfortunate that the sister could not have been a little accommodating on the wedding date.

Post # 116
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

View original reply
magpiebee :  so your sister comes before your own wife. Even if your wife says her graduation is important to her?

Post # 117
Member
1969 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

It’s astounding how those vows so many bees made to put your spouse first and to forsake all others goes out the window on here for parents and siblings. I don’t care if I was an identical twin I would absolutely support my husband before ANYONE else, and I mean ANYONE. I chose him and he chose me and we take our vows very seriously.  It doesn’t matter what holds weight to other people it matters when it comes to your spouse. I am going through  a stressful 4 month academy for the second time as I promote in my career in law enforcement and we will have  a graduation at the end. I could never forgive my husband if he chose to go to a siblings wedding after seeing how physically drained I am and mentally as well. A lot of hard work goes into these accomplishments and if it’s important to your spouse you shoud be there without question.  It would be different if it wasn’t important to your spuse. I think some people really have conditons when it comes to forsaking all others or maybe they just didn’t say that in their so that would make sense. 

Post # 118
Member
644 posts
Busy bee

The wife said the hooding is important for her, so go to the ceremony. Spouse comes before siblings. I would also resent my husband for a long time if I said I want him there but he was not there with me to celebrate the milestone achievement I sacrificed blood sweat and tears for 5+years.

Luckily, my husband doesn’t even need to be told about that.

Post # 119
Member
1969 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
lleello :  with you on that. I’m glad that this wouldn’t even be a question for my husband. 

Post # 120
Member
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
sassy411 :  “consecrating your entire being to your dissertation topic for four or five years” sounds like an awful grad school experience. No snark, but can I ask if it worked out for you? (TT job in the field, adjacent alt-ac career?)

The topic ‘Should I skip my wife's graduation for my sister's wedding?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors