(Closed) Should I stand my ground or forgive?

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

He is your FI’s family, so you will have to accept that he will always be in your lives. You don’t have to put up with his nonsense, but he is your FI’s brother and I am sure your Fiance loves him. You don’t say what your FI’s and his or your’s and his relationship is like now, but it seems like your Fiance wants to give him another chance, so I suggest you stand by your Fiance and support him in his decision. He will come to realize soon enough if it was worth it to take another chance on his brother. As long as the brother is not a threat to you or your Fiance, I suggest you just see how it plays out.

Post # 4
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Wow that is a really tough decisions. I wish I had some great advice for you but I don’t. If it is Fiance only family and they are close I think it would probably be important to him to have his brother there, that is if they are close. If they are not close then I dont see why. Maybe he could be an usher and not have as big of a role. I don’t really know what to tell you, I would be scared to be around him also.

Post # 6
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

If he is mentally ill, it’s harder to hold him accountable for his actions. But still, that doesn’t mean it’s easy to forget what happened.  I’ve had some personal experience with this one. 🙁

Did your FI’s brother ever apologize for what he said?

Post # 7
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

@yostoast: Maybe you could have a separate celebration with him later. That way you both could avoid any potential problems.

Post # 9
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Do you have someone who can “babysit” him during the week he’s around?  At the very least, you should never have to be alone with him!  And shouldn’t have to worry about his behavior…

Post # 10
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Do you think he is actually a physical threat to you or FI?

This is a very hard one, and I have personal experience 🙁  Does he refuse to see someone for his bi-polar?

Post # 11
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Um, he threatened to kill you. Wait. Not just kill you but CHOP YOU UP.

Hell no. Despite any family trauma this brother endured, threatening to kill you is a deal breaker.The beating of your fiance with the bat story just confirms for me that this guy is not just bark.

I am guessing, based on your fiance’s shared trauma with their parents, that he will want to defend his brother, and/or try to save him … and I understand that and do not fault him for hit. But violence — and threatened violence — is over the line to me.

EDIT to my post … my brother and sister are both bi-polar, and I agree with cbee that medication and therapy are in order.

If he doesn’t agree to both, don’t put yourself in harms way – emotionally or physically.

Post # 12
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

People with bi-polar have episodes where they make threats and may act them out, and that is why they are often medicated.  Would he agree to getting help?

I agree that if he is a physical danger, it is out of the question until he gets successful treatment.

Post # 13
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I say no to being a groomsmen. No way, no how. I think its added stress to everyone involved.

However, if he wants to attend the wedding as a guest, and you have security or someone who can watch him and escort him out if he becomes a problem, I would invite him.

Post # 15
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m really not sure what you should do – this is a tough situation.  There is a very wide range of severity with bipolar disorder and it sounds like your fiance’s brother is very ill.  What he said must have been really scary for you and I don’t blame you for feeling the way that you do.  He is actually probably not lying at all when he says he doesn’t remember these horrible things.  When people have true manic episodes (with psychosis), they frequently do not remember any of it afterwards and are usually quite embarressed by what people tell them they said or did. Was he ever hospitalized?  If he is making threats to people, then he is not safe and should be admitted to a hospital.  That might be irrelevant now though.

Is your question whether he should be a groomsman or whether he should be invited at all?  Are there any relatives around who could kind of keep an eye on him?  I feel like if he isn’t manic at that particular time, it would probably end up being fine.  if he’s manic, then its another story.  No way to predict that really and since he refuses to take meds, its even more unpredictable.

I do think its a bad idea to turn him in for things legally — this will only cause more drama.  This is a really difficult situation. On the one hand, you don’t want him to cause a spectacle or make people uncomfortable. On the other hand, he is your fiance’s family like it or not.  Its not that he’s just a rude or mean or disrespectful person.  He has a debilitating mental illness so its difficult to truly place blame on him.  I”m sorry you are going through this situation. 🙁

Post # 16
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

@yostoast: I don’t think it is a horrible idea at all, but I would consult with your Fiance before doing so. If you both turned him in, perhaps he could get the help that he so desperately needs.

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