Should I stay engaged to my fiance if he isn\'t ready to marry?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
10544 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Nope. Nope. Nope. I’d be 100% done with someone who puts the relationship issues all on me. Him saying he needs you to work on issues and he needs to see your progress while he sits back and does nothing is total manipulation bullshit. Because what he means is he needs you to agree with him more and he doesn’t want to learn to communicate or compromise to have a healthier relationship.

Anyone against couples counseling is a dealbreaker for me as well.

These are major dealbreakers for me. I can’t tell you what to do and of course this is easier said then done but I would end the relationship.

Post # 3
Member
3867 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I would be discouraged by the fact that he wasn’t willing to go to counseling and that he felt only YOU had something to work on in the relationship, and that he seemingly had no improvements to make.

I think you guys made the right choice in delaying the wedding until you iron out your issues. I’d encourage him to consider counseling to work through your issues together.

Post # 4
Member
1508 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Leave.

He has been stringing you along. He admitted he used delaying the wedding as a stall tactic.

He cares more about a party than the safety of his loved ones, or actually getting married.

The two of you have fundamentally different positions on how to handle the pandemic, and he gets upset at you when you don’t go out with him. At the very least, he should respect your wishes to stay home.

I would have left the first time he almost broke things off. If you’re going to commit to marriage, commit. Don’t get engaged then almost break things on, then stall on the wedding.

I hear nothing but dealbreaker after dealbreaker.

It will be hard at first, but once you leave, it will be so refreshing and you’ll wonder why you had ever stayed. 

Post # 5
Member
586 posts
Busy bee

Also, marriage is about loving each other through your best and worst….if he has pause because you’ve exhibited stress during a time when literally the entire world (some of whom haven’t even had a wedding to plan on top of everything else) has exhibited stress, I would question his staying power.  That would give ME pause.  His wanting to put things on hold may be a blessing in disguise.

Post # 6
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I don’t think you should get married if you can’t disagree about the big stuff productively. There’s a lot of things in a marriage where you aren’t going to agree. Of course its nice to be on the same page about things, but being on the same page and not fighting isn’t possible on every single thing that comes your way.

For a bit of balance I do also think weddings bring out the “high stakes” aspect which is like “if we can’t agree on this, what does this mean FOR FOREVER?” I think out of our top 3 worst fights, my husband and I have had, 2 were before the wedding, when everything felt high stakes. And that wasn’t during a pandemic.

I absolutely think that threatening a break up is a nuclear weapon. When you have a fight and someone says “Well if we can’t agree on this, I don’t know if we can go on”  its like…you are invoking the spirit of a breakup- you say this one too many times and it make itself true- staying together is an act of committing to not run when it gets tough, if you both are like “oh this is getting tough, so we maybe shouldn’t be together”….then maybe its true, because then you both have your feet partially out the door.

You should both be willing to try and understand what matters to each other and try and find the wins. One thing we do when we’re really stuck on an issue is we take turns being the other person and legit trying to understand them- he plays me and tries to understand what the issue looks like from my point of view, I play him and try and get what he’s saying and then we really can figure out what we’re experiencing. It’s really important in our marriage that fights arent things one or the other of us “wins”- no one is right or wrong, its just we’re different and we need to find a shared solution that will make us both equally ok with choices. What if you both tried that? If he’s open to the excercise, it can be really powerful.

Also just because he doesn’t want to go to couples counseling, doesnt mean you cant see a therapist on your own to figure out what you feel and want to do. it might even be more helpful.

 

Post # 7
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee

I would be concerned that he doesn’t seem to respect your feelings or boundaries around a very serious issue. He should be concerned about your safety and comfort – not threatening you and pressuring you into unsafe situations. Even if you disagree about the severity of the pandemic, he should be more concerned about YOU than about the party. 

He sounds kind of petulant and manipulative to be honest. It’s not like you invented the pandemic or the restrictions put in place to keep people safe from it. Threatening to break off the engagement or telling you he’s not sure he wants to marry you whenver he doesn’t get his way is not a good sign… What happens when you disagree about something to do with the safety of your children? Your safety, mental health and actual marriage should be more important to him than the party full stop. 

Post # 8
Member
618 posts
Busy bee

Consider this a blessing. You got to see this side of him before you were legally bound. You can opt out all together now without going through a lawyer or wasting a lot of money on a big party. 

I also got engaged in 2019. We have a wedding planned for March of 2021. In the Spring I was counting my lucky stars that we didn’t pick 2020, but as we get further and further along I am realizing that it is very unlikely we will be able to go forward with our plans as they are. Unless there is a vaccine, we will likely have a cap on the numbers at the very least. I’m not in the states, but my area is high population so our numbers are higher than the rest of my country. Because of that, it is also possible we may revert back to phase 2 or phase 1 and that would make having even a small gathering challenging. FH and I have started having conversations about what might happen. Our conversations sound VERY different from yours. They have been emotional, yes but not because of fighting. We both keep talking about how the number 1 thing we want is to be married to each other. If we can do it the way we want, that is great. If we need to elope and postpone then we will cross that bridge. If we can cut it from 190 to 50 and have a much smaller version of what we want then we will do that. We have even talked about just eloping and cancelling the wedding all together, eating our deposits and calling it. At the end of the day, we will accomplish the most important task. 

Only you know if this relationship is right for you. However, from what you have written it honestly sounds like his #1 priority for the wedding is having a big party, not marrying his best friend. That makes me sad for you. It also doesn’t sound like he respects your opinion or is even willing to discuss a compromise for anything (wedding and covid alike). This is what you are signing up for. Do his good qualities outweigh this enough?

Post # 9
Member
13606 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
@luisamay13:  If he doesn’t know if you should get married then I don’t care how he’s trying to spin it, by definition you are no longer engaged. 

If he thinks it’s so pointless to involve a third party, I’d tell him he’s lost the option of a “second” party. Actually, I’d break up with him on the basis of lack of responsible judgment and character as well as all lack of accountability for his own behavior. 

Post # 10
Member
516 posts
Busy bee

This sounds like the standard dysfunctional behavior that comes out in first time adult relationships. Have either of you been in long term relationships as adults before?

You can work together as a team to improve your communication skills with a therapist, but it might be better to cut your losses and use what you’ve learned here to build a new, healthier relationship with a new partner.

Either choice is valid. Totally up to you.

Post # 11
Member
6161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

I don’t think that either of you are ready for marriage; BOTH of you called off the wedding so many times I got whiplash reading about it. Get counseling for yourself, he doesn’t have to go with you for you to get clarity on the situation. best of luck.

Post # 12
Member
1932 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

If your relationship can’t even get to the wedding without falling apart than you two aren’t compatible. This isn’t a relationship that works. Relationships that are successful don’t include braking up multiple times. Wedding planning even with covid isn’t even close to a big relationship challenge when you consider what life will throw at you two. You can’t even handle this so imagine losing a job, or a child, or a parent. Imagine trying to get through real struggles that come up in a marriage. 

Also, he doesn’t get to declare the realtionship and you have major issues and then take zero responsibility for it. He doesn’t get to know there is an issue and then refuse therapy. If you even have to do therapy at this point your relationship isn’t worth saving, BUT the fact he isn’t even willing to do that says loud and clear he doesn’t want to do any work to fix anything. Go find someone who is a good fit for you. 

Post # 13
Member
2693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
@luisamay13:  Reading your whole post, I don’t think your title and TL;DR are quite accurate. You wanted to cancel the wedding first, and it’s totally understandable why, but I don’t see him using delaying tactics. He became too focused and insistent on having a big wedding. His parents seem to be contributing pressure to that desire as well. The issue that started this, is that the two of you couldn’t agree on what kind of wedding to have and when. You would rather get married now and have the big celebration later, whereas he would rather wait for the big celebration. Those two events are in conflict if you can’t compromise to get married now because he fears there won’t be excitement or attendance at the big celebration later. 

Is there a reason that you want to get married now and not wait until Covid possibly allows a bigger celebration? I understand if you’re just ready and tired of waiting, as I also was engaged early in my relationship (10 months). But depending on your age, you haven’t been together that long. The best compromise may be to have a date in place for a big wedding (2021), and if Covid still won’t allow that at that time, then you accept that you’ll go ahead and do your small legal wedding and try for a big celebration or vow renewal later. I wouldn’t be willing to let Covid delay my life for too long, because it likely isn’t going anywhere any time soon. 

And yes, like PPs, I don’t agree with the way he’s handled his response to your disagreements, and he shouldn’t have agreed to something with you and then try to slowly change the agreement to make it what he wanted, and you shouldn’t have to “earn” a wedding to him. But I also see some mistakes in your reaction to planning the wedding as well. You were the first one to say you should postpone a year to work on your issues. Neither of you have handled not agreeing well, and that’s something you can both work on together before getting married.

I’ve been with my husband for 4 years, married for nearly 3, and sometimes there is no true compromise in a situation. Sometimes you truly do have to decide to either just forego something to be fair or decide that one of you will get the final say on something. It’s not easy giving up something you want, but sometimes that’s part of marriage.

Post # 14
Member
7117 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Nope and it’s not just that he “isn’t ready to marry”. He thinks he’s smarter than everyone (he’s not), he’s disrespectful of those who disagree with him and he doesn’t seem to work well with others – most importantly- YOU. People have whatever different feelings about the pandemic and the validity of the safety protocols that have been established, but the way he has navigated all of this (and then his assertion that YOU don’t seem to be handling this well) isn’t great.

Based on what he’s said and done, he doesn’t seem to want to marry you and I don’t see why you would still want to marry him, given what you’ve shared here.

Post # 15
Member
2844 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

It is time to end this relationship for good. He is blaming you for the problems in the relationship and he refuses couples counseling. It is really easy and lazy of him to just say it is your fault and to refuse to do any work or to change anything with himself. If he was willing to take some responsibility and to work on himself, then I would see some hope. 

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