- 2 months ago
- Wedding: October 2020
My fiance and I were engaged in 2019 after a little more than a year of dating. We had tackled all of the big sticking-point questions about children, money, where to live, etc., we are both financially stable, we rarely fought, and we just felt ready. We were mid-way through wedding planning when the pandemic hit, and things became a nightmare. First, we fought because he didn’t take it as seriously as I did and would become upset when I didn’t want to see people or go out. I would likewise become upset when he tried to convince me it wasn’t dangerous, especially because I live with a high-risk relative. During that time, he proposed breaking off the engagement, but we ended up not doing it. As time went by, we were able to move past that argument.
The next set of arguments came about the wedding. I wanted to cancel our big 300-guest wedding for this Fall because I didn’t think it would be able to happen. He was adamantly against cancelling, and he only gave in when my wedding planner said she was advising all Fall events to cancel and my parents said they would not lend financial support. We agreed to elope and have a celebration later, but slowly he convinced me to invite extended family and friends to the point where it was becoming a full-sized event again. When we couldn’t find a venue that would legally accept any guest list above 50 in our area, I told him that it wasn’t possible and he was really upset. He thought I was making decisions to cancel too early again and taking away his wedding day. He thought a celebration later after eloping was a dumb idea and nobody would attend (as did his mother). We started arguing about the wedding everyday.
Finally, I told him that if we couldn’t agree about the wedding, we should postpone for a year and work out our issues. He really didn’t like that. I also don’t know why I said it because it was the last thing I wanted, I just wanted to break the gridlock because no wedding plan I came up with was good enough for him. The next day we got in a fight where he started yelling, and I told him I wanted to cancel the wedding because he was so angry with me. Truthfully, I don’t remember what exactly he said that panicked me. We agreed not to do that and moved on.
A couple of weeks ago, he tells me out of the blue that he wants to get married in 2021 instead because he wants a big wedding. As I pressed him on it, he revealed that he wasn’t sure if he should marry me because I don’t handle stress well enough and he was trying to buy himself time. He said that he wanted to see me work on my issues (that I fight with him over wedding and pandemic stress) and make progress before he committed to marrying me. That really upset me because I felt like I was on trial, and I did call off the engagement.
A couple of days later, he convinced me to resume the engagement by saying that he wants to marry me still, he just needs time to think about it and feel like we have better habits. He wants to see our fighting improve or go away before we marry. I don’t know if or when he will feel ready, but he just told me he wouldn’t string me along. I do feel ready to marry him. I also do recognize that I made mistakes that de-stabilized the relationship, and I am fine to wait a bit to work through some issues, but I haven’t changed my desire to marry him. I’m worried now that I will be stuck in an engagement with a man who has no current intention of marrying me and with no end in sight. I feel like I’m on trial or probation. He can’t give me any clear dates or goals. He also doesn’t want to go to couples counseling because he thinks it’s pointless to involve a 3rd party in the relationship.
What I need to know is, do I stay engaged to a guy who isn’t sure if he wants to marry me? Or do we take a break while he thinks about it?
tl;dr: My fiance doesn’t know if he wants to move forward with a wedding anymore and needs time to think about it. I do want to get married and feel like I’m on trial. I don’t know if we should stay engaged.