Should I stay engaged to my fiance if he isn\'t ready to marry?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

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@luisamay13:  

If he cannot be encouraged to go to counselling, I would at least go on your own anyway as other pps have advised. 

People have already said some good stuff about the emotional aspect, but I’m going to comment on the logistics. People with weddings this year or even next year (we’re winter 2021) will advise that it is absoloutely difficult to go from having a wedding of a couple hundred people to less than 50, especially if you were anticipating a big event with all of your family and friends present. But the stark reality at the moment is that even if you postponed to next year, it’s unlikely that he’s going to get his wish of 300 guests. It is not realistic. 2021 is only 4 months away and things are not getting much better yet. We hoped to have 200 guests but we have lowered our expectations to meet the reality that we may be allowed less than 100 next year. He seems quite concerned with the day of the wedding and not so much about the day after, ie. the rest of your lives together. 

It seems like he really is disappointed about the big 300 people wedding, but someone needs to tell him that he needs to lower his expectations a bit and look at the world around us right now because it may not be possible even next year. 

Post # 47
Member
8259 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

he discounted all of my reasons for wanting that when we were arguing because he felt that the stress of the pandemic and the wedding planning was clouding my judgment

Are you fucking kidding me? He sounds like a mysogynistic asshole. He thinks he knows better than you. What, is it because youre a woman and got too emotional over SCIENTIFIC SUGGESTIONS to stay the fuck home? 

If a man EVER told me this he thought he knew what I wanted better than ME TELLING HIM WITH MY WORDS he would regret that so fucking fast. 

Post # 48
Member
1461 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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@jellybellynelly:  so much this!

OP, your last update should tell you very important things about your fiancé. This is who he is. This what you’re signing up for. This is the example you’ll set for your daughters. This is the example you’ll set for your sons. This is not okay.

You’ve clearly described a jerk. Don’t marry a jerk. 

Post # 49
Member
2021 posts
Buzzing bee

You two have no business getting married.

You’re both young and inexperienced with dating, haven’t been together all that long- got engaged after a little over a year and have been constantly fighting ever since. You two are rushing marriage due to your religion so you can live together and you are having power struggles and calling off the engagement left and right. 

You need to break up and grow up individually.

Nothing you’ve written about this relationship sounds like it would stand a chance at marriage. You two can’t even get along with wedding planning- how in the hell are you possibly going to handle REAL problems as a team?

And he thinks he knows better than you what YOU want? Fuck that.

You keep talking about your comfort level when you’re pregnant- idk what that has to do with anything. What happens when you actually HAVE the child? Have you not thought about what will happen if you’re not comfortable putting your child in a certain situation and your SO disagrees? He will probably tell you he knows what you want better and he knows best and do what he wants with the child.

When you’re pregnant you have full control of your baby that you’re carrying. Once you birth the child, you can tell him you’re uncomfortable with something all you want but he can take the child and not listen to you. 

What if you want the child to do virtual learning and he wants them to go in-person? (obviously this would be years from now but is just an example using the pandemic). What if he wants to pull your child from the school they’re in and put them in a school that is doing 100% in-person classes? Then what? 

These situations happen with couples with children all the time, even if they break up. Pregnancy is just the beginning of it.

For example, a dad bringing a different girlfriend around the child every week, despite the mom not being ok with it. Even if you don’t split up your SO is most likely going to continue being exactly how he is now. So if he doesn’t respect your boundaries and comfort levels with the pandemic now, you can forget about him respecting your wishes for your child or being willing to compromise. This isn’t just about YOU. You need to think about how this would affect a future child’s life, not just yours.

Then there’s this:

As I pressed him on it, he revealed that he wasn’t sure if he should marry me because I don’t handle stress well enough and he was trying to buy himself time.” 

This is all you need to know to end the relationship.

And even worse! “He said that he wanted to see me work on my issues (that I fight with him over wedding and pandemic stress) and make progress before he committed to marrying me.” 

So he takes zero accountability for his part in all this and demands that you do all the work in the relationship? 

1)  his reasons for delaying marriage- blaming you and saying you don’t handle stress well- are 100% horse shit

2) there are many legitimate reasons you two should not ever get married but he didn’t cite a single one of them! 

3) he initially refused to go to counseling. He sees it as a failure to attend therapy. 

4) he has gaslit you multiple times and in multiple ways- essentially telling you he knows what kind of wedding you want better than you do, and telling you that YOU don’t handle stress well and YOU need to make all the changes while he sits back and judges you from his throne

Please don’t even try to defend him on that one because you saying you aren’t sure or were making assumptions about his thoughts just shows how poor your communication is. 

This relationship sounds like your typical first relationship- a good stepping stone full of lessons  from tons of mistakes you made. Not a relationship that is ready for marriage

This relationship is not meant to make it to marriage.

It should NEVER be this hard.

Post # 50
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

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@luisamay13:  I would also like to add that where I live, we cannot actually get married in the Catholic Church WITHOUT proof of attending a pre-marital course. So it is definitely not an admission of a failed relationship, and hopefully by attending he will cease associating those two things. 

Post # 51
Member
6978 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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@luisamay13:  Maybe it’s just something in the way you’re writing about him, but all your updates are making me cringe. This guy is coming off as very misogynistic IMO. Like he knows everything and even knows your own mind better than you. 

Post # 52
Member
4429 posts
Honey bee

OP, I think you want this relationship to work so badly that you aren’t seeing the glaring warning signs, nor being true to yourself. 

I also want to say that your boundaries with respect to Covid are completely reasonable and science-based. Don’t let him make you doubt yourself.

Post # 53
Member
1943 posts
Buzzing bee

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@neverbeenstungbee:  THANK YOU.

OP, you sound like you guys are both fixated on the excitement of getting married and being able to live together and neither of you are actually ready for marriage. You aren’t choosing your partner based on compatibility, you are choosinng based on emotion and desire to live together, perhaps lust. Neither of you communicate well, he’s a terrible partner, and you lack the experience and confidence to nope out of this. Neither of you are mature enough to actually get married. And that’s fine – most of us did not get married in our first relationship for exactly the same reasons. And those who did, many of them divorced. None of us were mature enough or capable of choosing a partner for marriage for the right reasons, and it showed when we broke up, ended our engagements, or divorced. 

First, postpone your wedding. No, you shouldn’t marry someone so you can live together. You shouldn’t marry someone because they want a party. You shouldn’t marry someone because you went to bat to your family for them. None of these are good reasons to get married. 

Second, get yourself into therapy. You need to have a better understanding of what a healthy relationship is, apart from what religion dictates. If he agrees to go to therapy with you, great, but if not go alone. 

Third, really do some research and soul-searching to determine what it means to be married and what it takes from both partners. Anyone can fall in love, but that doesn’t make a marriage. Learn what does, and then find the wisdom inside yourself to judge your relationship apart from emotion and making plans for the future. 

Post # 54
Member
264 posts
Helper bee

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@luisamay13:  Having a 300-person, 200-person, 100-person, 75-person, or 50-person event is selfish, stupid, and ridiculous. Unless you are standing in a field 100% of the time, there is no way to socially distance even with a couple dozen people. You are absolutely right to insist on cancelling the event and I, a person that has adhered to none of your beliefs/choices, agree with and respect your reasons for wanting to elope. I also happen to be a coronavirus researcher (I am the end of my PhD and legitimately study the virus and have for years. I don’t just test blood samples, I have a way-too-deep understanding of coronavirus biology and the scientific working that has been published about it since the field began 50+ years ago), and the comments that he does not trust/is downplaying the risk in the pandemic because of his “opinions” would be the end for me. I don’t think people like him get it; his “opinions” are not valid. They are worth less than the air used to make them. Lay people, people with no expertise in this virus, have no right to comment on the decisions/recommendations made by experts. The fact that he is so unwilling to listen, learn, and is even going so far as to refuse a relationship expert’s perspective, indicates he might be prideful, stubborn, and potentially misogynistic. The reason I include the last bit is because I’ve heard and seen religious men say that a woman is “not good at dealing with stress” or “emotional” or “hysterical” to 1) try to control her and get her to do what he wants and 2) invalidate her. If I were you, I would not allow this… gem of a man to be mad at you for not breaking lockdown (thank you, you are the reason it hasn’t been worse than the hell it already is) or to berate you and make you feel less than because you are pushing back on him.

Question… does he think the virus was made in a lab? If he does, please throw the whole man away. 100% serious.

Obligatory CoV scientist note: I am happy to answer any/all questions if you have any.

Post # 55
Member
9995 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@bluecandy:  

Thank you, thank you……

Post # 56
Member
9995 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@luisamay13:  

I have no doubt all you say about your area is true… but so what? Is he unable or unwilling to read/ hear/ understand ANYTHING not directly relating to him ? Every word you write about him, even, or perhaps especially, when you are attempting to defend him shows him as a truly unattractive individual. 
And – though this is probably crossing the line but l feel worried for you – l’m kind of glad you are abstaining from sex as l very seriously doubt what you will get after abstinence from this guy will have been worth waiting for . If he has any knowledge or interest in women’s sexual response l would be very surprised…….

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