Should I stay in this marriage or move on?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Has he always been overweight, or is this a fairly recent weightgain? His insecurity from his weight might be contributing to his lack of drive. What was your sex life like prior to marriage?

Post # 3
Member
31 posts
Newbee

 

afternoontea23 :  Was just about to comment what FutureMrsBex did ! 

 

Also to add to that, your husband has a highly expensive degree so I’d like to think that enabled him to have a good job that can hopefully offset the cost of the degree after a few years?

I think its important to say that because you both do still share that emotional connection and are comfortable talking to about deep topics, maybe you can both consider marriage counseling.

Counseling can help couples who have topics they would like to address.  Going once in a while even when things are great can be helpful as it helps maintain that healthy communication and gives both parties a safe space they feel comfortable sharing something they might not have otherwise in fear of the partner being hurt. 

Post # 4
Member
547 posts
Busy bee

afternoontea23 :  I must be a bit dense, so forgive me. You have a strong emotional connection, but you don’t know why he doesn’t want to have sex? And where does the less than friendly family play in to all of this? Are they so bad you would leave your husband because of their behavior?  Do you nag him about his weight? I wouldn’t want to have sex with my hubby if he found me unattractive. People often overeat for emotional reasons. I’m in great shape, but I’m an emotional eater. I’m also borderline diabetic. I would be overweight and on meds if I didn’t weight train and control my emotional eating. Has your hubby seen a doctor about the weight gain, and if so, what did they say? 

Post # 5
Member
420 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like some of these problems can be managed and you can see a huge improvement if you are both open to it. I think it would help you to have peace of mind and not live with major regrets if you at least try to explore solutions first and don’t jump to leaving straight away.

* I’ll start with the easy one first. His family. I’m assuming you don’t live with them or depend on them in significant ways which actually makes it really easy to set boundaries with them. If they cannot be nice to you or appreciate it, stop with the favours. You don’t owe them anything. Anyone who cannot treat you with respect needs to be avoided. I know you have said that you and your husband don’t talk to them any more, but since you have posted about it, I assume it still bothers you. Set very clear boundaries with his family, and stick to them. Tell them, calmly, how you expect to be treated, and move away from them if they violate that. If they continue to violate it, you should avoid them for an indefinite period. Just because people are family does not mean common decency goes out the window.

* It sounds like your husband’s weight issue and the sex issue might be closely intertwined. I would probably approach the weight issue first because it seems to be leading to the lack of sex (or it might be something else, but for these purposes I’m going to assume the weight is the major contributor). 

Talk to him – gently and without judgment. Don’t make demands about him losing weight, try to get his feelings about it. Try to get a sense for whether he wants to lose weight. If he doesn’t, you are going to have a much harder time. If he does, then I suggest you tackle this as a team. You can help him in a big way. If you buy the groceries for the house, look at buying healthier, lower calorie snacks. Do a bit of googling and find ways of making his favourite meals with less calories and fat. Stock up your fridge and cupboards on tasty but healthier food. (I know you said you were low on cash, but healthier food does not always have to mean more expensive. This will require a little bit of thinking outside the box.) Don’t make drastic changes – the most effective weight loss strategies are about what the person can live with and maintain over the long term.

If you enjoy doing activities together, try to incorporate some exercise into them. There are lots of fun, more active things you can do as a couple. Try different suggestions on him, and see which one he bites on.

* The sex is trickier, but sex is often a reflection of the emotional connection between the couple. If you guys are not bonding and are unhappy, men will sometimes pull away sexually. I would first make sure it’s not something external (a medical issue, or God forbid, infidelity) and if it isn’t, then work on becoming closer and happier as a couple. Therapy or counselling can help massively with your communication which I would suggest definitely needs to improve before you guys will start having sex regularly again.

Post # 7
Member
5677 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m curious about this “my husband is overweight and promised to lose the weight but didn’t” comment. No one should need to promise to lose weight as a condition of love or partnership. If you weren’t okay with him or his weight, then you should not have agreed to marry him. For many people, it isn’t just a matter of “Okay, now I’m going to lose this weight.” otherwise, it would be done already. You need to accept his body as he is, with or without the weight loss. If you have concerns about his habits (like excessive gaming) or choices he is making that are harmful to his health (like drinking a shitload of sugary carbonated drinks while gaming) – those are something separate to address.

The lack of sex would probably be a dealbreaker for me at some point- someone I love but do not have sex with is a friend, not a partner. But I wonder if some of his resistance to sex is about that expectation that he should be trying to drop weight in order to be okay for you to love.

Post # 8
Member
8605 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

afternoontea23 :  The lack of sex could be related to his weight. When you say “he promised” to lose weight, how did that conversation come about? You should never marry someone expecting them to change anything. If you’re not happy with who they are at that time, don’t marry them because even if they say they’ll change, even if they want to change, they probably won’t. Regarding money, travelling and going out a lot could be why you have no money. Are you both working now? Did or will his degree help him get a good-paying job? I recommend coming up with a realistic budget for your current income, which you can re-evaluate and adjust as your income increases.

Post # 9
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Hmm maybe he feels pressured by you. Just speculating now, but maybe he feels less a man because he doesn’t feel good about the fact, that you paid for everything. It seems to be a very difficult topic for men, although they seem to be open etc. But maybe deep down he fells inferior because of that? And as other bees pointed out, it is also important if he feels bad in his body.

So maybe it would be best ask how he feels. How he feels in general and in the relationship. This could be a starting point. And maybe he needs to see a professional to sort things out with himself?

Post # 10
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2019

It’s a one-sided position. It is not enough for giving any advice. A single rational way in this situation to find out a true reason for the situation. Sexual life is not a separate item but strongly intertwined with all the other relational aspects. So, there are should be the preconditions for his passiveness and they are in your treating him (most likely). The counselor only can tell for sure what is wrong with your family after listening to both positions. In family life a single person could not be guilt, both are responsible.

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