Should I stay or go.

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
2768 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I suggest you put off the wedding. Even if you’ve had a lot of life experiences, you are still young. People change a lot between your age and 25. Who you are now and what is important to you now will probably change. How did you find out that he was looking for escorts? Was there something that made you feel like you should look at his search history? What does your gut tell you to do? 

Post # 32
Member
2283 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

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@anon10:  I’m not saying you’re immature. I was mature at 22, too. I loved talking politics, I was financially independent, etc…. and I still changed a ton – I’m still changing. It’s one of the best parts of your 20’s – If you don’t change you’re missing out on an incredible experience. I stayed with the same partner, too. Maturity and the growth you go through in your 20’s are separate. My opinion was not that you shouldn’t marry young – I’m often the lone voice on some of these threads arguing, “OP is not too young to get married.” My point is that you will change and you need a mature and secure person to appreciate that about you. Your partner is not mature or secure and he’s nearly 30. You have so much time to find the “perfect” guy. This guy’s is not him and he’s not being completely honest with you. 

Post # 33
Member
3029 posts
Sugar bee

This isn’t the first major issue in your relationship. What were your deleted threads about?

Post # 34
Member
386 posts
Helper bee

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@anon10:  I’m sorry but I agree with PP. You being 22 isn’t the issue. Lots of people are mature at 22. I was way more mature than most of my friends at 22. I’ve always dated men older than me too, but I’ve always had a cut off. Maturity isn’t what we’re talking about.

I’m just going to blunt, and many might not agree with me but I hope you’ll at least consider what I’m saying. An 18 year old child dating a 25 year old man is creepy and gross. I automatically assumed he was taking advantage of you. You can be a mature 18 year old but at the end of the day you were still a barely legal child being taken advantage of by a fully grown adult. I’ve seen lots of stories with age gaps like this where the man seems perfect but once the woman is locked down he turns abusive or starts cheating with 18 year olds again.

I’m not saying it’s going to happen to you, but I am saying that your age gap combined with him looking at escorts raises major red flags. I would leave immediately. You’re too young to be dealing with this. Explore life and have fun. This won’t be the only time he does shady crap and you don’t deserve that. 

Post # 35
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

As someone who is 22 with a 27 year old fiance, I do not see the age gap so much of an issue as dihonesty, which people can be regardless of age.  I do agree that at 22 you are growing and changing a lot, however, as long as your partner recognises that and you can grow together, then there is the potential for a good healthy relationship. I met my fiance when I was 18 and he was 23 and I don’t think that an 18 year old is a child, but I recognise that some 18 year olds can be more mature or immature than others, just like with any adult age. Where I live, 18 year olds can legally go to bars, drink, play the lottery, buy a house, get married etc. 

But never think that it is too late just because something is paid for. It’s not too late until you’ve said your “I Do’s”. Yes, it may be embarassing and you may lose deposits on bookings, but it’s better than walking down the aisle and knowing you’re about to make a mistake. Looking at escorts is certainly not good, but I think everyone deserves a second chance (but not a third) only IF he was just looking and not acting on it. If he had actually seen an escort then obviusly it would be game over. This could be an isolated incident and him being curious, but if he ever looks again or acts on it I would not accept that. Definitely keep an eye on his behaviour and proceed with caution if you want to give him a second chance. 

Post # 36
Member
5291 posts
Bee Keeper

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@lifeisbeeutiful:  I was about to say but you beat me. Agree. Never say never. How many stories have we heard that started off with, “I would have never imagined in a million years that my husband would…..” ?

Post # 37
Member
8218 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@mrsaime:  this was the only one I could find

 

Post # 39
Member
608 posts
Busy bee

Maybe I am alone in this, but I wouldn’t be quite as upset by this as other posters would be. I’m sure if I pulled my own google history I would find some weird stuff. We all have our phones with us at all times. We can look up random things whenever they enter our minds or come up in conversations with other people. We might see something on TV or in a movie and wonder about it. I’m sure I have looked up some stuff that out of context would seem odd. I have definitely looked up adult ads on Craigslist after seeing a TV show that featured escorts, just out of curiosty. The doc series I was watching mentioned how many ads are on Craigslist so I decided to see for myself and then browsed through a few. I have no intention on ever hiring an escort but it was certainly interesting to look at the ads. 

It is weird to me that he said he didn’t know why he looked them up. I would need more of an answer than that. Even if it is a stupid one. 

How did you even come across this? Were you looking through his google search history? I honestly find THAT more concerning that a random google search about a taboo topic

Post # 40
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee

Honestly I would go, there’s no good innocent reason for a guy to be googling escorts unless he at least already entertained the idea of it..

We all google weird shit… but there is nothing weird about “escort” its just wrong

Also the age gap is concerning when looking at when you met, my husband is 5 years older than me but we met when i graduated university… 

I can’t imagine what a 25 year old MAN who has a career and assets for several years now has in common with a 1st/2nd year college student

You know this is wrong it’s why you made this post.. if you deep down thought this is something you would move past you wouldn’t run that by internet strangers

I promise 26 year old you will thank yourself for leaving

 

 

Post # 41
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

I honestly don’t think your age has much to do with anything. I’m 23 with a 31 year old fiance and we have a very healthy, happy relationship. People mature differently and are looking for various things. You might be an “old” soul and there is nothing wrong with that. 

I have several thoughts for you.

1. Couples counseling seems like it would benefit you! This will really help you decide what you want and if you are willing to work through things with your fiance. 

2. Strangers on the internet cannot help you decide what is best for you. Only you know yourself and your partner and your situation. But there are some questions that you can ask yourself to help process through your emotions.

3. Do you want to be with someone, raise children with someone, who possibly cheated on you early on in the relationship? Why did he search escorts in the area? He knows why and is not telling you. That is a deeper concern for me-that he isn’t communicating clearly with you and being honest as to why he searched escorts. Are there cultural aspects at play here at all? Was he raised more conservatively where he doesn’t talk about sex or the sex industry? Could that be a reason why he told you he didn’t know why he researched it? 

Do you want to fully commit yourself to someone that might not be fully committed to you? Are there other issues besides him possibly cheating? If so, what? What are the strengths of your relationships? What are your weaknesses? What is your gut telling you to do? What is your head telling you to do? 

4. Could it be a possibility that he was simply searching out of curiosity? My friend had a boyfriend who got a “happy ending massage” in our town and I definitely researched escorts in our area after I heard about that just out of curiosity. I do think people google random shit all the time and it doesn’t necessarily mean the person has nefarious intentions.  

My final thought/recommendation is that you sit down with your SO and explain to him what you are feeling. Tell him you are scared. Come to him from a place of vulnerability and hopefully he will be open with you as well. 

 

Post # 42
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - City, State

A guy not looking to cheat/hire a hooker does not search online for local escorts. 

 

Post # 43
Member
752 posts
Busy bee

Hear him out as to his motive of googling.. see if he tell white lies right to yiur fave about that. Then decide if counseling is for you. It seems like he isn’t completely satisfied with just one partner (nothing against you)! Seem like he wants more sex or variety of women and with no strings attached. You gotta dig down and know the root of his intentions before commitment. I would say i wont accept it and start fresh with a trusting partner but im not you. Be wise bee

Post # 44
Member
3029 posts
Sugar bee

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@jellybellynelly:  We can always count on you!! There has to be more based on the post count. But I’m sure we can all imagine what they say!

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