(Closed) Should I stay or should I go? Impatiently waiting for the ring.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
171 posts
Blushing bee

Sounds like he doesn’t even know what he’s doing with himself in life, let alone being ready to settle down. I think you are WAY ahead of him on the marriage track and at your ages I honestly would let him go. He already allowed one timeline to come and go and has shown you through his actions (or lack thereof) that it’s not his priority. 

Post # 3
4226 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

DH and I were together for three years, and living together for two of them when we got engaged. At the TWO year mark of our relationship we started talking about engagement. Sure, he SAID he wanted to get married, but we could just never get on the same page. Couples we knew who started dating after us were getting married, and I was starting to get a little concerned. Out of one side of his mouth he said he wanted to get married, but out of the other side if I EVER brought it up he’d get furious! At one point I got him to agree to a timeline. But then that day came and went. and he acted angry towards me because I was dissapointed. 

I admit I lost faith. I actually was planning my exit by our three year aniversary of dating. I had been saving up money like crazy, apartment shopping, slowly detaching myself emotionally, even my closest friends knew I was leaving him. On our three year aniversary he proposed out of nowhere. I was in a position where it would be awkward for me to say no. I then spent the year and a half we were engaged wondering if he somehow knew I wanted to leave and only proposed to keep me. It tainted the whole engagement in my mind and there were a few times I considered calling it off.

Clearly I didn’t. We will be married for a year this coming September.

My point is while I AM happy now, a big part of me will always wonder if I am TRULY happy or just going through the motions. Looking back, there was no feasible way I could have said no when he proposed, but I should have been fair to both of us and at least postponed the engagement until I figured this out.

Why am I telling you all this? I want you to think very deeply about how you feel and what you want out of life. If you have even a little doubt, or are even considering losing faith and leaving…it may be best to do just that; even for only a little while. Nothing is harder than spoiling your engagement and possibly even marriage wondering.

Post # 4
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

It sounds to me like somewhere in his heart he DOES want to marry you, but waaaay farther down the line than where you are currently.  So, he is being honest in his desire to spend his life with you, but your timelines are vastly different.  You need to decide if you want to live on his timeline, or CAN live on his timeline, or if you need to go out and make your own way, and find someone who is more in the same stage of life as you.  

I don’t know what the answer is.  But I do know how hard it is when your partner is in a different place in life than you.  

Post # 8
286 posts
Helper bee

Okay, there’s a LOT to unpack here, but I would say two things stood out to me. 

1, the ring is gone from the safe. Do you definitely know he has it? If he does then he is more than likely considering a proposal at some point – unless he’s sold it to pay off gambling debts or something! I would consider this is positive step, except… 

2 – he let a deadline come and go. If I were you I’d talk to him frankly about it, explain that’s not cool, and discuss setting another (close) deadline. I would usually say walk, apart from the ring being out of the safe, and the fact that (as a PP mentioned) he seems to be generally confused about life right now! If he misses deadline 2 or doesn’t want to set a new one, walk. 

I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but you clearly want kids – if he’s not going to step up for you or messes you around, don’t waste any more of your time on him. Get out and find someone who can’t wait to be your husband and baby daddy, stat.

Post # 9
819 posts
Busy bee

Sorry, I stopped reading after you said you had to wait EIGHT MONTHS for him to say I love you back!! I understand that maybe he wasn’t ready to say it yet when you did, but seriously, eight months is wayyyyy too long. I would’ve left him a long time ago. That, combined with the passed deadline, just doesn’t make this relationship seem worth it to me. You shouldn’t have to be pulling teeth; you should be having conversations about where you want to go in life, and you should want the same things at a mutually agreed upon and enforced time. If you aren’t on the same page about what you want and when you want it, you’re wasting your time.

Post # 10
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
elizabeeth :  I think that he does intend to marry you.  He doesn’t get angry or put you off.  Yes, he did not meet a deadline (yours?), but the ring is not in the safe either.  

However, I think if I were him, I’d be more concerned with feeling settled in a good job first.  Marriage and taking care of a family for a man are important.  If he’s feeling like he’s in the wrong job, it must be hard to even think about taking the next step.  

Since he is an attorney, is there another area of law that he can practice?  Can you help him negotiate that scenario, and find a different type of position?  Logically, he may think he needs to get more education, and that would likely put off plans longer, but that may not be what he needs to do, but with his level of stress, maybe that is all he can think of as a solution.  

Perhaps you know what a better match for him would be, and would be able to discuss it with him and help with networking to make it happen.  If that stress falls away, and he feels more in charge of his future, I bet you would be closer to getting the proposal you are waiting for.  

Marriage is helping your partner through thick and thin, for better or for worse.   

Post # 11
9940 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

If I were in your exact situation I’d feel he is probably feeling overwhelmed and extremely stressed about his job, as he mentioned to you.  I would think he might feel the engagement ring, proposal planning, wedding planning, etc., process is adding so much to his stress level, in just thinking about it, that he keeps shoving it to the back burner of his mind.  After all you have a great relationship, live together and seem compatible from what you’ve said, so the relationship is mostly easy for him (as it should be, for both of you). 

Back to my point – what I would do in your situation is this:  Figure out if you really want to be married to HIM and what that will mean, or if you simply want to be married and have a wedding.  If you simply want to marry him how about brainstorming some ideas to “let him off the hook” about the ring, the proposal, etc.  A lot of men simply aren’t good at planning romantic surprises.  My husband, for instance, proposed to me at the dining room table the same evening he’d picked up my ring at the jeweler.  He was too excited and knew I would be happy and excited, too, and not have expectations about some romantic, idealized proposal.  My husband is a wonderful man but struggles in the thinking-up-romantic-ideas department.  And I’m fine with that.

Maybe let him know you just want to be married and the two of you can think outside the box regarding planning.  There are no “rules” you have to follow and what allows him to feel you’re helping him to be less stressed about it might do the trick.  For example, design the ring together instead of it being on all him.  Let him know you’re ok with a mutual agreement to get married rather than some elaborate, formal proposal.  But only if that’s true, of course.  And you can manage the brunt of the wedding planning.  I promised my then Fiance that I would handle most of the wedding stress and planning with no problem because I knew he wouldn’t enjoy it as much as I did. 

These are just ideas because it sounds as though you have a great relationship here that’s being stressed to the max by his job.  You can help him by talking it through and letting him know you’re on his side.

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