- 7 years ago
- Wedding: December 2018
Where to even begin….I got engaged this past October after being with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. I love him dearly and he is WONDERFUL to my 7 year old daughter. We get along extremely well, have the same tastes and a lot of the same interests there is only one very big problem, his ex girlfriend. She is literally the majority of every argument we have ever had. It started out over two years ago when we were laying down talking, he was holding his cell phone up and a text from her flashed across the screen. She was only entered into his phone with initials and I didn’t even read the message but I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach that something wasn’t right, which is weird because I have no explanation as to why. At this point we were only together a few months and I didn’t even feel i had the right to ask, but I couldn’t shake the feeling so I did. He said he didn’t know who it was and would have to look and then told me it was an old friend. Throughout the next several months he would get random texts from this person all hours of the evening and always tell me that they were to the wrong person. In my heart I knew he was lying and it wasn’t until one day I was adamant about him really being honest with me that he even told me it was his ex girlfriend, but that they weren’t even really friends and it was nothing and that she was married. I was upset that he lied to me but the calls and the texts continued until it ended up happening in the middle of the night. FInally I put my foot down, for whatever reason I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was up, and I said if it is really nothing and you guys are not really friends then I would appreciate if the communication stopped because communication in the middle of the night with an ex seems a little inappropriate. Well come to find out she wasn’t married, but when she was previously married she cheated on her husband with my now fiance although they dated seriously for a few years before breaking up and her moving on and then the one night stand happened. He promised me that he would cut ties if it made me uncomfortable, said she didn’t mean anything to him, and even erased her from his phone just to “prove” to me that nothing was going on and he didnt care and said that they didn’t even talk. Well things were fine…months went by and then the calls and texts started up again, so I called her because I had to know if there was something going on and as a single mother I didn’t want to put my daughter through anything crazy. I was very nice and she let me have it….told me that they had been talking and hiding it from me and I needed to trust my man etc etc. I tried to explain that I never had the opportunity to trust him because he lied about the entire thing, even the fact that they were close and talking. Then she proceeded to send me some nasty text messages about how whether i liked it or not she would always be a part of his life because they just shared too much together. Well, given the fact that I was lied to about everything and uncovered many several hour long late night phone calls I knew that personally this was not something that I could handle. I told him that if this was something that he needed to continue that was fine, but that I would need to move on because given the fact that I was lied to from day one, and that they had an affair I just would never be comfortable with it. He told me that he was done with all of that and that he would never lie to me again…and that she was in the past and he would let her go because he loved me and saw a future with me. Ok….so he did reach out to her and tell her that i was uncomfortable with things and communication needed to stop although I could tell he was reluctant to do so and he promised me that it was all in the past and he realized he couldn’t be her support system especially given the fact that she was now engaged to someone else.
fast forward….we were struck by a natural disaster almost a year ago and his ex freaked out, she started calling and texting him to make sure he was ok, and even asked her fiance to turn around on the highway and take her to his house so she could check in on him. I guess her fiance didn’t like that too much so he ended up breaking up with her which for some reason she blamed on me. She then sends my bf a text message saying that she needed to talk to me and wanted to know if I had anything to do with her man leaving her. I had nothing to do with anything….she was upset and crying and I felt sorry for her so I talked to her for an hour, told her I would be praying for her, and maybe if she gave him time that he would come back….and I kept my word and did pray for her. Well she kept reaching out to my bf and things got very ugly again, but once again he assured me that contact was done. He even told her in front of me that he didn’t want to stay in touch…in which she proceeded to verbally assault me.
fast forward to this November and she started calling again…and then texting which was right after we got engaged. He did however respond and as it turns out not only did he respond he lied to me about the whole thing again, told me that all he said was thanks to her message and then erased everything that came after it….and then showed me on his own so that I would believe him. Come to find out they had a whole conversation. I asked her again to please have some respect for our relationship and that she was causing us problems and then she told me that she would be around long after I was gone, and started to say how she felt bad for my child, and what a willing participant he was with their affair when she was married. ALthough I should have taken the high road I did get in the ditch and got ugly back with her. My problem is he didn’t stand up for me as she said all of these thngs to me….he broke his promise to me that there would be no more contact….and he lied to my face and actually placed thought into the lie by making it appear to be something it wasn’t.
So I packed my things, gave him back his ring and moved out. I understand that men have female friends and he has a couple and I don’t have a problem with them. I do however have a problem when someone lies about someone from the start and it is one lie after the next because usually people don’t lie unless they have something to hide. Had he told me from day one that she was an ex but it wasn’t like that, they were just through a lot together, and maybe extended the offer for me to meet her…things probably would have been fine. however, he never even gave me that opportunity before just feeding me a lie.His excuse for that was that he didn’t want me to worry or think something was going on, which is exactly what the lie had me think. THe fact that she has attacked me and my character verbally when I was never unkind (except this last go round) and he never defended me just makes me question so much. It doesn’t help that she cheated on her former husband with him either. I just don’t know what to do. I love him and aside from this issue things are pretty perfect. After I left it almost seems as if he has had an awakening, I can literally see the difference in him and he says he realizes just how wrong everything was and he can’t believe he put me through all of this. He said that it will never happen again as this time he really realizes it and the mistakes he has made and wants to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. My issue is why didn’t he realize it before? My issue is last year when I uncovered the numerous conversations he said similar things…although like I said he does actually seem genuine and sincere this time. I just don’t want to be lied to. Although I know if he would have told me the truth that it was going to continue last year after everying I would have definitely left, I would have rather had the truth and moved on then have someone feed me lies. Under normal circumstances I would have walked away already and that would be IT for me. However, I do actually see a sincerety in him that I haven’t seen before and I absolutely do believe he loves me, wants us to work, and I also don’t think that he has physically cheated with her since we have been together. As a matter of fact I don’t think that he would even if given the opportunity, it is her I don’t trust at all.
To me this all sounds like a Jerry Springer episode and isn’t exactly how I wanted my engagement to play out. Now I am conflicted. Do I walk away and wait for someone who values honesty and integrity the way I do? Or do I give this man that I love yet another chance and hope that he has really seen how much this has hurt me, because he actually does seem to this time. I don’t want to give up, but I don’t want to be played for a fool either.