(Closed) Should I stay or should I go now?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I’m sorry !! THis is so tough.  Don’t have sage advice for you – just wanted to give you *HUGS*

Post # 4
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

I guess you need to ask yourself if you’d rather be with him and not engaged/married, or you’d rather spend the rest of your life without him.

Post # 5
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

to me, it doesn’t sound like this is about you or your relationship at all… he seems pretty open about things and is very communicative w/ you from what you’ve said here, in my opinion. He probably is literally confused (especially if he doesn’t like his job) and has a lot on his plate to think about. I mean, if you have a good job and a house, it’s easy to think about marriage.. but if you are wondering about your job and wondering where you want to live and then get questions about marriage (which is huugggeee) i can see how he has a mental roadblock. Give him time! and help him find a job he enjoys, or program of study to get into. If he’s content with these things he’ll be more than willing to give marriage more thought. If he isn’t actively making his life better and still gives you the run around, then i would worry.

Post # 6
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

A lot of people see marriage as a particular kind of life style so it makes sense to them that they can’t get married till they know what kind of life they want/will have.  But if he really does not know where life will take him but want you in it – that’s IMO exactly the right reason to get married.  You should tell him that you don’t want or need him to figure out what he is going to do just that he still wants to be with you. That the two of you are going to have wonderful adventures in your life independently and together and no one ever knows where life will take them but you want him to be your partner during all of it.  If he was being truthful… you guys should get married. 

I mean, I don’t know about other girls, but I don’t want my guy to marry me because he wants to get married and I look like a good prospect/wife I want him to want to marry me because he always wants to be with me.  If you put it that way it might convince him.

Post # 7
Member
2513 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I think what I’m about to say is more comment than advice, but either way here goes.

You sound sure of yourself and what you want for your future. You all have been together for a reasonable amount of time and IMO way long enough for him to have figured it out already. If you haven’t been pushing, and have been waiting patiently all this time, I just want to say good job! You have hung in there way longer than I would have, but I am pessimistic, untrusting and impatient anyways (bless my hubby’s little pea-pickin’ heart) which is typically a lethal combo for a relationship so, like I said, I’m mostly just commenting more than advising 😛 but, I digress. Back to your situation. I do not think it is necessary to have every other aspect of your life mapped out before marriage. It’s definately a good idea to be financially secure (which you guys are) and to know each other VERY well (which apparently you do). I really think those are the only necessary prerequisites of marriage. Everything else is a journey. There will always be things that you both want to do & pursue, either together or independently of each other, which is fine. As long as you support each other, that’s all that counts. It sounds like you are willing to go above and beyond that! He should be grateful to have someone like you, who is grounded in her feelings for him and able to support his future dreams. I honestly don’t know what his holdup is, but due to the length of your relationship, I will agree with you that it sounds mostly like an excuse to buy himself more time. I don’t know the details of your relationship, everything you’ve experienced together, etc, but in my opinion he’s had tons of time. You have a life too, and if he can’t give you more of a commitment after 4.5 years, as heartbreaking as it is, you might need to move on. Have another talk with him, be upfront and honest. Anything that you might have held back from him in the other conversation, you might want to go ahead and get out there. Give him a chance to really speak his mind and listen to everything he says, no matter how small. He might not know how to communicate his actual feelings in a straightforward way. Guys aren’t always the best at that 😉

Good luck in all that you do. I hope things work out the way you want them to!

Post # 9
Member
2513 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@ Mrs. DG – she tried that already 😉

“I also just want to say that after following mr. bee’s plan for about 2 or 3 weeks this is the convo that ensued. I had been keeping way busy by working night shifts, going out with friends, spending long weekends at my parent’s house and avoiding marriage talk.”

Post # 10
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I am so sorry… I don’t know how I missed that except that I didn’t read as closely as I should have at the end.

One thing I have learned is that until most men feel somewhat settled in their plan for the future, they have a hard time envisioning the next step in their relationship.  I hope you are able to find a solution that gives you some peace!

Post # 11
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I honestly can understand your boyfriend’s POV. Marriage didn’t really get on my radar until I only had a year of school left and a good job lined up.

I think a come to Jesus talk may be in order, though. You want to be with him. But you need a serious commitment. You are willing, nay, want to be there for the changes he will inevitably make as he finds out more about what he wants his life to look like. You want to go for the ride…but as his wife.

Keep in mind, though, that if you say this you are actually making a huge commitment to him, one you have to stand by. Are you really willing to move? Are you really willing to be the sole breadwinner? Are you really willing to delay having children? Are you really willing to run through your whole savings and take on significant debt? Those are the roads his journey may take you on.

If you are honestly ready for that, let him know, and let him know that what you need to do these things is the commitment. I think it is a fair exchange.

Post # 12
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Can you give us a bit more context on how this conversation came up?  Did he bring it up while you guys were just hanging out together?

Post # 13
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

I can see both sides of the story. As a woman, I know it is frustrating to doubt whether you are the one in his mind. I have wondered myself plenty of times. On the other hand, I can completely understand him wanting to find himself and establish himself in the world before getting married. I am on weddingbee because I love weddings, and I’d love to be married to the man I’m with eventually, but I want to establish myself in this world first, or at least know where I’m headed. That does not mean that he loves you any less, or that he’s jerking you around.

Secondly, most men, it seems, put a ton of pressure on themselves to be the provider of a family. If he doesn’t feel secure in his own job and future, how can he expect to feel secure enough to help provide for you as well. Even if you are equal providers, I still feel that men feel this pressure.

I don’t know if any of these things apply to you and your man, but these are just some things that came to mind as I was reading your post. Good luck with everything!

Post # 14
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

4.5 years is a LONG time to be together without thinking you are gonna marry that person! to be brutally honest, you shouldn’t even have had to have that conversation with him last night. when a guy loves you he wants to be with you no matter what other things are going on in your lives and you just know you’ll make it work. i used to be in a similar situation with my ex. we were together for 3 years and sure he cared about me, but everything was about him- HIS job- HIS school- i was never the #1 priority. and you know what? it was really hard but i had to break up with him for what seemed like no good reason. i just didn’t want to be with someone who wasn’t as into our relationship as i was and didn’t care enough about me to seal the deal! and shortly after our break up i met my fiance! it sounds like the next step for the two of you is obviously marriage- and if he doesn’t see it that way and isn’t jumping at the chance to have you all to himself for the rest of his life? you deserve better.

Post # 15
Member
1339 posts
Bumble bee

When did people start having perfect lives before they got married?  You know poor people with nothing get married all the time.  I think your friend is right, time to move out and move on.  Of course you love him but what if he never knows what he wants to do?  Are you okay with waiting longer?  There is nothing wrong with adjusting your life accordingly if marriage is important to you.     

Post # 16
Member
3063 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think your friend is right. He can come up with a million reasons to keep putting it off and keep stringing you along.. but the bottom line is that even after investing 4 and a half years of your lives together he STILL doesn’t know what he wants! How can he expect you to be okay with putting your goals on the back burner indefinitely while he is able to complete his own? That isn’t equality… that’s just about HIM.

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