Post # 1
Oh man, this has been one rough week to be a waiting bee! I wasn’t sure if I should even post this here, or under relationships, or under emotional… There is just so much going on!! Last night boyfriend and I had one of the most serious talks I think we have ever had. He basically told me that the reason he has not proposed yet is because he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. He doesn’t know in which direction he would like his career to go, he doesn’t know where he would like to settle down, etc. And even though he thinks about it a lot, he doesn’t have any answers. He hasn’t proposed yet because he feels like he should have that figured out first. I’m not sure what he is trying to figure out. He HAS a job, we HAVE an apartment and we HAVE savings. I told him that as far as our relationship is concerned…. we don’t need to know where we are going to buy a house or what he might like to do in the future in order to get married. Right now he may not have his dream job, but we are financially secure and I told him that if he chooses to change careers or go back to school I will totally support him in whatever he decides. But I don’t see why we have to put all thoughts of marriage on the back burner until he figures it out. He’s 28, I’m 24…we have been together for 4.5 years and I have been living on my own since I was 18.
He gave me some line about how much he loved me and that he didn’t know where his future would go, but that he wanted me in it. It just sounded so fake and stupid. It sounded like what someone would say to their SO if they were proposing, not if they were telling them that they weren’t ready to get married. I had always thought that we were on the same page, through all these years together I thought we always wanted the same thing. And now he’s telling me that he doesn’t know what he wants. I love him. I really do. He’s my everything. But marriage is important to me — and he knows that! I don’t think it’s unreasonable that after so many years of dating/living together, etc. that I would want to get married. He tells me he wants me in his life, but he won’t commit.
I need advice big time girls. I don’t have a lot of girlfriends to talk to — although my best friend did tell me that it’s time for me to get outttttttttt of this relationship because he is going to continue to give me excuses and I will never get the committment from him that I want. I also just want to say that after following mr. bee’s plan for about 2 or 3 weeks this is the convo that ensued. I had been keeping way busy by working night shifts, going out with friends, spending long weekends at my parent’s house and avoiding marriage talk.
I feel so sad, so heartbroken and so confused right now. I don’t know if I’m over reacting, being impatient and not understanding of his fears or if I’m just letting myself be strung along. I am such a wreck and everything that I seemed sure of — a life and family together with him — seems to be slipping away.
Post # 3
I’m sorry !! THis is so tough. Don’t have sage advice for you – just wanted to give you *HUGS*
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden
I guess you need to ask yourself if you’d rather be with him and not engaged/married, or you’d rather spend the rest of your life without him.
Post # 5
to me, it doesn’t sound like this is about you or your relationship at all… he seems pretty open about things and is very communicative w/ you from what you’ve said here, in my opinion. He probably is literally confused (especially if he doesn’t like his job) and has a lot on his plate to think about. I mean, if you have a good job and a house, it’s easy to think about marriage.. but if you are wondering about your job and wondering where you want to live and then get questions about marriage (which is huugggeee) i can see how he has a mental roadblock. Give him time! and help him find a job he enjoys, or program of study to get into. If he’s content with these things he’ll be more than willing to give marriage more thought. If he isn’t actively making his life better and still gives you the run around, then i would worry.
Post # 6
A lot of people see marriage as a particular kind of life style so it makes sense to them that they can’t get married till they know what kind of life they want/will have. But if he really does not know where life will take him but want you in it – that’s IMO exactly the right reason to get married. You should tell him that you don’t want or need him to figure out what he is going to do just that he still wants to be with you. That the two of you are going to have wonderful adventures in your life independently and together and no one ever knows where life will take them but you want him to be your partner during all of it. If he was being truthful… you guys should get married.
I mean, I don’t know about other girls, but I don’t want my guy to marry me because he wants to get married and I look like a good prospect/wife I want him to want to marry me because he always wants to be with me. If you put it that way it might convince him.
Post # 7
I think what I’m about to say is more comment than advice, but either way here goes.
You sound sure of yourself and what you want for your future. You all have been together for a reasonable amount of time and IMO way long enough for him to have figured it out already. If you haven’t been pushing, and have been waiting patiently all this time, I just want to say good job! You have hung in there way longer than I would have, but I am pessimistic, untrusting and impatient anyways (bless my hubby’s little pea-pickin’ heart) which is typically a lethal combo for a relationship so, like I said, I’m mostly just commenting more than advising 😛 but, I digress. Back to your situation. I do not think it is necessary to have every other aspect of your life mapped out before marriage. It’s definately a good idea to be financially secure (which you guys are) and to know each other VERY well (which apparently you do). I really think those are the only necessary prerequisites of marriage. Everything else is a journey. There will always be things that you both want to do & pursue, either together or independently of each other, which is fine. As long as you support each other, that’s all that counts. It sounds like you are willing to go above and beyond that! He should be grateful to have someone like you, who is grounded in her feelings for him and able to support his future dreams. I honestly don’t know what his holdup is, but due to the length of your relationship, I will agree with you that it sounds mostly like an excuse to buy himself more time. I don’t know the details of your relationship, everything you’ve experienced together, etc, but in my opinion he’s had tons of time. You have a life too, and if he can’t give you more of a commitment after 4.5 years, as heartbreaking as it is, you might need to move on. Have another talk with him, be upfront and honest. Anything that you might have held back from him in the other conversation, you might want to go ahead and get out there. Give him a chance to really speak his mind and listen to everything he says, no matter how small. He might not know how to communicate his actual feelings in a straightforward way. Guys aren’t always the best at that 😉
Good luck in all that you do. I hope things work out the way you want them to!
Post # 8
I thought this might be helpful to you if you haven’t already seen it.
Mr. Bee’s Three Step Plan (and Backup Plan!) for getting engaged
Post # 9
@ Mrs. DG – she tried that already 😉
“I also just want to say that after following mr. bee’s plan for about 2 or 3 weeks this is the convo that ensued. I had been keeping way busy by working night shifts, going out with friends, spending long weekends at my parent’s house and avoiding marriage talk.”
Post # 10
I am so sorry… I don’t know how I missed that except that I didn’t read as closely as I should have at the end.
One thing I have learned is that until most men feel somewhat settled in their plan for the future, they have a hard time envisioning the next step in their relationship. I hope you are able to find a solution that gives you some peace!
Post # 11
I honestly can understand your boyfriend’s POV. Marriage didn’t really get on my radar until I only had a year of school left and a good job lined up.
I think a come to Jesus talk may be in order, though. You want to be with him. But you need a serious commitment. You are willing, nay, want to be there for the changes he will inevitably make as he finds out more about what he wants his life to look like. You want to go for the ride…but as his wife.
Keep in mind, though, that if you say this you are actually making a huge commitment to him, one you have to stand by. Are you really willing to move? Are you really willing to be the sole breadwinner? Are you really willing to delay having children? Are you really willing to run through your whole savings and take on significant debt? Those are the roads his journey may take you on.
If you are honestly ready for that, let him know, and let him know that what you need to do these things is the commitment. I think it is a fair exchange.
Post # 12
Can you give us a bit more context on how this conversation came up? Did he bring it up while you guys were just hanging out together?
Post # 13
I can see both sides of the story. As a woman, I know it is frustrating to doubt whether you are the one in his mind. I have wondered myself plenty of times. On the other hand, I can completely understand him wanting to find himself and establish himself in the world before getting married. I am on weddingbee because I love weddings, and I’d love to be married to the man I’m with eventually, but I want to establish myself in this world first, or at least know where I’m headed. That does not mean that he loves you any less, or that he’s jerking you around.
Secondly, most men, it seems, put a ton of pressure on themselves to be the provider of a family. If he doesn’t feel secure in his own job and future, how can he expect to feel secure enough to help provide for you as well. Even if you are equal providers, I still feel that men feel this pressure.
I don’t know if any of these things apply to you and your man, but these are just some things that came to mind as I was reading your post. Good luck with everything!
Post # 14
4.5 years is a LONG time to be together without thinking you are gonna marry that person! to be brutally honest, you shouldn’t even have had to have that conversation with him last night. when a guy loves you he wants to be with you no matter what other things are going on in your lives and you just know you’ll make it work. i used to be in a similar situation with my ex. we were together for 3 years and sure he cared about me, but everything was about him- HIS job- HIS school- i was never the #1 priority. and you know what? it was really hard but i had to break up with him for what seemed like no good reason. i just didn’t want to be with someone who wasn’t as into our relationship as i was and didn’t care enough about me to seal the deal! and shortly after our break up i met my fiance! it sounds like the next step for the two of you is obviously marriage- and if he doesn’t see it that way and isn’t jumping at the chance to have you all to himself for the rest of his life? you deserve better.
Post # 15
When did people start having perfect lives before they got married? You know poor people with nothing get married all the time. I think your friend is right, time to move out and move on. Of course you love him but what if he never knows what he wants to do? Are you okay with waiting longer? There is nothing wrong with adjusting your life accordingly if marriage is important to you.
Post # 16
I think your friend is right. He can come up with a million reasons to keep putting it off and keep stringing you along.. but the bottom line is that even after investing 4 and a half years of your lives together he STILL doesn’t know what he wants! How can he expect you to be okay with putting your goals on the back burner indefinitely while he is able to complete his own? That isn’t equality… that’s just about HIM.