(Closed) Should I stay or should I go? Timeline problems (very long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2269 posts
Buzzing bee

I would tell him, ” I understand money is an issue, but I don’t understand why your paintball gun and gear trumps me getting a ring. That’s not ok with me. If you choose to spend on that rather than on a modest ring for me, i’ll be very hurt. I’m losing patience.”

Personally, I would want the ring and would be fine with waiting for the wedding, but nobody wants to be girlfriend and boyfriend for too long. I have been with my SO for 8 1/2 years and will be getting a ring the next few months. If he decided to make me wait so he could blow money on a hobby, I’d be pretty pissed. However, I am fine with waiting for the wedding.

Post # 5
Member
42 posts
Newbee

I’m all about waiting until your Fiance is ready – but within reason. You two have been together long enough that he should be ready to make a committment to you. Have you tried explaining to him that it’s not about getting married right away, but knowing that he’s on the same page with you about where your relationship is headed is important to you? I can’t believe he is going to buy paintball equipment before your ring. To me, that would be a deal breaker. And, you seem to be maybe a little out of his league anyway based on your education. I would tell him to make a decision or I would find somebody who is willing to commit to you and treat you like you deserve to be treated!!

Post # 6
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Perhaps he’s waiting until you can also afford a wedding, rather than just a ring? A ring is a tiny fraction of the cost of getting married. If he can hardly afford a ring then definitely wait a few more years. He sounds like he is not wanting to rush in to anything which is very level headed of him. 

Post # 7
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@KellyLouise:  +1

 

Its good to wait a little for a financial stability to get married. I waited 2 years for my ring and I lost my patience. I was the one to tell him to set aside cash from every paycheck ( if he could spare it) to get the ring. And it worked. 

Post # 8
Member
9549 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would take money off the table. Tell him you don’t care about a ring but you really need to know if he is in this for real. You can get married for like $100. The only thing you really truly need is a marriage certificate. So call him on it. Ask him if this is what he wants, regardless of the money. If he says yes then you can proceed with figuring out how you actually want to do things. But if not, then at least you know.

Post # 9
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I wouldn’t waste my 23 – 27 years on a guy who wouldn’t commit after dating for 4 years and living together for 3.

Read the book “Marry Him.” It has a terrible title but will give you some good things to think about. If he truly is not interested in getting married sooner than 4 years, then I think I would have to move on. It just depends on what is most important to you.

Post # 10
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@FoundMrWright:  I think you need to put your foot down. If he can spend money on sporting equipment and will delay engagement for 2+ years because of that, you’re dealing w. a pretty immature fellow who clearly doesn’t understand how much you want to be married.

Just by reading your post it sounds like he’s the easygoing type who isn’t in a rush to marry… not necessarily one who isn’t ready to marry (since he sort of proposed and keeps saying he wants to marry you).

I think a soft kind of ultimatum might work… something to really get him thinking. Yeah you’re young, but you’ve been living together long enough! Tell him that what he told you really scares you and that you’re even more scared now because you’re considering leaving him. Tell him again you’re happy w. a $500-$800 ring and that you want a simple wedding.. you just want to be married. Hopefully this is the kick in the butt he needs.

If he wasn’t ready then I would not suggest doing this, but I think he’s ready but a bit naive thinking that he can put it off this long.

Post # 12
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

If he cant afford $500 for a ring…how are you going to pay for a wedding? Or other bills together?…believe me..they add up!  I dont know many guys at his age who down right want to get married. You have already been together for a while and he still isnt ready not to mention he is making you wait longer. It sounds all “cute”…like he isnt for real about any of this. 

Post # 13
Member
9115 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Do you need a ring to be engaged?

Why not just elope? Go down to the courthouse and do it? That way you get your “next step” and you guys can save towards a larger, more formal wedding.

Post # 14
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

You’re 23, can I ask what the rush is? I personally think (and it’s just my opinion) neither one of you are ready to get married. You’re still in school (or going back to school), both of you are in some debt and the one thing that sticks out for me is that you’d rather use the tax refund money to buy a ring, he wants to use the tax refund to buy a toy and neither one of you mentioned using that refund to pay the DEBT which is what mature, responsible adults would do.

You two are both virtual babies. You’re just getting to the point where you’re independent and unless you’ve got the money to pay for school, you’ll be accumulating even MORE debt. Debt isn’t something you want to go into a marriage with unless you’d be just fine being broke while you’re trying to work your way out of it – unless that is you make a baby and then the whole game changes (again).

It’s not time. For EITHER of you.

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