(Closed) Should I stay quiet?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3012 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@PrettySedity: I will always stand next to the “keeping quiet” opinion.  A man needs to time to think and plan things through.  I don’t think much can happen when being pressured.  He more than likely remembers everything you two discussed, including deadlines/time frames. It may not happen when you’d like it to, but it doesn’t mean it will never happen.  I’m sure he wants to surprise you and totally have fun with planning it on his own.

Patience is a virtue.

Post # 4
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I don’t mean to sound judgemental, but frankly I’m concerned because this post makes it sound like everything is supposed to revolve around you. You had some kind of bizarre intuition/wish about your wedding timeline and became emotionally attached to a specific date without being engaged or discussing with your SO, and now you’re upset that it didn’t happen that way? So basically everything’s supposed to conform to your unspoken wishes or else you get all upset? The poor guy has been struggling with unemployment and you want him to somehow come up with $$ for your ring and for this vacation? What about his finances? What about what’s best for him?

If you want to take this vacation with him, I think the honorable thing to do is to offer to pay his way. And as someone who also had to wait a bit longer than she would have ideally liked to be engaged b/c of her SO’s financial situation (now happily resolved), I would chill out with the deadline stuff. If you actually want to spend the rest of your life with this person, a few extra weeks/months should not be that big of a deal. If you have reason to believe that there are issues besides his finances holding him back, that’s a totally different question and deserves a seperate conversation. But frankly, the economy sucks right now and it’s affecting a lot of people’s lives in truly awful ways. Try to chill out and keep things in perspective. Focus less on this deadline of yours and more on your relationship and your SO’s best interests.

Post # 5
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

I know you want to say something, I really do because I want to say something to my guy EvERYDAY!! (I’ve been terrible about it recently By The Way and he got grouchy) I wouldn’t say something. Once a guy knows, he never forgets! I promise it’s on his mind in some way shape or form. I can’t tell what his attitude is regarding the situation, but it is on his mind, even if it’s just the back of his mind someday. Also, what will saying something accomplish? Nothing unfortunately. It will not give you assurance, it will not get him to do it etc. The only thing it could possibly do is make you feel better, but even with this intent mentioning it again can often backfire. Besides, there are other ways to feel better about the situation….like coming here!!  🙂 Hang in there.

Post # 7
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You don’t need a ring to get engaged. Stop putting so much emphasis on the ring because honestly, that seemed to be what most of the post was about. Maybe he doesn’t feel ready to be engaged if he’s not financially stable.

Post # 8
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@PrettySedity: Having now read some of your previous posts I can see both why you might be at the breaking point and why he would be dragging his feet. Hope it all works out for the best.

Post # 9
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

That’s frustrating. It really is. Especially since he doesn’t want you helping to pay for the ring. It’s frustrating knowing that a guy’s pride is so wrapped up in the ring in a negative way because it keeps your lives from moving forward. I’ve read it time and time again on this board and have even had my own guy turn down financai assistance from me. It took me a while for me to convince him of the merrit of alternative stones and convince him they aren’t just “fake” stones. It took me a while to get rid of the ideal he had in his head (thanks to his dumb exes) that a guy needs to spend 2 months of income, buy a 1 -1.5ct, quality ring or he’s “not a man.” We love them so much that we just want to be with them. But they can’t get over themselves long enough to accept that. It’s great if you want to buy that big 2ct diamond ring. I would like a porsche. Doesn’t mean I can afford it.

I think you’ve made the right choice by keeping quiet. Life happens. Plans stop being plans. But, for now, you can enjoy your vacation. I know your 4 yr was your deadline. If you love him and the relationship is good, I’d give it a little more time. You know your relationship best, you know if waiting is worth it. If after August you’re bursting at the seams, marriage hasn’t been mentioned, I’d feel free to sit him down for an honest conversation about how it’s making you feel. You could let him know again that if money is the only thing holding him up that you have no problem helping to purchase the ring. Put the ball in his court. Nicely that is. 🙂 Good luck! Sorry you’re having a blah day.

Post # 10
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think your “deadline” isn’t very in touch with the reality of the situation you guys are in financially. You should realize that your relationship is not just about you, and that there are more pressing financial needs for you guys right now! Cut the poor guy some slack! He is obviously very much in love with you and serious about getting engaged. Give him some more time to come up with the cash in a way that doesn’t interfere with your lives.

Also, a deadline without an open line of communication with him about where your boundaries are regarding a timeline is pretty pointless. Relationships are about communication, not about expecting him to read your mind to propose in a predetermined timeline you have not disclosed.

Post # 11
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Contrary to @crayfish:‘s statement, I feel like plenty of “slack” has been cut already.  Just my opinion.

But I am glad that you decided to not say anything.. as many others have stated, it’s usually for the best.  Hang in there, girl.. it’s coming soon!  Congrats on the graduation!!  I’m proud of you!  Still working on my own.  :o)

Post # 12
Member
40 posts
Newbee

Make it crystal clear that you understand if he can’t afford the trip. However, if he’s unaware that he’s so short on time, I highly doubt he will choose not to go. I think if you say anything else beyond that, it will come across as kind of controlling, like you’re telling him not to go because he should be spending that money on YOU. I totally understand where you’re coming from, but I think HE will perceive it that way. 

If he wants to propose, he will find a way to make it happen. 

Post # 14
Member
40 posts
Newbee

In that case, there’s really nothing else to say. I don’t necessarily think it will happen by your anniversary, but I think there’s a good chance he’ll propose in the near future. 

Post # 15
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@PrettySedity: Yeah, and you can get a ring that doesn’t cost $1200. My first ring cost $130. If he can’t afford it, he can’t afford it, tradition or not.

Post # 16
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I dont mean to sound bitchy but you NEED to calm down…. I know you’ve been waiting forever but seriously – you are going to ruin the experiance for yourself… I know – I did it too…

Its great, I love being engaged… but nagging Fiance into the deal made him rush and it was NOT a romantic moment that I can share with anyone else… and it makes me sad…

dont do that to yourself!

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