Post # 1
my and my fiancé have not been together very long onmy since August 2011however we decided to have a child after only 3 months of dating (we were friends of friends first and went out occasionally on nights out) we got on so well when we first met he was romantic constantly buying me roses sent a rose to my office. Always buying me gifts. He proposed while we were trying to get pregnant in the December 2011. He lit the room with candles bags and played a romantic song and got on one knee he never had a lot of money so I guess when i announced my pregnancy all this romance stopped. He said he hasnt got the money. Our first child came along in September 2012 he is now nearly 8 months old. anyway the reason for this post is because I would like some opinions whether I am being silly in my situation. I don’t think I am happy in this engagement he is so miserable it’s unreal. When he is in a good mood (which isn’t often) he is lovely. He is mostly in a good mood when he first comes in from work happy to see me and our son and is lovely. After an hour or so he will be short ignore me just generally rude to me. He never seems to want to come to bed and watch his programmes which he says he never gets to watch cos I watch mine all evening (which I suppose is true) I have spoken to him about his moodiness he puts it down to tiredness although he changes his excuse all the time. Last year it was because he hasn’t got much money. He has a very shitty job which doesn’t bring hardly anything in although he is very generous and would give me and our son anything when he has the money(which isn’t often) I pay for most things! Weekends are the worst if I say lets go somewhere he can’t be bothered and then when we row he will be like I was only joking but he isn’t joking he makes out seriously he doesn’t want to go but after hours of arguing decide he wants to come he does it every weekend! Makes an issue before we go somewhere. On my first Mother’s Day he made no effort at all spent £10 on me and said that is all he has. Fair enough he doesn’t have much money but u would think he would make it up by romantic gestures. He didn’t even get up in the morning to give me a ‘mothers day’ break! We ended up arguing and he smashed the one present he did get for me which made me cry :-(. Don’t get me started on valentines never goes well.. When we row he calls me names like f’ing idiot. Occasionally bitch things like that. He is so miserable we never have a laugh and I have a really good sense of humour. I hope is misrableness isn’t wearing off on me because I don’t feel I’m the same person as in having a good old laugh. Or maybe I am mistaking this with the stresses of just having a first child teething weaning etc. I am not sure…
On the plus side he is excellent with our son puts him to sleep most evenings does anything he can when he is home he is very helpful around the house. When he is in a good mood treats me like a princess. He would get me anything if I asked him. He cooks most evenings he loves to cook. He is not controlling in any way he lets me do anything i want to do wear anything i want to wear. He always puts me and our son first and thinks the world of us. I actually don’t know what I would do without him with these traits but all the negatives I mentioned above really make my blood boil and make me so angry!! He hurts my feelings with nasty things he says he can be very hurtful!
I just don’t what I feel really. Our son is amazing and he loves us both so much.
I am writing this post because I don’t know if I’m being silly in being unhappy or not and as my dad didn’t really have anything to do with me since I was 12 I’m not sure of I am expecting too much from a man.
Would love to hear comments and opinions .
Post # 3
you are not expecting too much from him. No one, especially your Fiance, should be calling you a F’ing idiot or a bitch. Ever.
Have you tried talking to him? Not in the middle of an arguement, but on one of his good days, about what is wrong?
I would also seriously recommend some kind of counseling before you go through with a wedding. Both as a couple and possibly individually for yourself.
Post # 4
Honey, if he’s cursing at you and smashing things during arguments, you need to leave and take your baby with you. Like, now.
How about crashing at a friend’s until you can find somewhere?
Post # 5
hi there, smashing things in arguments/ rage is not healthy for you or your child.
why dont you post on mumsnet relationships board/ forum?
im so sorry for your, its horrible when a relationship doesnt turn out like you had hoped.
an excellent father wouldn’t make the mom feel like rubbish.
take a long hard look at your relationship – are you miserable more than happy?
i second the advice to have counselling of some form before you get married.
hope you’re ok.
Post # 6
@Littlemissgiggles2013: You tried to get pregnant after knowing this guy for 3 months? wow. ok. Well the first part of your story is typical IMO of most guys in committed relationships. At first its romance all the time and then when they get comfortable they dont put forth the effort much more unless they are a hopeless romantic or have been trained to do so! My Fiance was sweet to me as well, flowers, surprises, sweetness. Now nothing. But it doesnt bother me cause it just means hes comfortable with me and our relationship. We have been together for 5 years now and he has never been so angry that he called me a bitch. I think most men know that is one word a woman never wants to be called and will steer away from that. As for how he is acting now, it might be that he is stressed that he is in a crappy job, or that he rushed yalls relationship to have a kid so soon and now he wishes he didnt but doesnt know how to express his feelings. He is a good dad, which is good, but if you are going to stay in that relationship he needs to step it up and become a good husband. I assume you live together and split everything. Do you work? You said you paid for most everything. Maybe you can sit down together and discuss his options of work. Try for a promotion or look for another job that pays a little more. Money IMO is the #1 reason for divorce. Its a touchy subject. A lot of people find it very personal, and when there is a lack of it, it is nothing but stressful. I honestly think yall need to have a serious conversation. You obviously are hurt by him, he is struggling and it is having a bad effect on your relationship and if it is not affecting your child right now, it will sooner or later.
Post # 7
Can I ask how old both of you are? You seemed to have gotten very serious and committed very quickly. Most couples go through an infactuation and honeymoon period during the first year. This time is when you get to laugh, get to know each other and keep things easy and fun. You guys made some very serious decisions very early in your relationship and it seems like your both struggling to fit into your new family life. Maybe because you have an 8 mnth old which is wonderful but exhausting, maybe because he’s stressed out about money and is worried he can’t provide and maybe because you don’t know each other well enough to understand what the other needs when they are in a mood, struggling or overwhelmed.
You didn’t once mention that you loved him. Do you? If you don’t, then maybe you need to take a step back. If you do then you need to concentrate on improving your communication. Ask him about his day, listen to him vent about work, encourage him, tell him you’re grateful that he works so hard. If he wants a different job, tell him you’ll help him find one, encourage him to do something that fulfills him. at the core of a good relationship is a strong friendship (which takes time to build). You need to support him, comfort him, love him and show him undertanding. He needs to do the same for you. Use ‘I’ statements like ”I feel like there is a distance growing between us and I’d like for us to close it’ ‘I feel belittled when you use certain language when we’re angry and it puts up a wall between us. Could we talk about ways we can try to hear each other better when we have a disagreement?’ ‘I feel like I need more physical closeness with you but I also want to give you your space when you need to wind down from a long day. Can you tell me what you need from me and let’s see if we can meet both of our needs.’
It seems like he is a good father but needs to learn how to be a better partner. For your son’s sake, I think it’s worth it to try to bridge the gap between you.
Post # 8
@Littlemissgiggles2013: “Deciding” to have a baby 3 months into a relationship was a huge step that seems to have done some serious damage. He sounds violent, and uninterested in providing for your family. If you are only staying because of your son, leave. It sounds like you’ll be better off, and your son will be just fine.
Post # 9
I’m having a hard time understanding why you decided to have a child with a man who isn’t financially stable three months into casually knowing each other? You also referred to your son as your (the two of you) first child together. Do you plan on having more even though he is behaving like this? There seems to be a lot of bad judgment here.You’re no longer thinking for yourself as you have a baby now. Focus more on you, your son, and making positive decisions for the both of you. This man doesn’t sound like one of them.
Post # 10
Okay I have to ask…how old are you? Are you working?
Post # 11
Three months was WAY too soon to make such a huge decision to have a baby together. You need time to REALLY get to know someone, to decide if they are someone you want in your life forever, because having a baby with someone binds you to them in some form or another (not to say you are ‘stuck’ – you’re never stuck, just that you will have to deal with that person forever). You really needed that time to determine whether he was worthy of being in both your lives forever – kids don’t get to choose their parents, so you want to be sure that you’re giving the best possible parent to a child. He sounds like he is very attentive to his son, which is good. But the way he treats you is not. It definitely sounds like the negatives far outweigh the positives – you say yourself that he isn’t often in a good mood, and smashes things – and he does this to hurt and frighten you. I’d be concerned that when that no longer has the desired effect, he may move on to hurting you physically. I could be wrong, but it is a concern. In most relationships, they start out with romantic gestures like flowers and chocolates. Finances can be a concern, so if he is so broke then it’s not reasonable for him to spend that money on those things, but leaving a sweet note etc costs nothing. I am more concerned by his anger, the way he talks to you, his lack of financial stability, and his temper moreso than his lack of romantic gestures. Flowers would not make any of how he makes you feel okay. Your son will get to an age where he is aware of what’s going on, and you have to decide whether you will be okay for him to hear how his dad talks to his mum. Not being with him doesn’t mean that he won’t have a dad, and unless there is real, substantiated concerns for your son’s welfare, you shouldn’t deny his father the right to be part of his life.
Post # 12
- Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa
I agree with PP that this isn’t a healthy situation for you or for your son.
How long has his moodiness been going on? If it has just been a couple of months, try to understand and work with him. Men feel that they need to be the breadwinner in the family, and when that isn’t the case, they can sometimes become depressed, even to the point of not wanting to leave the house.
I would try couples counseling and see how that goes.