Post # 1
This isn’t a romantic relationship question, but this community has given me good advice before so I wanted to post here anyway.
One of my best friends moved to New York 3 months ago (I’m in Ohio). I thought it would be a good idea to try and schedule weekly or monthly phone calls to better keep in touch because texting just doesn’t cut it for real conversations. I was always the one to call her, but she seemed happy to talk. However, she’s been avoiding my requests to talk for the last month and a half. Over the weekend she started texting me about this guy she went on a date with and I said, ‘hey if you’re home, let’s talk about this on the phone’ and she said ‘no I have to buy dog food’. Which was the latest excuse in a long list so I finally asked her what was up. She said she’s too busy to keep in touch with me, her job is more important, and that the more I push to talk to her the more she will pull away. She said she’s too independent of a person to have scheduled phone calls with me and that “friends drift apart when one moves away, sadly”.
I was really hurt by this because I thought we were the kind of friends who would want to keep in touch no matter what. But, it seems she doesn’t miss me and has other priorities. Anyway, the point of all this** is I have plane tickets booked to visit her for NYE. I booked them months ago. She told me I should still come visit, but I feel super awkward about it now. I’m not sure she really wants me there. Maybe she’s just too polite to tell me to cancel. So, at this point I’m still going, but I’m questioning that decision. Should I still visit her for New Year’s Eve?
Post # 2
I think if the tickets are nonrefundable, you should visit New York with a new friend or just enjoy it on your own and not visit this girl.
She’s outright TELLING you that she doesn’t want to be friends anymore and is basically calling you immature for wanting to keep it alive. Why in the world would you want to keep a friendship after that?
Now that she has moved to New York, she’s looking down on you by basically telling you that her new lifestyle, career, and independence are way too important and she’s an “adult” now that needs “adult” friendships with other fellow likeminded “adults” in her new exciting city that fits the new her.
Listen, I’m a New Yorker since childhood, and I’ve seen how the movies show the city as this exciting new place where young adults go to forget their smalltown lives and start fresh as independent career-driven women who are too busy and important to care about the “little people” of their past.
Your “friend” needs to get her head out of fantasyland and stop watching movies. But unfortunately, she’s rude enough to say such direct things to you.
You need to find new friends who don’t have their heads stuck up their asses.
Take those tickets and give them to family or enjoy New Years with a new beginning.
Post # 3
See if the tickets are refundable. I once got airline credit for non-refundable tickets.
Post # 4
There is no way I would visit this chic. She does not want to be friends anymore. I would see if I could get my money back, otherwise I would just go and have a fab time in the big apple. I wouldn’t even call her to meet for lunch.
Post # 5
If the tickets are refundable then get your money back.
If the tickets aren’t refundable go to New York and have a fabulous time without her.
Post # 6
If the tickets aren’t refundable, go to NY, but don’t stay with her, and plan to only meet up with her IF you want for a coffee or lunch. Plan out other things to do on your own that you would enjoy: tourist attractions, parks, museums, etc.
Post # 7
she doesn’t seem like she doesn’t like you or want to be friends, but she is definitely less invested in the friendship than you are. i’m all about meeting people where they are at, so if you are comfortable with a more casual friendship i say try that. go check out new york and have a good time. if you feel like getting a coffee with her, go ahead, but you wont run into her unless you want to. 🙂
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2017 - State Park
I get her perspective. Like you actually have appointments to talk to each other? That’s not friendship. Sometimes being a good friend is about giving each other space. She needs to have room to grow and take care of a now very different life. And maybe, just maybe, she really is that busy.
My Best Friend of 25 years lives 6 hours away and recently finished medical school. Do you know how much we talked her first few years after moving? A text a month MAYBE and we’d see each other a couple times a year. When we saw each other we spent HOURS catching up and having a great time together. But our lives made it nearly impossible to do much more than that. Life has quieted down for both of us and we see each other with more regularity and talk much more often. But it’s still not more than 4 times a year we Actually Talk on the phone. She is still, without hesitation, my best friend. How many quarter century friends do we get? I don’t measure the quality of my friendships based on the frequency of interactions. Just the quality of the actual interactions when they happen, and ya know, who I can count on for a kidney if I need one.
I have another friend who lives on the opposite coast. Same thing. We text once in a while. Once a year or every other year she’ll come visit me and I’ll go visit her. We’re still friends. We just don’t talk constantly.
Friendships change. Especially as the result of significant life changes. You’re putting too much pressure on her and not giving her the space she’s asking for. If you keep insisting on talking to her it’s going to be weird and you’re going to lose a friend. If you’re cool about it and give her space, she’ll be excited to see you and have you meet her new friends and whatever else for NYE and any other time one of you visits the other.
Judge based on your visit and how she treats you then. Not based on how regularly she can/wants to chat.
Post # 9
did she invite you to visit? How long is your visit?
What does she do, where does she live? Is she wealthy and has her own palace, or does she have roommates and her room may be a living room with a room divider, and she has to work a lot to pay for it?
Did you buy your tickets before she moved? People often day, yes, come visit. But 3 months isn’t that long for her to have adjusted.
Post # 10
<No way on earth l’d go if l had had that brush off, too much pride. I’d do as pps suggest, get a refund if poss, or a credit if that’s poss. Or see if someone else would go with you. Or, failing all that, go alone. That might be bit of a lonely NYE tho? I wouldn’t have coffee or lunch or anything with her if I did go and l certainly would’t stay with her. Too much like crumbs from her big- city table.
Post # 11
I would resist the pressure and perceived burden of “scheduled” phone calls, too. No one wants to feel that friendship is a chore or a burden. My take is she tried to hint to you about this and you didn’t pick up the cues, so she outright told you.
I doubt I’d still be comfortable going. You could tell her that you’ve taken her advice and will be giving her some space.
Post # 12
I wouldn’t take scheduled phone calls that personally. I have friends with different work schedule, kids….. Sometimes you have to schedule. Actually I’m flattered when someone would Schedule to talk to me on their calendar. Sometimes after a long work day, commute where the subway is awful…. I’m not in the mood to chat.
It doesn’t mean I don’t like you. Read the comment section to see many different pov.
Post # 13
You know how often I have talked to my BEST friend over the phone since I moved away five years ago? Twice. The night each of her children were born. However, we text every single day.
My other friends? All together I’ve talked to them on the phone only a handful of times. I only text some of them a couple times a month but when we do see each other (once or twice a year) it’s like we were never apart.
My point is, everyone is comfortable with a different level of friendship. Does she still text you back? Do you not like texting?
If you’re feeling unsure about the visit, go and stay elsewhere. Reach out to grab dinner or coffee a couple times and go from there. If she can’t take the time to meet up with you, I think it will be pretty clear where your friendship stands.
Post # 14
She does well and has her own place. We made the plans right before she moved while things were still easy. Maybe it is too soon to visit.
Post # 15
When I moved far away from my friends, I was the one who put extra effort into keeping in contact. And the ones who can’t handle a long distance friendship faded away anyway. My gals still pretend they care sometimes (and I’ve stopped bothering since they make no effort to show it). Your friend has flat-out told you she can’t be bothered. No way should you waste your time visiting her while she judges you for your life choices. Take a friend along and have a good time. Transfer the tickets elsewhere. Get a refund if possible. Keep dignity intact.