(Closed) should i take him back? ADVICE NEEDED ASAP lol

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you think we should fight

    are you NUTS! don't do it

    give him another shot, and make him work for it

  • Post # 2
    Member
    153 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    He’s left you for her three times? I’d pass on him, sorry. You want someone who will choose you regardless. I get that he wants to be in his son’s life, but catering to her crazy demands was never the right way to go about it. He should have known that, or at least he should have learned it after the first time. And wouldn’t it be nice not to be caught up in their drama all the time? Just my two cents. I’m sorry, I know it’s hard to let go of some people.

    Post # 3
    Member
    6929 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    This has happened THREE TIMES already and you’re thinking of giving him a chance to do it a 4th time?!?!

    NO. WAY.

    Time to move on. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    5020 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2017

    You tagged your thread with “cheater” but from what you have shared, no one had cheated.  Am I correct?  Your on again off again guy sounds really unstable, unsure of how to appropriately co-parent, unsure of how to set boundaries and also unsure of what he wants. Personally I need security so I would not be involved with someone who does not have their life together to a certain degree.  If you consider re-entering a relationship with him it sounds like the chances are good you will experience more drama and heartache.  

    Post # 5
    Member
    4920 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    View original reply
    lolarose1 :  yeah I’m sure you where an amazing girlfriend…. You kept taking him back when he got sick of his other girlfriend.

    Seriously don’t take him back again…hes not worth it.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2251 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

    This is a mess that can’t be unmessed. I don’t care how “connected” to him you feel, this dynamic in INCREDIBLY unhealthy. Drugs make you feel connected to the universe, but if you abuse them, they ruin your life. This strayed into abuse long ago. 

    You need to cut your losses and move on. 

    ETA: You can’t let go because you clearly haven’t closed the door in your own mind. You need to decide once and for all you deserve better. Then, get yourself into some kind of therapy. Some part of you clearly believes this situation is acceptable, and it shouldn’t be. Get to the bottom of what’s going on that lets you think so, and you’ll find it much easier to move on.

    Post # 8
    Member
    937 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2018

    Post # 9
    Member
    2222 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    View original reply
    lolarose1 :  you deserve better and he’s had three chances to get it right. So maybe this time it’s clicked for him but you know what? Now it’s too little, too late. Your mind is still stuck on him because you’re still getting over him and that’s ok but you need to be strong and realise you deserve more than he can ever give you.

    Post # 10
    Member
    4199 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

    View original reply
    lolarose1 :  This guy has not been loyal to you when you stuck by him regardless of how messy things got. He has shown you who he is… a fairweather boyfriend who will take the easy road out even if it completely destroys your heart… How many more times does he have to show you this before you believe him?

    Post # 11
    Member
    134 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    I think you both need to grow up and move on. This whole situation reminds me of that Taylor Swift song: “Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday but I realized some bigger dreams of mine. And Abagail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind. And we both cried.”

    Such is life.

     

    Post # 12
    Member
    2331 posts
    Buzzing bee

    You can’t let go because you have likely have low self-esteem and see his rejection of you as “proof” you are unworthy of real love. You think that if he finally chooses you, that will be your proof that you ARE worthy.

    I’m not saying this in a judgmental way. I used to be this way. Millions of people operate this way. Only it’s incredibly unhealthy, and it makes you cling to toxic relationships.

    You’ve become addicted to the longing sensation you get when he leaves, and the “I’m loved!” high you get for a while once he comes back. Y’all are doing a push-pull dynamic – you’re both just using each other for ego boosts. 

    One reason I think this is the case is how you emphasize how great you are to him. Never once do you mention how he is with you when y’all are together. This tells me that he has you on the defensive. You bend over backwards to do what he wants you to do to gain his acceptance and “love.” All the while forgetting to look at HIM and see what HE is bringing to the table, making sure HE can meet YOUR needs. Are you aware you’re an equal partner in relationships? That you need to be setting boundaries and standards and expectations that your partners need to respect and meet?

    I don’t think it matters WHY he left you. He left you. THREE times. 

    Were he a mature man who knows how to have control over his environment and life (something you DEF want in a partner,) he would have lawyered up from the first. Instead of letting an unhinged person dictate the way he lives his life. 

    You really want to tie yourself to a person who lets others dictate his life? Who doesn’t know how to rise above a situation and instead capitulates and takes the easiest path?

    I think you have this idea in your mind that it’s “noble” how he went back for his son. It was not noble. It was weak and dumb. All he’s done is contribute to the instability in that poor child’s life.

    A noble man, instead of putting himself first, would be thinking about what’s best for the child. He would be getting his life in order and trying to either responsibly co-parent, or trying to get full custody if the Bridesmaid or Best Man is so terrible.

    I think you should leave the entire situation in your past, work on bettering yourself, and then try again with a guy 10X’s better than this – because that won’t be hard to find.

    Post # 13
    Member
    733 posts
    Busy bee

    I do understand how you are feeling. I finally ended it with the man I at one time thought I was totally bonded to and would be with me forever. Then he started this back and forth nonsense your boyfriend is doing. If he broke up with you over this woman he’ll do it again.

    A guy friend of mine told me that if a guy really felt you were the one and worth it he wouldn’t leave you. simple, but true. I finally got the courage to let my then fiance go, and it was hard! Met my now husband  few years down the road and my ex does not hold a candle to my husband. Even on the days where my husband has me so mad I want to ship box him up and ship him away, it’s still better than with my ex. Stop wasting your time, you can find someone else. Cut the cord, don’t let him come back. Join clubs, go pursure your interest and someone else will come along. Get rid of the pain and stick by it!

    Post # 14
    Member
    10487 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    Girl, you’re kidding yourself.

    They never wise up and realize how great you are, never.

    Post # 15
    Member
    285 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    slomotion :  true story! Been there and done that and lived to tell the tale lol.

    you can do it OP cut the cord finally and let that man go! This is not a healthy situation and you deserve better.

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