(Closed) Should I take him back?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Thoughts?
    Take him back : (5 votes)
    83 %
    Don't take him back : (1 votes)
    17 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3574 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I think you need to put this into perspective.  He flirted with a woman at work.  He then quit his job and sought counseling.  People can make mistakes and be genuinely sorry for them.  If you are never going to be able to forgive him, you should not take him back.  It seems like your expectations are super high, and he doesn’t deserve to have this held over his head forever.  He cannot change what happened, only his behavior in the future.  Either you forgive him 100% and leave the past behind, and if you cannot, for his sake you should stay apart.

    Post # 4
    Member
    6134 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    My fiance should not give any woman attention but me.

    Do you honestly expect your FI to not engage (appropriately) with other women? That’s a little unreasonable.

    I agree your FI should not have engaged in flirtatious behavior with a woman who was obviously attracted to him. But he stopped talking to her, quit his job, and went to couseling. IMO, that is above and beyond than most people would go. Either forgive him or move on.

    Post # 5
    Member
    3887 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I’m having  a hard time seeing where the betrayal is.  It’s a platonic relationship by your own admission; he’s made it clear, not just to her but everyone in his former workplace that he’s happily committed.  It’s normal and healthy for people of both genders to have platonic, emotional relationships with members of the opposite sex. 

    My fiance should not give any woman attention but me.  I’m sorry, but this isn’t true.  Your fiance can and should have friend, and he should give them emotional support and attention.  When you form a couple, you shouldn’t form an island, or restrict yourselves to only letting those of the same gender onto your island.  Insisting that your partner isolate themselves from pretty much half the population is controlling behavior and not healthy.

    Each couple has to set their own standards as to what constitutes cheating and betrayal, and I see where you two may not have been on the same page regarding flirting, and it sounds like he has done the right things to try to make that right with you. But it also sounds like, in many ways, you’ve instigated a lot of this problem, by confronting her, as it sounds like that was not handled right at all.

    I think you really need to take a step back and figure out some realistic, healthy boundaries, and figure out how to better handle conflict in your relationship.  I truly don’t think your fiance is fully to blame here.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1475 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    @cocomo I understand how betrayed you feel. What he did was absolutely dead wrong, no doubt about it. It is very difficult to forgive and forget and rebuild trust when something like this happens.

    More importantly it takes time for you to get over it and some people need more time than others.  So there is really nothing wrong with what you are feeling.

    The good news is that he is remorseful and is doing everything in his power to fix this and his issues for you and the relationship and that is commendable.

    @futuremrsmp I agree with most of this. You may not forgive him right away but in order for your relationship to work and move forward at some point you will have to forgive him AND put this past you and never bring it up or try to make him pay for what he did. No one is perfect, we are all human, we all make mistakes and bad judgement calls, and I do believe that people can change and deserve a second chance to prove themselves (not repeat offenders obviously!).

    Maybe you should speak to a counsellor/therapist yourself to help you come to terms with everything and sort out your feelings. Trust is hard to rebuild once broken, but it is possible if both persons put in the time and effort needed.

    If you will never be able to forgive and get past this, then you shouln’t marry him. 

    ETA: @fishbone I agree with the bounderies, I don’t think they were on the same page and that’s why OP feels this way. Definitely important to be on the same page with expectations.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2379 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    It’s an emotional affair, which is cheating.  It doesn’t have to be physical.  To be perfectly honest, I could potentially think of forgiving my fiance if he slept with someone else, and it was just a physical thing.  If it was an emotional affair, I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that his shit would be outside, on the lawn and on fire. 

    Should you take him back?  I don’t know, but I don’t think I could.  3+ years of an emotional affair is just so much to carry.  The fact that she referred to YOU as the homewrecker would indicate that she had reason to believe that he was going to be with her instead of you.  If you don’t think you can truly forgive him, that’s not fair to either of you to stay in the relationship.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1852 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    Yes, he made a mistake by flirting with someone else. However, I don’t think you’re ready to take him back. You’re using what he did as eternal ammunition against him. If you want to get back together ever, you may need to talk to someone about those feeling you’ve pent up. It seems like he’s gone absolutely above and beyond what most “cheaters” do to “make up” for his discretion.

    Post # 12
    Member
    405 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @fishbone:  +1.

    Either you forgive him, or you don’t. If you don’t want to/think you ever will forgive him you need to call off the wedding b/c you can’t spend the rest of your life holding this over him.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1460 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

    I genuinely think that he’s trying to take the right steps to make this okay. you need to have a long hard think about whether you personally will be able to a) move past this and forgive him b) genuinely believe that this won’t be done to you again. If you realise that can’t forgive or whatever then you need to leave, and that’s not wrong, there are no right answers because its how you feel and it wouldn’t be fair for either of you if this issue stagnated within your relationship. Would some personal or even couples therapy be an option?

     

    I totally get it, I recently have been dealing with something similar (no where near as bad as what you are going through). There was a while where I wasn’t sure if I could get over it but I am trying and it’s easier because I genuinely believe it won’t happen again (though some of the innocence of the relationship is gone). The person I sought council from told me that he would normally advise me to get the hell out of there but in this case he wouldn’t because I have the potential for a really great and lasting relationship and that my boyfriend really does love me with all his heart (in spite of what happened).

     

    Hopefully I havnt rambled too much, hope you feel better soon x

    Post # 14
    Member
    748 posts
    Busy bee

    @MariContrary:  I agree with all this.

    Emotional cheating, in my book, is far worse than physical.  There are no boundaries with emotions, and they can too easily be denied.  Ultimately I don’t think I could trust him again – especially since it was going on for 3 years.  That’s just too, too much.  

    “He spanked her at the office”?  Whaaaat?  How did you even find that out?  If DH did that I would be floored.  Then I would probably kick his ass out.  

    I don’t care how nice he is to the women in your life or how much he adores your family – if he is swatting other women and letting them chase him around (and ENJOYING the chase), then by all means don’t let door hit his ass on the way out.  

    It’s about respect – which I don’t think I could count on from him anymore.  

    Post # 15
    Member
    6134 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Ok so per your update, him “spanking” her is definitely not ok. The part about him telling her she’s pretty is a little hard to judge. Maybe she was feeling really down about herself and he said it to simply cheer her up. You did say he was a very sweet man. Obviously we don’t like to hear our guys say other woman are pretty, but the fact is, they do find other woman attractive, just as we find other men attractive. It doesn’t mean we are all going to run around and cheat on each other.

    I think that he has proven to you that he is sorry and is willing to make it up to you. However, none of that will matter if you honestly feel you gain never trust him again :

    Post # 16
    Member
    11284 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @cocomo:  what he did was not right but he has done everything to correct it.  that to me shows remorse and the willingness to do whatever it takes to make things right.

    for you, the trust has been broken.  justifiably so.  we all know that trust is not easily mended or regained.  he is taking the proper steps so perhaps you should too.  speak with someone to help you through this.  sometimes this will help and sometimes it just takes time. 

    to move forward, what you need to do is accept that this occurred (it happened, there’s nothing you can do to change that).  accept the fact that he is doing everthing to fix it.  the forgiveness will not come until you accept it.  trust will not come until you forgive.

    if you don’t feel that you can accomplish these steps, i would consider postponing the wedding until you feel the trust again.  it will take time.

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