(Closed) Should I talk to FMIL about this?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
3303 posts
Sugar bee

Go ahead and address your concerns… But I hope her family has enough common sense that infuriating remarks about sexuality and ethnic groups are not to be said at a wedding.

Post # 4
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Hummm, I was thinking how I would take that if someone told me in any way to try and talk to my side of the family about offensive words. My reaction was HOLLY MISS AMERICA lady do you think of us as apes that also can’t stop ourselves from playing with our privates parts at events. LOL HAHA  Jokes!

I think saying anything will be offensive even in a nice way.  Even the reddest necks in my family dress up nicely and have show class at an event it is required.  Besides if you Bridesmaid or Best Man are drunk to the point he can’t control his responds to ignorance then maybe have another Bridesmaid or Best Man keep and eye on him or he shouldn’t drink as much at your wedding.

Post # 5
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Otulyssa:  I agree with this. There was one person I was worried about at my wedding, and he totally stepped up to the plate & was a total gentleman at my wedding. I think most people know to keep their traps shut at weddings 🙂 If they were to say something, it would probably be after a few too many drinks, so saying something in advance probably wouldn’t affect that outcome too much.

Post # 8
13012 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you just have to keep quiet and hope for the best.  Saying anything may come across offensive to her or her family.  Hopefully your Groomsmen can just brush it off, and hopefully the family will also keep it in check, since it is, after all, a wedding. 

Post # 9
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think if you’re going to say anything, it needs to be done in person and the talk needs to be with those likely to misbehave. I think it’s unfair to put Future Mother-In-Law in the middle of someone else’s lack of social skills, and I think it would also have too much potential to be taken the wrong way.  If you approach Cousin Zeke and gently remind him that “we will have people of all different backgrounds, and lots of little kids around, so we’re asking folks to please keep conversations clean and un-controversial” it will go over a lot better than having Mom sort it out.

Post # 10
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly I’m kind of in the same situation. My extended family and my fiance’s family and some of our college friends are not very accepting of other races and homosexuals, yet one of my really good friends and his boyfriend will be there and I know of a few people who’s dates are of different races. To jsut keep things in perspective I have forewarned my mom and some friends that yes there will be a gay couple and yes there will be other races there and that they should just keep themselves in check. No one so far has taken any offense to this and I think ,y parents appreciated the forwarning so they don’t get surprised and that they can watch for any bad bahavior from everyone.

Post # 11
1813 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@lunathea:  I probably wouldn’t write it in an email, because sometimes written words (especially the typed kind) can be interpreted in a different way.  I would probably call her, or pop round hers for a coffee and gently voice your concerns.

Post # 12
1866 posts
Buzzing bee

OP – so, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with addressing your concerns to your Future Mother-In-Law…..HOWEVER, I don’t see what she is going to be able to do about it, you know?  I mean, if these people are racist and prejudice, then I doubt that anyone is going to make them change their minds.  And even if they do promise to behave themselves and not say anything that might offend someone, who knows what’s going to happen when people stop drinking?

I definitely somewhat understand your concerns (I am a racial minority and I was adopted, and a ton of my extended relatives are actually on the close minded side) but I think the main thing to understand is that you cannot control people’s actions.  So it may be futile to even bring it up to your Future Mother-In-Law.

Post # 13
40 posts
  • Wedding: September 2012

It might be hard to even say something to his mom about this. I’m sure she knows her family and it’s members don’t always have filters, but she might have the issue with trying to speak to the other members this would affect. SO it puts her in a tight spot with them and you too.

My sister is gay, as is my Fiance step-sister (she will be bringing her little guy whom she had with another girl and the new girlfriend). I know there are a few people who don’t approve of this type of thing, so instead of asking them to filter it for the night I just informed my sister and step sister-in-law who might say something negative about it so they can aviod them if they choose. Although if we don’t tell others about their personal life they may never notice.

I would say you should speak with the bm this will affect and give a heads up about the family so they know what to expect. This may not be easy, but I’m sure they will be happy to know ahead of time that this can come up so they can make it easier to deal with the day of (like walk away, change subject or think of something funny to say during the conversation instead).

Post # 14
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

A friend of mine approached me about something like this and I can’t say I had a very good answer for her either. Her Fiance is from a pretty ignorant group (thankfully he’s gotten away from that) and she was really concerned because they use pretty nasty derrogotary statements about minorities and homosexuals in their everyday speak. I’m a racial minority as are a few other guests and her uncle is gay and coming with his husband.

The best I had for her, I’m giving you – the people there have likely experienced some sort of discrimination and prejudice before and each have their own way of handling it. I appreciate the fore-warning but TBH, what can you do? If I’m truly targeted or feel uncomfortable, it isn’t her fault and I’ll congratulate them and leave.

Trust me, it will be ok; at the very worst they’re making a bad impression on themselves – not you.

Post # 15
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Are you close with his Mom? Do you see her often? I think a casual mention through face to face conversation would be a MUCH better approach than emailing or even phone.

Anything else may seem like an agenda, or that you have spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about this (which you probably have, rightfully so, but people can take that the wrong way). Guiding a conversation (gently) to the subject and then asking her how she thinks some of the guests would react to the gay Groomsmen or the darker skin relatives would be much kinder to her, and then her answer would indicate if you need to pursue the convo further or you can leave it to her to try to manage with her family.



Post # 16
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@lunathea:  Wait a second!  I was totally on-board with you until you said this: “I hate the fact that he has to censor himself and feels like his can’t let it show that the guy next to him is his bf”.

Are you asking your Groomsmen to pretend that his boyfriend is not his boyfriend at your wedding in order to make rednecks feel more comfortable or to ensure that they won’t say anything?  If you are (and I’m sorry if I misunderstand), that is not cool.  If HE feels that way, you should tell him to just be who he is.  To hell with morons.  

I was worried about my DH’s family and/or my aunt(who aren’t rednecks, but aren’t very…well-travelled, let’s say) having something to say about my openly gay friends.  As far as I know, they behaved themselves.  I would NEVER ask my friends to be anything other than who they are in order to save themselves from ignorant fools and comments.  I told my Darling Husband that if anyone made our friends uncomfortable, they’d be asked to leave.

I think that it’s fine to talk to your Future Mother-In-Law about your concerns, to be honest, but she’s not responsible for her family’s behaviour.  She might know what you can to try to mitigate issues, but I don’t blame your Groomsmen for standing up for himself (booze or not) and if people really want to bring these issues to a wedding, they will and there’s not much you can do about it.  Just come up with a plan on how YOU will handle it if something is said or done then, try to do your best to not worry.  You can’t control other people.

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