Should I tell?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
10951 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Mrs.MilitaryBee :  Completely false.  Women married to abusive men are often in deep, deep denial.  Just do some reading right here on the board about violent men and the women who can’t believe their men are truly dangerous.

And, women in abusive relationships are in a lot of pain.  Seeking comfort in the arms of another man is not hard to understand.  Men and women generally cheat for different reasons.  Men can compartamentalize more easily, sex can be fun for it’s own sake.  Illicit sex is especially fun and exciting.  When women cheat, it’s more likely for emotional reasons.

Telling a totally strange man that his wife has been cheating on him is quite risky.

Post # 17
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I would tell.  He has a right to know his wife is scum.

Post # 18
Member
4983 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

It depends. If you want to tell her husband because you think it’ll guarantee she will stay away from your husband , thus helping your husband stay loyal and recommit to your marriage then your thinking is seriously flawed. She’s not the problem- your husband is. 

Post # 19
Member
2300 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

That’s hard, because if it were me, I’d want to know. Then again, if I were you, I probably wouldn’t tell. You just never know what you’re stepping into which is likely why people didn’t tell you.

 

Also, if I were cheating on my husband with a married man and the wife found out and confronted me, I’d consider it a very real possibility that she would tell him, especially if she had his number (which, in this age of social media and so much contact info being made public, I would assume even if she didn’t, she could get it, quite easily). So, I’d lay decent odds on her either confessing already, or complaining that she’s been harassed by a woman who has accused her of an affair but that it’s absolutely false. Either way, I bet she’s prepared for your next step.

Post # 20
Member
1390 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I would tell him.

I would want to know, as would my husband (just asked him!), if my spouse was cheating. 

It’s going to come out sooner or later regardless if you tell or not, so it may as well be sooner to stop prolong suffering. 

Post # 21
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I was in your position a few years ago. I found out my long term boyfriend had been having an affair with a married co-worker, for at least a year maybe as long as 3. I was putting so much effort into working on our relationship but he had checked out and was too much of a coward to tell me. Some of his friends knew about it and later i found out that it was known amongst his other coworkers. I felt like everyone knew but me. 

I wrote a Facebook message to her husband because I felt like he should know too. I didn’t give my ex’s name just a few details about their relationship. I had already deleted everything on social media tying me to my ex. He never wrote back so I let it be because I felt like I tried. Then 4 years later! He writes me. It was all new news to him so I filled him in on all the details that I could but wouldn’t give details about my ex. He thanked me because he had no idea. That happened a year ago and as far as I know he is still with his wife. 

I say tell him. 

Post # 22
Member
1477 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

I’d tell him as I’d want someone to tell me!  But preprepared for him to 1.) not believe you 2.) get angry  3.) have him already know and not care.

Telling him will not fix this problem for you. It might even make things worse. It’s also not your responsibility to tell him.  Don’t take that on. If you feel fortnthe guy and want him to know, just tell him. 

Post # 23
Member
3790 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

willowtree85 :  To be honest, I would tell him. I didnt tell any of the SO’s of my ex-h’s mistresses because the woman he was seeing when I caught him was single and the affairs that inolved SO’s had ended at least 2 years prior. If the mistress had a SO at that time, I would have told them. No one ever told me what my ex-h was up to and if they had, it would have saved me a lot of time wasted with a shitty person. A lot of people stand by the thought that someone being cheated on knows something is going on and if they dont it’s because they’re ignoring signs… not always the case and I sure as hell wish someone would have thought about me and my right to the truth because there’s no way my ex would have ever told me. I vote for telling the husband. What he does with that info is up to him, but he has a right to know that his wife is a shitty person.

Post # 24
Member
2286 posts
Buzzing bee

willowtree85 :  I would tell. Fuck that noise about “what’s your motive”. The motive doesn’t matter—the guy deserves to know either way. If your need for vengeance is satiated in the meantime, well, even better 🤷🏽‍♀️

 

ETA: if vengeance *is* part of your motive, though, I hope she isn’t the only one at which it is directed. I hope you realize that your man is the one with the most blood on his hands and should be handled accordingly by DROPPING HIS ASS LIKE A HOT POTATO.

Post # 25
Member
6300 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

After reading your update- she said she’s working on things with her husband and yet went out with your husband again AFTER you already knew about them- I’d absolutely let her husband know and it would absolutely be tied to revenge. Not even going to pretend.

Post # 27
Member
2189 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I wouldn’t tell. Who knows what their situation is. I just wouldn’t want to be that person. I’ve been in that situation and I didn’t tell. I think the husband eventually found out because his wife got pregnant and didn’t know whose child it was. They had to do DNA testing when the baby was born. 

Post # 29
Member
2439 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Tell.

Notice how all the people posting who have actually been in this position (with a cheating spouse), are saying how much they wish someone had told them? And how awful it was when they eventually found out and realized others had known but hadn’t bothered to inform them? 

ETA: Good job, i think you did the right thing. 

Post # 30
Member
4317 posts
Honey bee

So after you found out about the affair, your husband went out with the other woman again?

It strikes me that you have enough on your plate to deal with without having to insert yourself into another marriage. And be honest, your motive is at least partly revenge. Furthermore, you say that telling the husband might change the “dynamics of [your] situation”. In what way do you envision this happening?  Reading between the lines, it seems like your husband is not committed to your marriage and you’re hoping that telling the husband will change that. 

It won’t. 

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