Post # 1
So, my wedding is in about 2 months. our venue is for 200 people but we’re already over the limit and for a time it was getting stressful as our families kept inviting more friends/family. In any case, after much talk with my mom, she has agreed to keep her side curbed to a certain number and not go over as much pressure as she felt from various family members.
ANYWAYS, one of my closest friends(she was actually present when my now fiance and i met and had always been a huge source of support) initally told me that she COULD NOT come to my wedding as she is going to another wedding for another friend but since that ticket was paid for she felt obligated to go there…(however I had told her in advance when my wedding was). In any case, both weddings are overseas and because she is tight on money, I totally understood and said it was cool and that we’d organize a trip after the wedding.
Anyways, she just emails me this morning and tells me she can now come?! And to be honest, I just really stressed as at this point we are just totally over. and furthermore she wants to come with her on/off boyfriend. and the thing is i cant even ask her to come alone as i have NO space in my apartment at all.
What do I do? On one end she is an important part of my life, on the other she didnt confirm with me when we were making the guestlist, and now we are totally over the limit and i’ve actually had to ‘dis-invite’ some family members…(the invitations go out friday)…hence waiting for some people to cancel so i can re invite…!
HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP!!! If I’m being selfish please tell me.
Post # 3
@CurlyWurly: I think you should just email her back and tell her she can’t come. Explain your situation. Also I think it’s selfish of HER to think she can change her mind about coming/not coming whenever she wants. It’s kindof rude. That’s why I’m not inviting my Dad’s dad. I guess I should call him ‘grandpa’ but he’s never been there. Flaky people just shouldn’t be invited.
Post # 4
thank you so much for your advice! i guess i just feel really guilty as she is a really close friend and like i said was a huge form of support for my fiance and i…but she told me now!! granted its still 2 months from the wedding, but we are already overboard on the guestlist…i mean i can’t even invite some family that’s imp for my mom as we just have too many!! i just don’t know what to say to her, and part of me feared i was being really mean.
Post # 5
if you tell her not to come, be prepared to lose her as a friend. it’s not her fault you went overboard with the guest list, and she’s still responding before your rsvp date.
Post # 6
she told me she wasn’t coming when we were compiling the guest list. the guestlist issues were cause of my family and his family, and we’ve solved that in the sense that none of them are allowed to invite more unless someone on the guest list already cancels. the wedding is in 2 months, and she never got an invite as she said she wasn’t coming when i was creating the guestlist!
Post # 7
I disagree with not having her there. It’s ot like she snubbed you or did anything wrong. If you are already over, perhaps you should revisit your list. How many out of the 200+ do you really know, really want at your wedding as much as you want this close friend? How many people did your parents invite that they aren’t really even that close with?
If it were me, I would explain the stress to your family and tell them they have to cut a little. It’s rediculous that you don’t have room for your own friend.
Post # 8
I know she didn’t do anything wrong, and the issue is the 200 are ALREADY confirmed…And even though 200 seems like alot , for the kind of family background my fiance and i have, it’s actually small. furthermore his dad is paying for the entire wedding, and i had already invited all my close friends(for the most part), she just told me at that point she couldn’t make it…and now she can?
Furthermore I should have mentioned this to begin with, the main reason she can also come now is that her on/off bf is paying for her(she was v short of money). however they are VERY precarious(he’s gone as far as kicking her out of house)…but suddenly they are together again. I’m so worried that they might break up again before wedding…He might refuse to fly over, and then where would she stay? I have NO space and she cannot afford a wedding. My apartment is small and I already have many people staying here…
I don’t know, just majorly stressed about this
Post # 9
It sounds like you already have your answer. You keep defending reasons why she shouldnt come. If it were me I would invite her but that is because the friends that came to my wedding I am much closer with than most of my family. It’s too bad you let your family dictate your list. Just write her a nice email back explaining your situation.
Post # 10
If people haven’t even gotten their invitations yet, I wouldn’t be so sure thay are all confirmed. It’s quite rare that anyone gets 100% attendance at any wedding. Emergencies can and do arise, so you may be surprised at how many ‘openings’ you’ll get. It seems to typically be 20% of invited guests that decline, so maybe give it some time before you do anything with her, or explain the situaion as you have here and tell her you’ll let her know if there’s room as soon as you know.
Post # 11
@ItWasntMe: Totally agree with this, take a ‘wait and see’ approach and you might get some leeway. I also come from a background with crazy guest lists. Too many uncles and aunts and cousins that I’m close to. I had to take a hatchet to the list AND I made sure I booked a small reception venue. HOWEVER, I did build in space to have my friends come to the wedding because, well, no matter how close I am to my relatives, I am much closer to a bunch of friends than I am to certain relatives 🙂
Post # 12
Personally, I would have still sent her an invite even though she said she couldn’t come. I’ve never heard of people needing to confirm or deny their attendance just to get an invitation. Not many people know that far out what their plans are.
If she says she can come, then you should believe her without judgment or question regarding her ability to pay or her situation with her boyfriend. You can absolutely tell her that you have no room to board her for the wedding, however, since you are under no obligation to do so.
It sounds like you know what you want to do, and you are looking for justification for telling her that its too late and she can’t come. I personally disagree with that approach since you haven’t even sent out invitations yet. If you had sent her an invitation and she had RSVP no, then I think you would be justified.
Post # 13
i agree with those that say you should let her come. but as for your concerns about where she would stay – that’s not your concern. you had space to offer and because she said no, then other people took it. that seems like a first come first serve. and she can’t expect to stay with you. so who knows, maybe you can say to come to the wedding, but she has to find her own place to stay, and that might deter her from coming?
Post # 14
You guys thank you so much for your help. I thought long and hard over this, and in the end, whether she said no originally or not, i would just feel really guilty being the one to say NOOO you can’t come!! TOOO LATE…as she is a close friend, and a very good one at that.
The true issue was that I’m not paying for this wedding, and I already included all my close friends, and upon her saying no, I put someone else in…and anyone, ANYONE who has crazy crazy family with a zillion relatives will know how hard it is to convince family that only a selection of them can come..
However to cut a long story short, I told her she can def come alongside her man after much hair pulling! I just I just worried excessively over her+her man dramas, and being the one to have to deal with it..i.e him deciding not to come, her in foreign country and no money for hotel..me being not strong enough of a person to tell her no space even though there is NONE…Aaahhh WEDDINGS!!!
But thanks again ladies