Post # 1
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
so i had a destination wedding a few months ago in Dominican Republic. One of my BMs and her boyfriend decided to get married the same week as me during the week of my Destination Wedding because they were going to be there anyway (long story how this came to be and how i felt about it – see my old threads if you are interested).
Basically i dealt with this by planning my wedding and not consulting with her and making my wedding as personalized as possible. it turned out great. hers was also good – different from mine and i was happy about that. also, it turned out that her wedding did not steal from my day at all. the only problem we had that week was the exhaustion of being in two weddings in the same week, not much time left over for vacation!! our mutual friends who were BMs in both weddings felt the same way. but whats done was done and its all over now.
now, i did not help my friend plan her wedding at all because in the beginning when i did, i found she kept replying to what i was doing by saying “oh i am going to do that too!” well i then learned to shut up quickly about what i was doing so she couldn’t copy every detail in addition to my venue and week and idea of a DW!
ok, so i sent out my thank you cards about a month after my wedding. i even included pics and wrote nice hand written notes. Until now, i have received nothing from my friend in the form of a thank you. unless she decided to send notes to everyone but me, this tells me she has not sent thank yous and is not planning to. I think it makes her look really bad that everyone that attended my wedding got a really nice Thank You cards with pictures. but nothing from her! (about half my guests also attended her wedding)..they obviously will notice the lack of Thank You on her part.
Question – should i tell her as gently as possible that this is something she needs to do? or do i stay out of anything to do with her wedding like i did during the whole planning phase and let other people think what they want?
Post # 4
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
If it’s a really good friend, I’d maybe just ask her what type of cardstock she used for the thank-you note or something. You know, draw her attention to the notes, and talk about how important they are. But don’t say, “you NEED to send thank you cards”, because people don’t tend to take kindly to being told what to do.
Post # 4
Member
2190 posts
Buzzing bee
@frustrated: I would be so annoyed with your friend if I was you. Seriously…very messed up, in my book. But that’s off topic. Umm…I don’t think you should let her know because it’s really her choice and it might make her look bad but she should know better than to not send thank you’s. However, I noticed you got married less than a month ago…some people take a few months to settle down and get all of their’s done so she might still be sending them out. And in that case, it would be kind of rude to mention it to her.
Post # 5
Member
46606 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Stay out of it. It’s one thing to give advice to a stranger here on the bee. It’s another to try to educate friends re wedding etiquette.
Post # 6
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
I may be incorrect about this, but I’ve heard that brides have up to six months to send thank you cards for the wedding. I certainly wouldn’t let it go that long, but it’s something I’ve always heard. I wouldn’t say anything to her, in any case – you don’t want to draw any kind of “i did this and you haven’t” comparisons. You would think she would follow your lead. Maybe she honestly hasn’t had time and is still planning on doing them.
Post # 7
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
@Heatherloveskenny: i actually got married more than a month ago, but have to keep my real date annonymous on here! lets just say according to the rules of etiquette – the time for thank yous have passed!
to everyone else, ya, i guess so far i haven’t said anything because i would not know how or what to say without it being an awkward convo!
I am wondering though, one way i thought was to ask her if she received MY thank you note? what do you think about that? just to put the idea in her head…..but then if she did receive it, you would think the idea was put without me talking about it!
Post # 8
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
You are a her friend. You should tell her. Don’t get on her about it. Ask her in a round about way like “Isn’t writing all those thank you notes really tiring?” or “What kind of thank you cards are you using?” Something that assumes she is sending them, but gives you the opportunity to say something about how important it is to send them if she had not planned on it.
Post # 9
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
@MissAnchor: ok, i thought we had less than six months. if thats really what it is, i’ll keep waiting and see what she does! but either way, i guess i wont say anything….
Post # 10
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
I guess i can’t really imagine a close friend of mine that i couldn’t gently remind that thank you notes are awesome and that everyone likes getting mail. This whole scenario just seems so surface and fake to me.
So i guess i’m saying – Yes. Remind her. In whatever tone you normally speak to each other with.
Post # 11
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
@Mollytov: ah i am torn! because on one level, i CAN picture telling her she needs to send them! but i guess i dont want to offend her by telling her what to do, like some people have acknowledged could happen. so i just wanted an outside perspective. not sure what you mean by this whole scenario seems fake? i can assure you that the double wedding week was real!
Post # 12
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
@frustrated: Gotcha. I honestly didn’t mean to be offensive with the word ‘fake’. I should have used something different. I guess i just mean … You must be close to her, she was one of your bridesmaids. I have a hard time imaging a good friend and not being able to have an honest conversation with her.
You know what’s best though. In the end, her not sending thank you notes doesn’t reflect on you.
Post # 13
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
@Mollytov: no offense taken! i just don’t want anyone to think i am a troll!! and i am close to this person, its just with the whole wedding thing, i felt there was some underlying tension. like we were happy for eachother on the outside, but had some resentment on the inside. at least i know i felt that way. i resented her for even asking me to do her wedding the same week as me. but i never said anything. and i initially said yes to her because it was before i booked or got into the real nitty gritty details of wedding planning, it seemed like a good idea at the time! then after an incident of her trying to dictate WHERE we get married, i was left with a bad taste in my mouth about the whole thing, and it never left me. and then more things happened, and i just kept it all in. so basically when it comes to anything wedding related, i feel the need to restrain myself in discussing it with her. i think honestly if her wedding was a different time and place and in no way related to mine, i would have NO problem saying something…so i see what you mean about us being close and how it should be easy to say something – under normal circumstances, i agree it should and would be.
Post # 14
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee
IMO…Not your problem. Although your dual wedding situation was interesting and unique, I don’t think it gives you any special responsibility to make etiquette suggestions.
Post # 15
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
I wouldn’t, and I would HATE to be told. Just like you didn’t want to have her tell you how to proceed with your wedding, she probably doesn’t want to be told how to proceed with hers. The thank you note debate is tired and i’m always all by myself on the one side of it so i won’t get into it here, but i’ll just say – maybe she’s made a decision not to send them and you should respect that.
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