(Closed) Should I tell my fiance about my past

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

View original reply
Lisajane1990:  You seem to love him and if he truly meant he doesn’t care about your past, he won’t leave you. Not saying he might not be shocked and take a bit of time to process but ultimately he will accept you and carry on. My husband once told me “I love the woman you are today, not the girl you were years ago”, that’s why he doesn’t care what happened in my past but he still knows my past because as little as there is in it (we met when I was 19), I wanted him to understand why I am who I am today.

Post # 17
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

 

Lisajane1990:  Well if he ever does find it, he cannot be upset since he “does not want to know about your past”. If it is really bothering you and you just want to get it off your chest, then go ahead. He can’t tell you that he does not want to know anything then get mad down the road when he discovers something that you did.

I wonder why he doesn’t want to know anything? It makes me think maybe he has something he wants to keep secret.

Post # 18
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
therealbee:  In my opinion, and I believe I am far from alone in this, doing porn would be right up there with the other examples I gave.  While the OP may not choose to do porn today or wish she could go back and make different choices now, she says she enjoyed it which IS part of who she is today.  Our past makes up who we are today – mistakes, poor judgement and all.

Sins of omission are as good as a lie and just as damaging when revealed.  As I said, I do believe everyone has a right to some privacy about very personal, intimate things even within a marriage but this, In My Humble Opinion, falls well outside of that.  I feel her Fiance has a right to know.  

Post # 19
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

If it’s as easy to find as knowing your screen name, then yes I would tell him. I don’t even know how I’d bring it up, though. 

Post # 20
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Personally, I wouldn’t tell him. He said he doesn’t want to know, and that’s a valid choice. The only two things I wanted to know about my fiance’s sexual history were: if he currently had any kind of STD/ if he had any previously, and if he had any potential children running around. I don’t give a damn if he was Ron Jeremy part 2 as long as the answer to my questions was a solid no. I have no idea how many people he slept with. He could have been a porn star, and I wouldn’t know or care. It’s irrelevant to our relationship. It seems that your fiance feels the same way.

Post # 21
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
Zhabeego:  Sins of omissions are as good as a lie, can’t argue with you there, so I won’t because I more than agree with you on that.  What I am trying to tell OP is that she shouldn’t be judged for something as “little” (and I put it in ” ” because she could have done far worse) she did in her past, because who knows how her Fiance will react. But…saying the truth is always better and Fiance does deserve the truth – I just don’t think she should be punished for it, which she may be considering he might not want to be with a person that did porn in a past life you know ?

Post # 22
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
therealbee:  But that’s not punishment, its consequences for choices made and there’s nothing wrong or unfair about that.  Hard, perhaps – but not unfair.  

The person you marry isn’t just some random person in your life with no right to judge you.  The person you marry has EVERY right to judge you, to have opinions about your character, your judgement, your trustworthiness, reliability and anything else they deem crucial in a life partner.  They have every right to make a fully informed choice about who they’re marrying.

If the OP’s fiance’ decides her having done porn in a dealbreaker,  that’s his right.  It would be his right to decide that being left handed was a dealbreaker if that was important to him just as the OP can decide what is and isn’t a dealbreaker for her – but they, as everyone, should know exactly who they are marrying before they marry as much as that’s possible.  

Post # 23
Member
5870 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
Lisajane1990:  I’d tell him.  He doesn’t want to know about your past, but because this is public he could find out about it from someone else.  I’d rather have the fight with him now, pre-wedding than have it come out at some point down the road.

Post # 24
Member
337 posts
Helper bee

I would tell him because it seems as if it would be a huge weight off your chest. If he loves you, he will love you understand. 

Post # 25
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

View original reply
Lisajane1990:  Definitely tell him.  As hard as it may be…it will be even harder if someone else tells him first.  When we first started dating I debated telling my Fiance about something in my past for weeks.  It was the hardest thing I had ever done, especially bc I had a friend and mom mom telling me it was before him, he doesn’t need to know…if he doesn’t know he can’t get upset blah blah.  But I knew that this relationship was different and I wanted to be honest.  It probably took me 10 mins to actually get it out, and his reaction was hard to see…but a few hours later he came back and told me that he knew I didn’t have to tell him, and he was glad I was honest…and apologized for his reaction.  As much as it feels easier to hide (especially if he says he doesn’t want to know) that is definitely not something you want him to find out later on and caught of guard.

Post # 26
Member
5658 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I say tell him. I’ve always been of the “don’t ask don’t tell” mindset myself, and that my past is my business. Until the day my husband dug into my business and snooped. He had never asked about my sexual history before, but one day he decided to be inappropriate and read some of my journals etc I had brought home from my mom’s while trying to clear out my stuff from her house. He discovered that my past was much more “colorful” than he had ever told himself it might be and it caused some serious issues. We ended up having to go to counseling to work past that. And you may have to too, depending on how he reacts, but if he loves you the way you say you will both work through it. But better now than later. At LEAST be clear with him that it’s not just that you were with others before him. Maybe tell him “I want to be sure you don’t want to know about my past. I am going to offer up that there is something I did that I’m not proud of, but I don’t want you to somehow find out down the line what it was, instead of directy from me, so I will leave it up to you whether you really truly do not care to know”. And let him decide. 

Post # 27
Member
6308 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

View original reply
Zhabeego:  Agree 100%. This could affect the family they are starting to build, so he definitely needs to know.

Post # 28
Member
680 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
Lisajane1990:  Telling him depends on how much you think he would care if he found out from someone other than you. What if one of his friends come across it and tell him? Would that hurt him? If you don’t think so…keep it to yourself. If so…you have to tell him. Finding out something that big could change your relationship forever.

Post # 29
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Hrm. I think this depends on what he knows as a “norm” for you.  If you met him at church, you should come clean.  If he was doing shots out of your cleavage on your first date, then maybe it’s not a big deal.  If he already knows you were a wild child, there is probably no need to bring up this one particular sin.

I also think the fear of someone finding them without you spilling the beans is overstated.  If you couldn’t help but tell your friends, then yes, someone will probably screw this up for you.  If it’s truly a secret and you’re not around the other people who participated in the videos, I think the odds are quite slim that someone will a) find them b) confirm it’s you in the video without a doubt c) be willing to embarass him/herself by admitting to watching porn in order to “out” you.  If you’ve kept quiet, I’m betting you can go the rest of your life without anyone finding them.

Good luck!

Post # 30
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Ugh, that’s a tough one. Do you know why he doesn’t want to know anything about your past? Maybe he did already find out and doesn’t want t. Talk about it with you / have to truly aknowledge it / find out your reasons for having done so and that’s why he says he doesn’t want to know anything? (A friend might have known your porn and when you’ve been introduced to him, he could have told your Fiance.)

i think I would make it his choice. Sth along the lines of: “you know how you’ve said you didn’t want to know anything about my past? I’ve been thinking about this again and wanted to find out your reasons for it. I feel that in a marriage, you should truly know the other person. The good, the bad and the ugly. And if I hold back on sth, even though it’s not reflecting who i an today, I still feel like I’m holding back sth essential if I don’t share with you things about my past that you wouldn’t like.”

having said that, i wouldn’t feel TOO bad about not telling him because after all he asked you for it. Even though I would also interpret this as not wanting to know details of past relationships. 

how easy is it to find your screen name / associate it with you? You said it’s been a long time ago, so I wouldn’t be too worried about this popping up. I mean there’s a gazillion of porn out there – chances are none of your friends are going to end up watching yours by chance. if you can be found quite easily, that’s a whole other story if course. 

The topic ‘Should I tell my fiance about my past’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors