(Closed) should I tell my friend or not?

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2475 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Yes, definitely tell her!  She needs to know, and like you said, if the situation was reversed, you would want to know!

Post # 4
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Maybe I am way off base but it sounds to me like she logged into his account and was trying to test you. I dunno.

Definitely talk to her about it though but be very forthright and matter of fact.

You run the risk of her shooting the messenger if it really _was_ him but she deserves to know.

Post # 5
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

OK, you need not have anymore contact with her husband. You see what type of man he is, so why entertain that behavior. It should have ended with the “hey sexy” or “hey sweetie”  If it was one of my friend’s husband, I would have told her immediately. A friend is a friend. Be a true friend and print this conversation off and tell her. Oh! and cut the communication off with her husband until you get an apology and then limit your conversations with him to -only when it’s necessary-

Post # 6
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

#1: I would not talk to her husband again. That is just asking for something to happen. In a way it is enabling him to speak that way to you. You shouldnt give him the opportunity.

#2: I would let her know but in a nonthreatening manner. My friend’s boyfriend would say things to me and I told her like this “Claire, I know that we are all friends but sometimes Dustin says things to me and I don’t know how to take them. I think he is joking but it makes me uncomfortable.” She spoke with him and now we are all friends again and he hasn’t spoken to me like that since. There is no weirdness either.

Good luck! Remember to put you and your friendship first. Don’t initiate conversations with her hubby.


Post # 7
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Talk to you fiance about it.  I think he should also know. Stop talking to him and talk to her.  Keep the convos incase she doesnt believe you.  You wouldnt want that. It could get messy.  You need to be honest with her.  It may be difficult, but wouldnt you want to know?

Post # 8
1955 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

Just be prepared, if you tell her, that she might not be friends with you after…I was in a similar situation where a friend’s bf was cheating on her and I told her and she chose to believe him (lying) and not me and it really put a damper on our friendship…So I think you have to take that into consideration as well…

Post # 9
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think Aleanan had a really good way to phrase it – and I agree that you need to tell her.

I would want to know if I were your friend.

If she does happen to get upset with you, remember that it’s not you she’s really upset with, and that she probably feels more awkward and sad than anything else.

Post # 10
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999


Thats exactly why I suggest she keep record of the convos  (and she should tell her Mr.)

I think its a risk that has to be taken, hopefully with precaution and preparation but in any case it should be done.  She needs to know.  Thats what friends are for. Thinkof a frienship like a marriage, for better or worse.  You need to bet there for her and be honest with her.  Imagine she finds out one day on her own.  I would be livid.


Post # 11
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

@ejoyb:  I thought the same thing!!  I immediately thought that she is logging in under her husband’s name and testing her!!  I had that happen to me….I figured it out when she started saying things that sounded more like a girl than something that would come out of my friend’s mouth (I was right…she was trying to catch him cheating…)

Anyways…TOUGH either way you do it.  I suggest keeping track of what he is writing.  I also suggest that next time you set him straight and say “Listen…I don’t appreciate you talking to me in this manner especially when I respect my friendship w/ your wife so much.  I think she would be heartbroken if she read some of the things you write.”  Maybe then he will get the hint and leave you alone.

Post # 12
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Take a snapshot of the conversation. It’s too easy for her to think you’re lying to her. People are pretty blind about their spouses.

And don’t talk to the dude. You’re encouraging conversation by just chatting with him and he’s pushing you! Be firm! Don’t beat around the bush. Tell him straight up it’s not appropriate for him to talk to you like that.

And talk to your friend about it. I don’t think it’s cool to keep it from her.

Post # 13
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

You definitely need to come clean to your friend – hopefully she takes it ok, but if not, then at least you were honest.

This guy makes my skin crawl!

Post # 14
2360 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden

I think you should tell your friend.  I always think of myself in this situation, and I would definitely want my friends to tell me.  I agree with what other people have said, that you should save the conversation and be ready for your friend to be upset, but she should know.  I know I would want to know.

Post # 15
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Tell her, but be prepared for her to turn on you, possibly blaming it all on you. I totally agree with Trailmix and have had the same thing happen to me. But you are in a tough position where you are kind of obligated to bring it to her attention, so try to do it gently and with proof if you have it.

Post # 16
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

What a tough situation!  I would want to know if I were her, so I think you need to tell her.  First, definately have print outs of all the conversations you have!  I’d frame it that you have the printouts because you know that it’s hard to read people’s tone online, and maybe he’s joking, but it makes you feel uncomfortable and you’ve told him so.  Ask if she’d take a look at them and tell you if that sounds like his style of humor or something that you’re just not getting.  That leaves her the option of saving face with you by saying “Yes, I’m sure he was joking” but still gives her the facts in front of her so she decide how she wants to handle the information in private.  I would definately approach it gently because if you come in making accusations, she’ll get defensive and might turn on you.  The other thing is that it really is difficult to read people’s tone online, and she could choose to pick apart the conversations to make it look like you’re at fault.  “What do you mean by asking him if he’s drunk yet? You’re the one flirting!”  Not that it’s logical, but you should be prepared for how she might react.

But 100,000% agree with the other commentors on here – stop talking to the husband!  Even if he’s a gentleman from here on out, why would you want to have 1 on 1 conversations with someone who can be so sleazy?

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