(Closed) Should I tell the wives that they cheated?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

BeeWhoMustNotBeName123:  I’m going to go against the grain (partly). #1 I would let go because it is fairly minor. But #2, I would tell… but only if the wife is a good friend.

We once had a slightly rocky time, years ago now. Yes I would want to know if I was the cheated wife, even now. You are 100% right on that score – you and I would want to know, so we can reasonably expect that wife #2 would want to know. (Bees who say she’d rather not know are only guessing). 

Knowledge is empowering. I honestly can’t think of a single fact which I’d rather be ignorant about. If it happened, wife #2 deserves to know. But you’ve got to be a good friend to broach the subject. Which is why it all depends on how close you are to her.

Post # 47
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

BeeWhoMustNotBeName123:  If my husband cheated on me I would want to know right away.   However if someone – a third party- came up and told me it happened years ago and known about it the whole time I would also question their intention.  ‘Why didn’t they warn me earlier?  Why are they telling me this now?’  Personally I would think they have a secret agenda.

That being said you should try to understand them from their perspective before you act out on it.  Even if you want to tell them with good intention doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll translate that way.  Especially if you don’t know whether the two couples are discussing it and is trying to fix their relationship.  Bringing it up would just add salt to the wound.

Post # 48
Member
1324 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

i’d want to know. it really ISNT any of your business, but if someone knew about it i’d want them to tell me. or at least anonymously but with enough evidence to back it up. sorry for all the negative bees on here. but this is just my 2 cents. 

Post # 49
Member
3617 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

Of course you don’t tell. It’s gossopy and immature. It’s not your business.

Post # 50
Member
804 posts
Busy bee

BeeWhoMustNotBeName123:  Yeah, people are being pretty harsh on you, I can understand your dilemma. I found out a couple of years ago about a friend’s boyfriend (soon to be husband…) cheating on her – it was hearsay as I hadn’t seen it myself (although I did talk to a girl he’d cheated on her with), and the last ‘solid’ info dated from about a year before I found out. I’m closer to her than most of the other people we know mutually who had also been told about the cheating (gossipy department, spread like wildfire), and it tore me up inside trying to decide what the hell to do, whether I should tell her or not. I eventually brought up a ‘oh, I know something horrible about my friend from home’s bf but have no idea what to do’ convo, and it transpired that she WOULDN’T tell in my situation because her boyfriend had alerted a friend of their’s about their partner’s cheating (oh the irony) and had suffered from a ‘shoot the messenger’ situation. I didn’t want to spoil my relationship because of how closely we worked together so I decided to keep it to myself. I STILL feel bad about it and my skin crawls everytime I see the guy, but I do feel like I made the right decision when I decided not to tell. They get married later this year and I’m pretty sure I’ll be invited, but am very, very glad that I will be living on a different continent to them by that time and will have a convenient excuse for not going.

Post # 51
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

For case #1, I wouldn’t mention it unless you have reason to believe it will develop into something more.  From what you said, it sounds like this was an isolated event based on some history between the two; it’s not like he’s making out with just anyone.  It was only a kiss and you don’t know what kind of state their relationship was in when it happened.  If they weren’t married now, it might be worth it to mention, but at this point it’s just going to stir up emotions about something that’s been over for a while.

Case #2 is much more complicated.  Personally, I would want to know myself, but I’m not sure it’s your place to say anything.  It’s definitely too delicate to make a judgement after just reading a post.  Good luck.  Perhaps try talking to someone very close to her very discreetly for advice.

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