Post # 1
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
Hi Bee’s, I have a dilemma which I’m hoping for some help with. I have invited a good friend of mine to our wedding, along with her SO. On the weekend, we all went out for a drink and her SO turned nasty, after a few drinks. He didn’t actually hit her, but it completely spoilt the night, I ended up being caught up in the middle of it and he was arrested!
So.. I have asked my friend to either come by herself or not at all 🙁 but she is upset and has asked me to reconsider and let both of them still come. I don’t want to hurt my friends feelings, but I also do not want any possibility of trouble on my wedding day!
Any advice bee’s? what would you do? Thanks.
Post # 3
Hostess
3572 posts
Sugar bee
I know this might not be popular advice, but it sounds like your friend is in an abusive relationship. If that’s the case, she really needs you now more than ever, and disinviting her partner will almost definitely ensure he makes sure she doesn’t really have the opportunity to see or speak to you again in the future. It really sucks and you shouldn’t have to deal with it, but if she’s a good friend now is really the time to dig your heals in, not let it go.
hugs and good luck.
Post # 4
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
@smallstuff: Well if he didn’t hit her what did he actually do that was so awful?
I don’t think you can uninvite him, you should leave it up to her.
Post # 5
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
@shaniqua: hi, they just seem to have a very destructive relationship, which I didn’t really realise fully. I’ve spoken to other friends, who have told me they are always fighting. She’s very jealous, which doesn’t help and he gets aggressive in drink. I was caught up in the middle on saturday, because she accused him of flirting with me! he was pushing her around, to the extent that the club staff thought she might be in danger. Thats why the police were called and he was arrested.
Post # 6
Member
4495 posts
Honey bee
I probably wouldn’t invite him – not if he is putting his hands on her. Plus, are you having alcohol at your wedding? If this is his typical drunken behavior I wouldn’t want to risk dealing with it if he has one too many.
Post # 7
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
@adoc86: hi, yes there will be alcohol at my wedding and from what I understand, this is how he behaves in drink… but then again, maybe he would be on his best behaviour at my wedding… My friend has ‘promised’ me he wouldn’t do anything to spoil our day, but I just don’t know if it’s worth the risk..
Post # 8
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
In my opinion, there is absolutely no way to ensure that he will be on his best behavior.
I would NOT invite him. If he was a relative or something that’s one thing but the SO of a friend? Nope.
Post # 9
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
Thank you all, with the help of this and a later thread, I have decided to uninvite him
Post # 10
Member
259 posts
Helper bee
The only issue with not inviting him, if he is abusive, is if he somehow blames her for it or thinks that she’s said/done something.
Is there any way you can get her away from him? He sounds like a dangerous man and she really seems to need help.
Post # 11
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
You are only going to cause her more problems with her relaitonship if you uninvite him. Plus, he will likely not allow her to attend by herself anyway. All you can do is make sure she knows his behavior is wrong and that you are there to help her get away from him any way that you can. But ultimately, she has to make the decision to end the abusive relationship and uninviting her partner to the wedding is much more likely to cause more problems. I would just have someone prepared to call the cops on him if he raises a hand against her at the wedding.
Post # 12
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
I think you should invite both of them still. Your friend needs you and if she is in a truly abusive situation that may escalate, uninviting him may worsen the abuse.
Post # 13
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
@smallstuff: I would uninvite him, and if she doesn’t understand where you’re coming from I would uninvite her too. Just my opinion tho
Post # 14
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
@smallstuff: If he is prone to getting violent when he drinks then he probably should not be at your wedding. Last thing you need is the police having to be called. I wouldn’t invite him.
Post # 15
Member
2575 posts
Sugar bee
Oh I don’t know, I think uninviting him might have some negative consequences. Abusers tend to isolate their partners from their friends, and that would be an opportunity for him to do that to your friend. I know if I had a friend who uninvited my Fiance for an event I’d probably respond by not going myself and distancing myself from that person, and although you have a good reason to not want him there, that’s what might happen. Your wedding day is so much less important than your friend. Talk to her, tell her you’re not concerned for your wedding but for her and you want the best for her, so if she wants this guy around you’ll support her 100%. Consequently, when this guy tries to badmouth you to her he just looks like more of a jerk and she gets to see who really cares about her.
I know it’d be lousy if he made a scene at your wedding but as your friend’s concerned it might be the best possible outcome, no way she’d stick with this jerk if he acted like an ass at a wedding of all places right? Small price to pay for your friend’s safety and happiness!
Post # 16
Member
982 posts
Busy bee
@smallstuff: I understand that it’s hard for you to see her treated like that, but at the same time, that’s her choice of mate for the time being, until she decides enough is enough. So as much as you dislike him, you’re hurting her – probably in more ways than one – if you uninvite him.
Member