(Closed) Should I wait for a proposal, or cut my losses and run?

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

Cut your loses and run.  He’s missed your deadline and he’s stalling on your second one.  I also see issues with you two doing therapy before marriage.  That seems like a red flag to me.  

Post # 3
Member
3080 posts
Sugar bee

Cut your losses and run. No question about it.

Post # 5
Member
2231 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

First off, I’m sorry you’re living with this bee. Your bf has made it very clear on multiple accounts that he does not feel like marriage is for him. While he claims to love you, the way he is treating you is manipulative and unfair. Your choice seems to be whether or not you’d be happy never getting married. If you plan to spend your life with this man, it won’t be in a marriage, and if that’s okay with you, then quit this unhealthy back and forth and come to a consensus on a timeline for starting a family.

Personally it doesn’t seem like you’re giving yourself enough respect by continuing to come back to this man every time he cries and begs forgiveness with no change in his actions. I’d look real hard at this relationship and decide if this is the type of relationship you want to continue, let alone commit to. As you said yourself, you’re young and full of potential, there’s no need to settle for less than you deserve. 

Post # 6
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

Cut your losses and run. This man doesn’t want to marry you.

Post # 7
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

OUCH! 

You’ve outlined examples of how he historically fails to see things through. Even if he were to propose, would he see it through to the wedding? Doubt it. And when there’s a real decision to be made about whether it’s time to try to conceive, will that take years? Probably.

A phrase often used on these boards has never seemed more applicable: “He’s shown you who he is. Believe him.”

Post # 8
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Run like you’re going for Olympic gold. You already answered your own question.

Post # 9
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee

What specific marriage traditions is he opposed to?  It would be one thing if he was against the institution of marriage but was all in on committing to you for the long term, but he’s indecisive on being with you.  He claims that the relationship needs to be worked on.  That’s just not healthy at the stage you feel your relationship is in.  I’ll also add that even if he was all in on being with you for the long haul, it’s perfectly possible that marriage is a must for you, in which case you are clearly incompatible.

If proposing is one of the traditions he is opposed to, I can see why he has not done so.  Personally, I don’t understand the overwhelming number of bees that carry on with this tradition.  I don’t understand the “waiting” threads.  Why can’t a woman propose to a man?  Or even better, why can’t both people just talk to each other and mutually agree to get engaged (the same way they agree to become exclusive)?  I’m not knocking you for wanting a proposal if if one is important to you, but you do point out that he has a problem with some marriage traditions.

Ultimately, what would cause me to move on in this situation is his overall indecisive nature (this is going to come up time and time again, not just in regard to commitment) as well as therapy not being enough to make him sure about being with you.  I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but it’s better that you know this now than after you were married, or worse, after you had kids.

Post # 10
Member
4926 posts
Honey bee

Actions need to equal words.

You have five years of words that are not backed up by action.

Do you enjoy the way you are living now?  Do you enjoy the blame?  The inaction?  The inability to trust what he says because he never follows through?  The talking in circles and never getting anywhere?

If so, then stay and know that you are willing signing up for more of exactly the same.

If you don’t enjoy those things (and you really, really shouldn’t), then go.

Post # 11
Member
478 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2020

It’s not fair of him to make promises and not keep them. It’s not fair of him to tell you he’s all in, but then have one foot laced up with a running shoe and stuck halfway out the door. It’s not fair of him to continue to move the goalposts and make stalling excuses and wait until you’re done to suddenly start this hysterical bonding stage and lure you back in. 

It’s not fair of YOU to expect him to change. He won’t. This is who he is. He’s afraid of commitment and he’s afraid of anything but the status quo. You cannot expect this to radically change. It won’t. If you want a man who will be ecstatic to marry you and have babies, this isn’t the man for that. Time to find a new one. You’re not even engaged yet, now is the perfect time to cut and run.

You are also very much responsible for your stagnant situation. You keep going back, you accept his excuses, you allow him to do and say the same things and never follow through, but without following through on your own plan to leave and start over.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but you are allowing him to have too much control of things. Take your control back. You’re 36, if you want to be married before having kids, your clock is ticking. Big time. 

Post # 12
Member
600 posts
Busy bee

Bee, I think most marriage traditions are bullshit too. I think the idea that a relationship isn’t “real” or fully commited unless you’re married is bullshit. I think the idea that a couple feels beholden to their friends and family to foot the bill for an expensive party that follows certain arbitrary “rules” and symbols (white dress, a grown woman being “given away” by her father, the pre-selection and expectation of fancy gifts in return for observing this ritual, etc.) is bullshit. I think the whole notion that a couple is expected to tearfully express their devotion to one another in front of an audience in order to be considered “normal” is bullshit. I think that the way most of us have been conditioned by the media and advertising to conform to these ideals is bullshit. In fact, in my opinion the whole mess sprouts from a mostly meaningless pile of pseudo-religious, hetero-normative and patriarchal bullshit hell-bent on making those of us who don’t worship at its altar feel like freaks.

You know what I don’t think is bullshit? Spending my life with the person I love, retaining the right to be considered in matters concerning their wellfare and care, owning property with them and raising a family that we are both equally entitled to custody of under the law. That’s marriage. Everything else is take it or leave it, and frankly, a bullshit excuse for torturing your loved one with your indecision. Your partner is “spinning out” to a degree that is risking that beautiful future he claims to want so much. Does he comprehend the seriousness of this?

 

Post # 13
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2022

Bee, I applaud you for already taking some actions! Personally, I’d stop checking in with him and let it play out. You’re at least going to get an answer even if it’s disappointing. You’re only setting yourself up for a greater disappointment if he doesn’t deliver. It’s best to view it like getting on a plane. You can call the person as much as you like, set up reminders, send maps, but ultimately they need to do it. Can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. 

Post # 14
Member
563 posts
Busy bee

You may be better off putting your money towards IVF and sperm donorship than a wedding with him. If he can’t commit to marriage, where you do have divorce as an out, could he really commit to parenthood? You can’t undo a living person. 

Post # 15
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

Do not even THINK about staying because you’re about to be….36!  36!  You’re young!  Do you really want to spend the next 50 years swimming in regret because you settled out of fear that there’s nothing better out there???  Trust me, there is.  Give yourself the best birthday present there is – the freedom to live the life you were meant to live.  There is someone out there who is perfect for you but you’re never going to find him while you’re wasting time with someone who’s still waffling after 5 years. At his age, if he is this incapable of making decisions and following through, is he really the kind of guy you’d want to have children with anyway?

Run. You’ll be so grateful you did.

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