Post # 16
Unfortunately, Bee, the others are right.
Whirlwind-dream-come-true-swept-me-off-my-feet-fairy-tale-romance typically ends with a hard landing. Not always, because nothing in this life is always. But, it’s a pretty safe bet.
Neverbeenstungbee is right about the picture painters. Some of them don’t really even mean any harm; they don’t get that they will ultimately be held to account. They daydream out loud.
Others really are just arseholes in it for the chase, their egos; everything but honorable intentions.
The worst of the lot are genuine evil doers. They want their prey locked down as fast as possible; before she catches on to what he really is.
Your guy likely belongs in one of the first two categories. There is plenty of slop over.
It’s probably a very bad idea to wait around for a proposal that isn’t coming. You’re losing valuable time that could be better spent elsewhere.
Getting to really know someone requires seeing him in a wide variety of different situations. You get to observe how he handles himself. This takes time, Bee.
File this under Painful Lessons Learned.
These are especially hard because you keep wanting to explain over and over, “but, but, but, in the beginning, he totally wanted to marry me! It was all his idea . . . really . . .”
It’s more confusing than a normal breakup. It hurts. You really thought this was different.
I am sorry, Bee.
Post # 17
- Wedding: September 2019 - Somewhere in Texas
it sounds like he changed his mind when the military plans were made.
Post # 18
Guys who break up with a girl, or in this case don’t see a girl as the one they want to marry but cant’ actually say WHY are…HUGE RED FLAGS. How in the hell is he supposed to “figure out” why he doesn’t want to marry you if he has no idea himself? I would much rather take a guy who could say, I dont like xyz about you or our relationship and that is why i don’t see marriage with you. But the guy who is freaking clueless? Bee, those guys are the worst.
My coworkers friend just got up and dumped by a guy like that 2 weeks before their wedding. He dumped her 3 times in the last 3 years they have been together and each time he couldn’t really say why he felt unhappy in their relationship he just wasn’t happy. The girl stupidly stayed with him and when it came down to it he couldn’t marry her and broke it off. He STILL couldn’t say why it was he couldn’t be with her, he again just said he wasn’t happy…. UM WHAT?!!
YOu don’t want a guy like that bee, a guy like that is so out of touch with his own feelings that he can’t even put his finger on the things that bother him. He is EMOTIONALLY STUNTED.
In my experience, once a guy has a bad taste in his mouth about a girl and a relationship there is no going back. This is a guy who has zero control of his emotions and feelings. I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who was at the whim of his emotions, never in control. His lack of control led him to spiral into wanting marriage and buying a ring 5 months in. It lead to him for no real reason backing off that completely and just hoping you woudln’t notice? This guy is immature and has no business being in a relationship with ANYBODY. Not until he can figure out how to be a functioning adult, able to process his emotions.
Run bee, run from this guy as fast as your legs will carry you. THis guy isn’t emotionally mature AT ALL. And that isn’t something you can help him with, how can you help him if he can’t help himself? He has no answers for you, so its up to you bee.
Post # 19
meshir : If he’s the love of your life, he’ll come after you and propose. But he’s not, and he won’t. The *idea* of him is what you love, the whirlwind romance that wasn’t based in reality, and the image of himself he fabricated for you. What you see now doesn’t seem like the same person because it isn’t — this is who he actually is, not who he was pretending to be when newly infatuated with you.
How long should you wait around? Not an hour more. You’re in the same situation as hundreds of other Bees have found themselves, being strung along, only you have a stronge advantage in that he has explicitly told you he would rather break up than marry you. Believe him.
Leave him before this toxic situation impacts you more than it has already. Your future husband is out there waiting for you.
Post # 20
I don’t know but the military thing seems to play a role. If he’s a military brat he knows what beeing in the military entails. You will be gone for basic training and then you’ll get your first assignment and that will not be close to home. He’s in grad school. He wants to finish that and do something with his life. It’s not easy to have a life and a career if your SO is in the military and moving every 2-4 years.
I married a military man but only because he is retiring soon and there was just one service station left. I told him I’d give him those 3 years in exile but I am suffering. I hate it here, I can’t work in my chosen career path, it’s hard to find like minded friends here… I am counting the days till he stars his terminal leave. Like literally I have a count down on my phone.
On the other hand I knew what was going on. My husband and I talked about marrriage early on – and I wasn’t the marrying kind at all – he wanted to marry me, he made a plan and he executed it. And the 1.5 years from meeting to the wedding were a wonderful experience. (Now it’s wonderful too but we are talking waiting and proposing and getting married) – we are both in our mid 30s and we both knew what we wanted out of our lives at the point we met.
I quite often read posts from the bee to my husband and he always says that if a man wants to marry a woman he will ask her to be his wife and marry her. If he doesn’t want that he won’t do it. There are no hidden messages. There’s no room for interpretation (women love to interpret things and men usually don’t sent signals that need to be interpreted. They are clear as day)
so what it boils down to for me: ask him if the military is the problem. Make him understand that you need an honest answer about that. If it’s not the problem: join!! The military is a great employer. And it will automatically solve the problem: you will be gone for good. Also in that case you know he doesn’t want to marry you. The message is clear. No room for interpretation. No need to hang around.
If the military IS the peoblem: think about it again, is it really what you want, do the pros outweighs the cons? Is there a middle ground? And then make the decision to join or not to join.
Post # 21
I am enlisting in the military, and will be shipping out to basic some time in the next six months. Being engaged/married would make military life WAY easier, and I would love to have a real commitment before not being able to see him for six or more months at a time. I do NOT want to get married for convenience, the military was a recent decision, and we have been talking about marriage far longer than I have been thinking about the military.
Why would you do this? This sounds insane. I wouldnʻt stick around either.
Post # 22
Sorry Bee — my read on yhe situation is that he was madly in love with who he perceived you to be in the limerance phase. Getting to know the REAL you better, his “ideal image” that he fell in love with is at odds with your reality.
How much of the stages of love does he know about?
I think the fact that he would prefer to break up than to get married is at least him being honest. Worse would be to marry you and then manipulate or try to change you into his ideal or the fiction he constructed of you who he wanted to propose to.
My advice: walk away.
You deserve someone who is in love with you, not their fictional version of you.
Post # 23
meshir : It just sounds like the honeymoon period wore off. I truly believe he was in love with you, but reality set in and he’s either not ready to get married or he realizes you two aren’t compatible.
It seems like you’re trying to rationalize everything to make it work with him. I personally wouldn’t stay. He can’t give you any concrete answers. Move on with your life. If he truly wants to be with you, then maybe you two can reconcile later on in life, but why put your life on hold as of right now? Why commit to someone who won’t commit to you?
Post # 24
meshir : I would not wait- I would leave. He bought the ring, which is great, but he specifically told you he may never marry you or he’d rather break up than marry you.
hes not the one.