Post # 1
Hello everyone! My boyfriend and I are both 21 years old and we’ve been dating for just about a year now. We both met online and immediately started spending all of our free time together after our first date up until he had to go on a 6 month deployment 4 months into our relationship. We have had some very rocky moments in our relationship during his deployment because of me not yet knowing how to support his emotions, and the basic struggles of long distance relationships. My boyfriend has problems with depression and I will admit that I did not support him the way he needed me to because I was unaware of how to properly support someone with depression, and he says that this made him scared to love me, and that he has not felt like I care about him, and he doesn’t even feel 100% comfortable around me even though all of this happened in December. He has hurt me multiple times before too but I was always willing to forgive and forget for the sake of our relationship, but he cannot seem to forgive me and let me fix my mistake. I have tried to fix things in between us by doing sweet things for him and making him feel how much I love him, but he shut me out and started confiding in his friends instead of me after I hurt him and he still hasn’t gotten around to loving me yet because he needs to feel emotionally supported to fall in love. We’ve been arguing about his lack of love for me because I am devistated that he doesn’t love me like I love him, but he said that he is trying to love me and I can tell that he is trying for me. I can honestly say I love him with everything in me and I would be willing to see if he gets there, but I am afraid of the possibility that he will never feel the same. Everyone says that it shouldn’t take a year to fall in love with someone, but could any of these negative factors actually have hindered his feelings? Is it too late to fix the damage that’s been done? Is waiting for him to love me worth staying for?
Post # 2
We’ve been arguing about his lack of love for me because I am devistated that he doesn’t love me like I love him, but he said that he is trying to love me and I can tell that he is trying for me.
Nope. You’re too young for this. You deserve to be spending your 20s with someone who makes you feel good. Please move on.
Post # 4
Your relationship shouldn’t be this hard. It sounds like he’s putting the blame 100% on you when emotional connectedness is a 2-way street, deployed or not, depressed or not. It’s like you’re being told that you need to “earn” his love which isn’t OK.
You’re young and the relationship is young. I’d personally leave and make myself available for something where I’d be naturally valued and loved without strings attached.
Post # 5
It definitely shouldn’t be this hard. Don’t settle for this nonsense. Time to move on.
Post # 6
Men experience depression differently than we do. You might check out some articles on the subject to get his perspective, but at the end of the day, that really isn’t on you. If you are going to have to slay his dragons at 21 imagine how hard the rest of life will be. I say that you recommend that he get some professional help….maybe you talk to someone, too as you move out of this relationship, and you move on to someone who does not need you earn his love.
Post # 7
- Wedding: February 2020 - Carlisle PA
Of course negative experiences can change the way you see a person.
I think it would be better for both of you to cut your losses and move on from this relationship entirely. December was not exactly a long time ago. You hurt him, he hurt you, and it is not healthy to sweep things under the rug for the sake of being in a relationship. Those things don’t go away, they fester. They become sentences like “well I forgave him so he should forgive me”. It isn’t supposed to be tit-for-tat like that.
Maybe at least take a break to grow as people before making a commitment to take care of one another.
Post # 8
As someone who fell in love at 17 and went through devestating arguments and moments throughout the relationship, who moved out with him and was hurt so much by him, and who spent all her energy trying and trying and arguing and fighting to be in a “healthy” relationship with him all the way to age 21….
let me just spare you the time, energy, and possibility if you yourself becoming depressed….leave. That’s it. Just leave. You’ll be okay. Especially a few months from now when you’re crushing on a new guy that may be a lot easier to love.
Post # 9
Sweet Bee I know this is difficult to hear but you need to consider moving on. You are young and deserve the love you want and deserve. Please consider ending this relationship, at least for now.
Post # 10
Sounds like at this point in life you 2 just aren’t right for each other.
Post # 11
at 21, none of this bullshit is worth it. (nor is it worth it at 31, 51, 61, or 81). You are too young to be settling and making relationship choices out of desperation.
Get out, asap.
Post # 12
What exactly do you love about him? In that very long post, you literally didn’t say one nice thing about him. All I see are reasons to cut and run.
Could it be you are more in love with the thought of love than you are with “him”? Be honest….
Post # 14
Never let someone tell you that you are in anyway responsible for their mental health. Him even implying that you not supporting him in his battle with depression when you are a kind empathetic person who I’m sure did all she could is wrong. He is setting you up to feel responsible for his emotions. You aren’t. He is. Period end of story.
Move on from this relationship and find someone who has control of their emotions, doesn’t expect their partner to take on that responsibility. Find someone who when they have a mental health issue or any other issue, are seeking treatment for it and at the very least have a functioning plan in place. Do not date someone who still doesn’t have their issues under control or managed. Someone who need this much help from their partner needs to be single. Let him go be single and do the work on himself that he so obviously needs. You can’t help him. He needs to help himself.
Post # 15
Move on. He doesn’t love you and has mental health issues that are not your responsibility to deal with even if he did. Four months in, which is all you were when he left, there should be no rocky moments. Why is this even a question?