Should I wait for him to fall in love with me?

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

You said he has hurt you multiple times. That alone is not a good relationship. You deserve someone better. 

Post # 17
Member
7318 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

It shouldn’t be this hard. You deserve better. 

Post # 19
Member
7498 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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jlaur06 :  You should still be in the honeymoon period. Not asking how to get someone who doesn’t love you to love you…

Nagging at him to love you will only make him like you less. Move on, Bee. It shouldn’t be this hard. 

Post # 20
Member
432 posts
Helper bee

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jlaur06 :  But you can’t count on him not to hurt you?

Nothing about this relationship sounds good.  I should know – I was in one like it at your age.  

I think breaking up is likely to be best for both of you.  He needs help dealing with his problems before he is able to have a good relationship.

Post # 22
Member
7498 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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jlaur06 :  You face that neither of you is making the other happy and you wish him all the best. You keep yourself busy for a while, a new project or hobby, while you process that what you miss is what you wanted to have and not what you really had. You realize while there were happy memories there were a lot of unhappy memories too. And when you are ready, and the world has righted itself, you put yourself out there again.

 

Post # 23
Member
1642 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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jlaur06 :  it’s not a stupid question at all. Right now you need to promise yourself that you are going to put yourself first. A relationship should be a good fit for both people it isn’t just about falling in love. I learned that lesson at your age the hard way. Love isn’t enough. Compatibility is the important part. Make sure you want the same things out of life, find someone who has a good character. Who is slow to anger, kind, selfless, understanding, mature. Someone who always takes responsibility for their life and their role in things. Don’t date someone who blames others for his problems. Date someone motivated to have a career. just date smarter. Go slow when you date people and really get to know them before you get emotional about them. Make sure they are a good person and a good fit for you BEFORE you fall in love. 

Post # 24
Member
1642 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I will make you this promise, there are so many people in the world. Never be afraid to move on from one person because your afraid there won’t be someone else around the corner. There will ALWAYS be someone else to date, to love. Each time you move on to a new relationship let that remind you of that fact. You will date plenty of people before you find the right guy for you. It’s ok. There were plenty of times I thought one guy was the only guy for me. And then I moved on and felt the same way about the next guy. It’s normal to feel that way. Just know that it shouldn’t stop you from moving on when the relationship isn’t working or doesn’t make you happy. My marriage makes me happy every day. You can and will find that.

Post # 25
Member
1139 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve always gotten over a break up by focusing on what I didn’t like about the person. I know it sounds shallow, but it’s always helped me. When I get to the “What was I thinking?!” point, I know I’m over it. You say he’s treated you poorly. Focus on that. I can’t tell you to go out and have fun–meet new people, obviously, so breaking up right now will be more difficult than normal due to being isolated. Do you have family and friends you can talk to, and help you get through it? Maybe online forums, like this one?  

Post # 26
Member
1155 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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jlaur06 :  you say you didnt know how to support him.  Did he tell you how he needed you to support him?  If he needs something from his partner then he has a responsibility to voice that need.  It is unfair, and frankly pretty immature, to expect your partner to “just know” what you need, especially at only 4 months in. 

If he isn’t able to accept his part in the breakdown, for lack of a better word, of your relationship then he is not a mature adult who is ready to love anybody. 

And being only 21, that doesn’t surprise me.  21 is hella young, especially for boys. They mature much later than girls.  At 21 only yourself, if you are set on finding a life partner as opposed to just dating around, I would suggest you look for a man around 26 or 27.  As a general rule a man that age will be closer to your maturity level than someone your age. 

Post # 27
Bee
5173 posts
Bee Keeper

Your relationship is a dumpster fire and the smoke is getting in your eyes. You’re 21 and he’s not the last man on earth. When it’s real you don’t have to try this hard.

Post # 28
Member
1383 posts
Bumble bee

Here is my two cents….

I truly believed I was in love when I was your age. He was so wonderful, made me laugh, was spontaneous and we had some great adventures together. We talked about everything BUT I was wearing rose coloured glasses and no one could convince me otherwise. I just didn’t see the flaws or more accurately, didn’t want to see the flaws. To me he was marvellous and the relationship just needed a little work to make it “perfect”.Over the course of the next little while I grew up and came to realise that I did indeed have blinkers on. We eventually parted, amicably. He is a nice memory but thank goodness I didn’t jump in with both feet when I initially thought he was “The One”. 

I know you do not want to hear it and that you feel no one really understands. You feel that you are the exception, as I did, but I will say it anyway. You are young. What you want or feel you need at 21, may well be not what you want at 24 or 25. It shouldn’t be this hard Bee. Really.

 

 

Post # 29
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

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jlaur06 :  It is ok to break up with someone you love. Sometimes people think their relationship has to be in the worst state it could possibly be before they leave, but that isn’t the case. There doesn’t have to be abuse, hatred, animosity or apathy. You can leave just because it isn’t a fulfilling relationship.

Just because you love him, doesn’t mean the relationship is worth fighting for. Love isn’t enough. A relationship also needs open and effective communication, mutual respect, a healthy dynamic, a willingness to face problems together, rather than treat each other as the problem. 

Your relationship may not be wanting for love on your part, but it is on his. It is also lacking many other components that make for a strong, enduring and fulfilling relationship.

Nobody has a perfect relationship, but you can and should find something that feels pretty damn near perfect. This is not it.

Post # 30
Member
432 posts
Helper bee

If it isn’t right for you, it isn’t right for him either.  When it feels hard, remind yourself that you are doing what is best for both of you.  

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