Post # 1
I have been with my SO for 3 1/2 years and lived together for 2. He is 35 and I am 27 and although we are 8 years difference we get along great and love each other deeply. He even moved to another country for me which wasn’t very easy for him. We both have stable jobs – I am about to get my phd next year and he recently got a job in a great company. So we’re pretty well off financially and thus started to look to buy an apartment. However, when we discussed how do we see our future we weren’t on the same page when it comes to marriage and kids. I personally didn’t want either until I met him and then suddenly I changed my mind. He on the other hand never wanted and still doesn’t want either. He said that he would marry me if I really wanted that but that he is not sure about the kids. He never saw himself as a father and didn’t really plan for that. He says this is the first time ever that he is even thinking about kids but he is leaning more towards not having them. When I asked him why, he said that he doesn’t think our lifestyles are compatible with kids – meaning I work a lot and I’m not really a type of girl who cleans, cooks, etc. Which is true since my focus was mostly on my career so far. I’ve been trying to explain that I would like all of that to change and that I don’t plan on working 12h/day forever. He said that he needs some time to think about it but it is really difficult for me to behave normally until he decides because I am constantly thinking about how we might break up if he decides that he’s not up for that. I’m curious about what you think. My gut tells me that he won’t change his mind because when a guy says maybe it’s usually a no, but there is a tiny part of me that’s hoping he’ll say yes. Should I wait for him or pressure him to decide? I mean, he is 35 and he should have thought about these things already.
Post # 2
- Wedding: January 2021 - City, State
He’s unlikely to go back to no kids, as much as this sucks to hear, I wouldn’t advise pressuring him or waiting around if you absolutely want kids.
Post # 3
I wouldn’t count on him changing his mind. He’s 35. He knows how he wants to live his life. There are many men out there who know that they want kids. If you definitely want kids then that is who you should be with.
Eta: you definitely shouldn’t pressure him. He’s been up front with what he’s wanted from the beginning. You are the one who changed your mind. It’s on you to decide if you can live a life with him but without kids or if you need to move on but you don’t get decide to pressure him to change his mind just because yours has.
Post # 4
He’s 35, he isn’t 20 and waiting to grow up. He doesn’t want kids. At 35 you probably arn’t his first serious relationship, these conversations would have happened before. Him starting to date you when you were 23/24 and career focus and he 31/32 ensured he was dating someone not yet at the serious mariage and kids phase of life, women his age are wanting that step.
Telling you your lifestyle isn’t conducive to kids means he doesn’t want his lifestyle to change to be conducive to kids. You not cooking and cleaning now is no indication of your future life. I didn’t go running daily or to the park before I was responsible for a dog. You want a husband that is on your team that wants to go through the journey and learn and grow as parents together. Don’t have kids with a guy that is going to resent the fact that his lifestyle has to change or one that tries to place doubt in your mothering abilities. Who is going to help you with a sick screaming infant that has an ear infection at 3am, probably not the guy that never wanted and still doesn’t want kids but had them for you.
Be careful he may say yes now to kids to avoid losing you without the intention of ever having them.
Give your kids a dad that actually wanted to be a dad!
Post # 5
elodie2019 : Just an fyi, you can want a serious marriage/relationship and not want kids. They don’t go hand in hand. OP’s boyfriend could very well be serious about marriage and just not want kids. Not everyone wants kids.
Post # 6
oceangirl40 : Agree, but that isn’t the case here. This post is about OP wanting kids and her partner not wanting kids.
She said he never wanted and still doesn’t want either. Yes, he would marry her if she really wanted that. But that’s not the same as wanting marriage. He doesnt want marriage, he would marry her.
“He on the other hand never wanted and still doesn’t want either. He said that he would marry me if I really wanted”
Post # 7
He doesn’t even want to marry you…you realize that, right? That wasnt a win for you. Because you only win if it is a win for both of you (i.e. you both want it). But that’s not what happened. What happened is he lost and gave in to what you wanted.
Do you want it to be the same way with kids even if he did say yes? Because it is going to be the same thing on the very, very off-chance he does say yes.
“I’ll do it if you really really want it.”
You want to raise kids with a guy who doesn’t really really want kids? You think your hypothetical future kids deserve to be less than fully wanted by both of their parents and be a bargaining chip where one gave in because he was too afraid to let the relationship end and find someone he is more compatible with who wants the same things he does?
Having kids and being a parent should be an enthusiastic yes from both parties, not something one is willing to do for someone else. It’s one thing if you want to accept less than for yourself and marriage and deal with the eventual resentment that will breed – that only affects you, really. It’s another thing when it involves bringing living breathing human beings into the world.
ETA: So the answer to your question is neither. You don’t wait and you don’t pressure him to decide. You move on because you are no longer compatible.
Because he was decided. It wasn’t like he wishy-washy on the whole no marriage or kids thing. So what you are asking him to decide is NOT if he wants kids. What you’re asking him to decide is if he is willing to change to be like you because you changed. And that’s not fair to ask.
Post # 8
“women his age are wanting that step”.
Yeah no. Not all women his age want kids. And He didn’t date her because of her age/stage in life, he dated her because he liked her, were compatible and were on the same page with no kids.
Post # 9
Please don’t pressure him. Look at it from his point of view. You have basically done a bait and switch on him. He uprooted his life to move to another country with a person who he thought was on the same team as him. Of course he needs time and space to think about this.
Give him time and let him come to his own opinion on the relationship and kids and when he does please respect that, even if it is not the answer you want. canonical :
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
He has told you what he wants in life. Just because you changed your mind doesn’t make it fair that you “pressure” him to want the same. You asked him again he said he would marry you “if that’s what YOU really want”, that is called a pitty proposal. You decided that you wanted to change your life plans not him. When you meet you said you didn’t want either, maybe he pursued you because of that. He finally found someone that wanted the samething that he did out of like…No marriage and no kids. Perfect. And now 3 years later Bam you change your mind. Which is fine your entitled to that. But don’t pressure him. He doesn’t want the same thing as you.
Post # 11
Yes, you should “pressure” him to decide about both kids and marriage so that you can make decisions about YOUR future accordingly.
It is wrong to pressure someone else to have kids. It isn’t wrong to pressure the person to make a decision one way or the other whether he will have children with you. Especially at your ages and several years into a relationship.
Post # 12
j_jaye : NOT ALL WOMEN WANT TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS!! OP does!
That was poor word choice on my part. Step, wasn’t meant to mean both marriage and kids. Most 30-35 year old women are at a different phase of life than they were at 24. Of course not everyone wants to get married and not everyone who wants to get married wants kids.
At 24 a lot of people arn’t at a place in their life to be making those choices, it’s not something they have seriously considered, they are going to school or focused on their careers. So yes her age, did have something to do with their compatability because had they met now, at 27, she wants those things and he doesnt.
Most 30-35 year old women know what they want! The majority I know don’t start serious relationships at that age with men who never want to get married. And we are on a wedding site, so I am assume most people here want to or are gettting married. Me dating at 24, the question would never have even come up and honestly I wouldn’t have cared what he said cause I wasn’t ready for any of that so it didn’t matter.
It wasn’t meant to be a slight to the OP. At 24 she didn’t think she wanted to get married or have kids, at 27 she does. It’s perfectly understandable. She grew up and her opinions changed, just like most of ours do! They say your brain isnt even fully developed till 26. If he was 20 and didn’t want marriage or kids, like her, he might change his mind. At 35, he knows what he wants.
Post # 13
canonical : Listen to the advice you’ve been given here! He does not want to get married or have kids. He told you that from the beginning and based on where you were at at that stage in your life you also told him you didn’t want kids. Now you’ve gotten older and you realize children is how you see your future. That happens for SO many women.. There’s nothing wrong with changing your mind. What there IS something wrong with, is sticking around in a relationship where your partner doesn’t want the same future – just hoping that he changes his mind. Like others already touched on, he’s in his mid 30’s. This isn’t some fresh out of college 22 year old who isn’t ready to settle down. He knows what he does (and doesn’t) want. Unfortunately what he doesn’t want is a marriage and children. Sure he would marry you if you really wanted, but do you want to be married to someone who is only going through with it to pacify you and hope that will make you content?
Post # 14
This situation sucks all around. You both were compatible when you first met, but as you have matured you have changed your mind in wanting marriage and kids.
Unfortunately I think you’re gonna have to let him go as you are now incompatible and it would be foolish to try to get him to bend to what you suddenly now want.
Post # 15
I have a friend who is 40 and has always said he doesn’t want marriage or children. He had a long term relationship in his 20s that was based on that. He was very happy with his decision.
At 39 he met his current girlfriend and he’s fallen hard. He’s moved in with her (something he’s never done before) she said up front she wants marriage and kids, she is 35. He’s been clear that he never wanted children, but now he’s considering changing his mind. He is weighing up life without her vs life with her with kids. She’s given him until the end of the year to decide. He knows it’s a deal breaker for her but he is considering it. He’s never even done that for anyone else