Should I wait for my partner to decide whether he wants kids?

posted 4 months ago in No Kids
Post # 16
Member
883 posts
Busy bee

canonical :  I’m 43, and I was born without a biological clock. I would be irritated if my SO ignored my lack of desire to become a mom, and kept pestering me about it. Should you pressure him? No. He doesn’t want kids, and it appears he’s been quite clear about that. Could he change his mind? Possibly, but don’t count on it. I wouldn’t purchase an apartment with someone whose lifestyle appears to be on a different course than mine. 

Post # 17
Member
9718 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

The last line of your post is so dismissive. He clearly has thought about marriage and children and decided no to both. You are the one who changed your mind. I’m sure he’s upset and doesn’t want to end the relationship so the maybe and thinking about it isn’t because he hasn’t about thought it before but because you changed your mind and he’s probably trying to figure out if there’s a compromise or he could be more open to it not him thinking about it for the first time ever.

Post # 18
Member
10 posts
Newbee

100% this would be a dealbreaker for me as I always knew I wanted kids. Good luck. Know you’re young and can have a family and happiness with or without him.

Post # 19
Member
4183 posts
Honey bee

I dont think he’s a good candidate for marriage and children. It sounds like you’d have to drag him along to (maybe!) get what you want. At that point it’s not worth the effort. 

Post # 20
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

On our first date, my husband told me he will never get married and had a vasectomy in his twenties. I was freaked out because I was already 33 and didn’t feel like I could waste time if I wanted kids. However, I was so happy and our relationship was amazing. We were married a year and a half later (with zero pressure on my part) and we now have a 2-year-old daughter (after a really expensive vasectomy reversal). Now he cannot imagine life without us.  It turns out that his terrible childhood made it hard for him to believe that he could ever have a stable family life. I would suggest couples counseling to see if there is an underlying issue preventing him from being open to these things. I will say that being in a financial position to get a nanny or have help cleaning your home is a huge plus. My situation is probably rare, but never say never. Good luck! 

Post # 21
Member
341 posts
Helper bee

I don’t want kids and I would never go to couples counciling to find out if I have “underlying issues” causing it.  How insulting.  This guy doesn’t want kids and has told you that from day one.  You’re the one that baited and switched him.  Move on!

Post # 22
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

canonical :  ok I don’t want to get your hopes up, but my SO was 38 when I met him and completely on the fence about having kids. In fact he said he hadn’t ever really thought about it and that, if anything, he was more leaning towards “no” rather than “yes”. He was a bit of a Peter Pan. And given that he’d had other long term relationships, I was  like “how are you only giving this serious thought now?!!!!WTH?”. 

We broke up. I was determined not to spend time with someone who wasn’t on the same page. I was 34 and the clock was ticking man! We got back together after a week because we really missed each other and, after this point, I think he realised that if he wanted to be with me, a baby was something I wasn’t prepared to give up. I didn’t pressure him. I just made it clear that a family was non-negotiable so I suggested we take 6 months to keep dating and for him to really think about it, no pressure. 

Well, we had a baby and he is the best dad. He adores his child and wants another. He says he just didn’t know any kids and didn’t really know what being a dad would be like, but he loves it. So I’m going to suggest that you give your guy some breathing space, with zero pressure, but come to terms with the fact that he may not want kids. And if he decides that, it will be really challenging, but then you will both be in the position to find someone who has the same goals in life. 

Its a really tough place to be in. I hope things work out either way. 

Post # 23
Member
4183 posts
Honey bee

So he says he’ll marry you if you really want it.  Translation:  He doesn’t want to get married and you’ll have the devil’s own time trying to pressure him into it. As for children, he knows he doesn’t want kids and he’s allowed to feel this way. This is not going to magically change. You have two choices, stay unmarried and childless or leave in search of greener pastures. My sister found herself in this situation and she left and was ultimately glad she did. Your need to figure out what’s most important to you. 

Post # 24
Member
970 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Can we stop perpetuating the stereotype that people who don’t want kids are Peter pan types who just don’t want to grow up?  I’ve seen it a couple of times on this thread (obviously not by everyone) and IRL.  My husband and I both own our own home, have jobs and family and responsibilities.  Some people just don’t want kids and that doesn’t mean it’s because they never thought about it,  or are scared of responsibility or whatever.   OP, you have incompatible life goals.  Your so doesn’t need counseling or time or pressure to figure out what he wants.  He knows what he wants, it’s just not what you want.  

Post # 25
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee

What I found interesting and confusing is that you said you never wanted kids *until* you started dating this guy, but now him not wanting kids could be a dealbreaker. My husband and I both got sterilized (me at 30 and him at 33). But I can also say that of every guy I’ve ever dated or even known for that matter, he is the only one I would have ever considered having kids with. He’s just an amazing partner and so incredibly patient. Do you think your change of heart could have been because he’s a good partner to you, and are you willing to trade this relationship in order to find someone who wants kids? I’m so thankful my husband and I are in agreement about not wanting kids, but I dated a lot of guys who did want them. The thing is, even though they wanted kids, I would never have considered having kids with any of them (even if that was something I wanted) for a variety of reasons: not helping with house chores, none of them helping with cooking, lack of patience, poor communicators, etc. Have you also considered what you would do if you and this man couldn’t have kids, like not able to have them biologically? Would you throw tens of thousands of dollars towards IVF? What if that still doesn’t work? Is being a parent now so important that you’d be willing to adopt and raise a child that’s not biologically yours? Considering these questions can be really helpful and would be good to talk about. I broke up with one guy when he told me that he wanted two kids, maybe as many as four and that he would adopt them if he couldn’t have them. I was still slightly on the fence about kids then but knew I had less than zero interest in adopting (for personal reasons) and that we just were not on the same page about this.

If having kids is now essential for you, you are still young enough to find and marry someone else. But like you and some other people have mentioned, at 35, he’s thought about this. I think men are more likely to be fence sitters than women, but I still generally believe that if he’s saying he doesn’t want kids, you should trust him. Ending a relationship sucks, but being in a relationship where your partner resents you or your child sucks way more. 

Post # 26
Member
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

When I met my husband he told me he never wanted to get married, but meeting me changed that and we were married after two years of dating (without me pressuring him). He also never wanted kids, I have gone back and forth with wanting them for the past ten years. I did tell him early on that if he wasn’t even open to the idea of having children we should break up, he has come around to the idea but we’re both still not sure. We have set a timeline that we need to figure out within the next two years (due to our age-31) if we will have children. 

I really don’t think my husband wants kids but would do it for me, but I’m not even sure I want them so our situation  works I guess.

if you are dead set on having children I don’t think I would wait around hoping he would change his mind. If I had been dead set on having children I likely would have ended it with my husband when we first talked about it early on while we dated.

you shouldn’t have to give up having kids and he shouldn’t be pressured into having them. 

canonical :  

Post # 27
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

It sounds like he made up his mind and told you the answers quite clearly. I’m not sure what you’re waiting for. 

Post # 28
Member
2473 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

canonical :  Should you wait or pressure him? Umm no. You said he has already had time to decide these things. HE DID. He told you he doesn’t want to get married or have kids. The ball is in your court now. 

Post # 30
Member
2473 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Anonymous1063 :  wtf? No it’s not okay for her to pressure him so she can make a decision for her life. He didn’t change his mind SHE did so that’s on her. She already knows where he stands and he has made it very clear. If he gives in to her it’s probably because he already uprooted his life to be with someone he thought was compatible and wanted the same things as him. What a pity it would be for the children who are not actually wanted and for OP to have a pity marriage just because she couldn’t move on and find someone more compatible with her wants. 

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