(Closed) Should I walk away?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
4998 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@ErinC6:  That’s what I’m wondering! Where does the money go?

Post # 18
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

It seems like you’ve alreayd tried a lot of the things that can help. Really the only solution I see left is one that some friends of mine use. It’s pretty extreme, and I don’t know if it would work for you but, it’s worth considering.

Basically T is really responsible with money and A is really not. They both recognize this. So they agreed that T would be responsible for all money management. Both their paychecks go into an account that only T has access to. T pays all bills for both of them. A does not have a credit card, so he isn’t tempted. A does have a pay-as-you-go card that T puts money on every other week (I think he has it set up to happen automatically). A can use this money for lunches and clothes and any personal expenses. If he uses it all in the first week, he has to brown bag the second week. But even if he spends it all on stupid stuff the first day, they’re still going to pay their bills and not starve.

If I didn’t know them personally, I would say that it would never work, but I’ve know them for years and it works great for them. But it really only works if your guy recognizes how bad he is with money and is willing to turn the reins over to you. It also only works if you’re willing to take on that responsibility. 

I don’t know if that might work for you guys, but I thought I would put it out there. Beyond that I can’t think of many solutions other than parting ways.

Post # 19
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Walking away seems like the best idea. Differences in how to manage finances leads to a lot of divorces, and when you couple that with the fact that he’s cancelled your wedding date multiple times b/c he can’t make a commitment it pretty much guarentees divorce or an unhappy marriage. He doesn’t seem to think there is anything wrong with his spending habits and you cannot change someone who doe snot want to change.

Post # 20
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@so37jd:  Im sorry but that would def be a deal breaker for me. Once you are married he will expect to spend not only his money but yours too and you will both end up in the poor house!! Get out while you can.

Post # 21
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yah, i hate to agree with the PP’s and i know 6 years is a long time….

But you’re 23!!!!!!!!! You have your whole life ahead of you! And if he hasn’t pulled himself together by now, he won’t.

When I met my Fiance he was 7k in debt and depressed and living in a dive basement suite.  Ove the last 6 years he pulled himself out of debt, saved enough that we bought a condo together and are now saving for our wedding.  People can change, but if he hasn’t in 6 years then i fear he never will.  You need to find someone you can be on the same page with. Or someone who’s inspired by you to make a change.

Post # 22
Member
8439 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@so37jd:  My husband had a spending problem when I met him.  He would impulsively spend when he was stressed or feeling upset and was slowly getting more and more in debt with credit cards.  He would constantly pay bills late, spend money before he had it, and had no savings.  At first I thought it would be a dealbreaker for me, but since then, we’ve resolved the problem.  I control our finances completely, he gets a spending allowance every paycheck, and the rest goes to bills, savings, retirement, etc.  It works brilliantly for us and we never fight about money. 

I am not saying that this is the solution for you, but it’s simply the experience that I had.  I think that being open and communicating with each other to resolve problems is the key to a successful relationship.  No person is perfect, so you have to choose what is a fixable/manageable problem for you and what isn’t.  No matter what decision you come to, I wish you the best of luck with everything.

Post # 24
Member
1226 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@so37jd:  In that case, and the fact that he keeps pushing the date, I understand your stance on it. I agree with walking. 6 years is plenty of time to get your act together, people rarely change though.

Like others have mentionned, you are very young still and have so much time to meet a man that is more financially responsible :).

If he was ”the one”, you wouldn’t even be considering this I bet 😉

Post # 25
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@so37jd:  He is military. If he lives in the barracks he should be eating for free at the DEFAC. If he is eating out everyday then over course he isnt going to have any money. If you eat out every day, three times a day, at a minimum your spending 30.00 a day. Add in alcohol, cigaretts and energy drinks and any other purchases and that will take down a paycheck.

I would suggest he at at the DEFAC every day. At least two meals a day. He would save the money.

As far as the PX goes, its great because its tax free. However its usually higher priced to begin with.

I know all of this cause I was a soldier and Im married to a soldier now. If he needs snacks for his barracks room then he should be going to the commissary where its cheaper and they have better bargains.

If he isnt willing to do those things then you definitely need to walk away. Also, his CoC will do a yearly financial review. If he fails that he can be separated from the military for financial misconduct. Doesnt happen to often but considering that we are on a draw down and they are separating soldiers daily he could face a general discharge or a dishonorable discharge and if that happens, he wont be able to get a job afterwards.

Post # 26
Member
3208 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Financial compatibility is a really important aspect of a successful marriage. You don’t necessarily need the same spending habits, but you definitely do need unified goals. The fact that he continues to be irresponsible with money despite your help means that he doesn’t want to change. Sometimes people are financially irresponsible because they just don’t know any better, and in that case, you work on it. But in your case, I’d cut my losses and move on. 

I know it almost seems like a business decision, but think about the rest of your life, and the fact that it’s only going to become a more pronounced problem once you’re married and/or have kids. Then his debt becomes your problem as well.

Post # 27
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Walk away while you can. One, he couldn’t commit. He did this multiple times to you, I can’t imagine how painful that must have been. That right there would have broken me down. If he asked you to marry him he should have wanted to marry you back if not then what is the point? He should have been honest and admitted he wasn’t ready to commit, he had multiple chances to say so. Two, the money thing is a deal breaker. Yes people change and get their stuff together financially all the time but they do it when they want to do it for themselves. You have done alot and tried hard to help him but he needs to help himself. 

To me it seems he hasn’t seen a future together, if you guys were trying to save for a place together he should have been excited and done everything he could to make that dream come true. Like get his finances together, marry you, and gotten that money saved to live together. 

Post # 28
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@so37jd:  If you have already put in the effort and he has not its sad but its time to leave. A relationship and more importantly a marriage takes two people giving it all they have in the moment. It doesn’t seem that he is able to do that

Post # 29
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@UberClaire & @MrsWBS This exactly.

Sorry OP, my vote is time to move on. You can do much much better than this.

Post # 30
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@so37jd:  My hubby is military and has alot of the same problems, we saw financial counselors from the military. But let me tell you a sad sad story. When i was two and my sister was four we desperately wanted a toy car to ride around in. The toy cost about 30$ ( granted this was 21 years ago but still 30$ wasnt too much then) BECAUSE my father was financially irresponsible they couldnt afford it. My dad felt so bad he went and bought it anyway which threw my parents into debt badly at the time. Fast forward 21 years, my father is still financially irresponsible, yes they make most of their bills and we always had a roof and food but my parents are badly in debt.  My mother has private bank accounts and cash hidden away form him. Its miserable, you don’t want that life. I’m not saying don’t go through with the wedding but I am saying think about it, and try to get a financial counselor to sit down and talk to both of you

Post # 31
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

That is really tough, I am actually in the exact opposite situation as you. I make slightly more money than my Boyfriend or Best Friend and am (admittedly) not awesome with it. I spend way more than I should and do a ton of impulse buying I probably shouldn’t. HOWEVER, I am 100% open with my Boyfriend or Best Friend about it because it affects both of us. He even has my credit cards so if I need one I have to tell him what I want it for lol and if it’s something impulsive he will make me talk about it first!! He’s so much more responsible and it’s HELPFUL!! I don’t see the reason for being sneaky about it if the person on the other end is understanding!! Maybe just try to have one more talk with him and if things don’t improve it might be in your best interest to cut your losses. If you get married and something happens to him you will be responsible for his debt and if he isn’t honest with you about it it can blindside you. I’ve worked in banking for a long time and I’ve seen this happen to unsuspecting husbands and wives, liens get placed on YOUR joint accounts. It’s a nightmare. I’m sorry you’re in this situation but I would maybe just try to sort it out before you get married & if you can’t call it off. Good Luck!

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