Post # 1
He said I’m the one, bought the ring, but wants to date awhile before proposing…?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a short while, but we became serious quickly. We are both 31, never married, no children, and had been single for a few years prior to meeting eachother. He said he knew I was the one after the first week, and we exchanged “I love you’s” after two weeks. I was shocked at how quickly I fell for him. He wanted to spend all of his time with me and frequently checked in during the work day. We cook dinner together every night, have a joint checking account, and joint cell phone plan. He has initiated all major milestones in our relationship.
We started discussing marriage, life after marriage, the location for our small wedding, and rings. He moved into my apartment complex once his lease was up, and we decided that I would extend my lease by 6 months and move in with him after our marriage in October of 2012. We are both Christians, and have chosen not to live together or have sex before marriage.
Last week, he wanted to go ring shopping. He bought the first ring I tried on, and I bought his wedding band. He wanted us to wear the rings and started calling me his wife. He even told a server at the restaurant that we had just gotten married.
We both have insecurities, and my boyfriend sometimes says he is afraid I will leave him. I am woring on my graduate degree, and he works in road construction. He has told me that he don’t want me to work after we get married. He told me early in the relationship that I should not wear makeup because I look better without it, and that other guys check me out more when I don’t wear makeup (He gets upset when guys stare at me). I wore makeup on Monday and Tuesday (first time in weeks) and on Tuesday night, I was joking with him on when he is going to propose. He has been saying that he wishes we were already married. But on Tuesday night, he knows I am the one, he wants us to keep wearing the rings, but he wants to date longer before proposing. He said that the ring lets other guys know I am taken. He said that he does not know when he will propose, but he is afraid I will leave him if he doesn’t ask soon. I said I am not going to wear the ring until after he asks. He said he needed time, so I gave him time. He came back 15 minutes later and said he still wants to marry me in October, and he was sorry for confusing me.
I don’t want to pressure him about what is going on, but those mind games are making me impatient, especially when we have the rings. I am really questioning the character of a man who would buy a ring, want me to wear it, but not propose and cause this drama. But I am also qustioning what is wrong with me. I know that me and him both have issues, and I am going to counseling for mine, but he doesn’t believe in counseling and will not go. I am at a loss on what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. 🙂
Post # 3
@mystic01: I’m going to be 100% honest here, so I hope it doesn’t seem harsh, but he seems to be very possessive and jealous. I see lots of red flags (dictating what you wear for makeup, saying you cannot work when you are married, possessive and afraid you will leave if you aren’t wearing a ring, playing “wife and husband” game, etc).
I think you need to re-evaluate the relationship and think long and hard about what is going to come next. I also think he needs to seek therepy to discuss his anxiety around you leaving him.
You seem like a smart, strong woman and I would be afraid that these insecurities he has will only grow as you do unless he starts to control you. As a wife, you need a partner, not a father-figure.
Post # 4
Maybe I’m reading waaaaaaaaaaay too much into this, and I hope I’m not offending anyone, I just want to be honest about what stood out to me immediately in your post. The fact that he got serious real quick, checks in with you throughout the workday, doesn’t want you to work after you get married, doesn’t want you wearing makeup and doesn’t like other guys looking at you, and is afraid of you leaving him… those could be signs of a huge insecurity problem, but can also be signs of someone who is posessive. I think taking some time to get to know him more might be a good idea. I could totally be way off base, though, and misinterpreting what you wrote. I know not everything is ominous, but my perspective is based on past experience, so I’m just saying I support waiting a little longer before getting married.
Post # 5
Yeah, this is wierd to me. Just the way he’s acting about the commitment… I’d be questioning his character too.
From a financial standpoint, if you’re not committed, does it make sense to have joint accounts? Fiance & I have been together almost 11 years and we don’t have joint accounts – it was not something we were interested in doing without a legal bond.
Also @takemyhand‘s very good points.
Does he think those things (makeup, other people looking at you, etc) are going to magically change when you’re married? Or does he expect he’ll have more of a say over them when you do?
Post # 6
Wow. I have to tell you that I see a LOT of red flags in what you wrote. A LOT of them. There are many things about your story that would cause me to want to take a big step back and give this relationship some time to sort itself out before I would ever consider marrying him.
I think it’s great that you’re going to counseling. Since you noted that you are a Christian and are committed to having a God-honoring relationship, I hope that your counselor is also a Christian and that he or she can help you sort though some of these issues. I honestly am concerned that your S.O. would refuse to go to counseling. That does not speak well of his willingness to consider counseling in the future once he is married.
Whether he totally, consciously realizes he is doing it or not, your S.O. is also trying to control and manipulate you. That is not good or healthy. As I’m sure you know, God, in His Word, has a clearly defined order for marriage, and a controlling or manipulative man would be a disaster-waiting-to-happen as a Christian husband (or any type of husband, regardless of his faith or lack thereof.)
It also concerns me that the two of you are so overly invested in this relationship right now, in terms of having a joint checking account and a joint cell phone plan. That makes trying to take a step back and sort these issues out more challenging.
I would strongly encourage you to talk with both your counselor and your pastor about all of this to see what advice they are able to give to you.
Post # 7
Thanks for everyone’s honesty so far.
I have also thought about all of the above. My younger brother has told me that I am too good for this guy, and he sees me repeating our parent’s relationship. My boyfriend does not like it when I talk to my brother, and has even blamed him for some of our problems, although my brother lives 1200 miles away. My brother met him and liked him, until he heard about some of the above. I know my brother is young and depends on me for money (so has an agenda of some sorts), but he is the only one close to me who has seen the relationship up-close.
Thanks for the honsty– its somewhat embarrasing as an independent woman to confide in people I know about these things.
Post # 8
I agree with all the comments.. Red flags..
You just have to seriously ask yourself if this is how you want to spend the rest of life. He seems controlling, sorry to speak bluntly. I think maybe you should work on the relationship and figure out what BOTH of your goals are and BOTH come to an agreement.
Hope you figure it out!!
Post # 9
=o/ The more I read, the more I dislike. He’s trying to separate you from a family member, and has control of your finances even though you don’t even live together. He also doesn’t want you to put this hard-earned degree to use after you get married. This is not love, it’s control. And to be blatantly honest, it sounds an awful lot like how abusive relationships start out. Please continue with counseling and stay safe – waiting a little longer to get married never hurt anyone.
Post # 10
Sorry, I don’t have anything new to add to this, but I also had the same gut reaction when reading your story. At first it seemed sweet, but as you read it starts becoming a little alarming. Your boyfriend certainly seems to want to control many aspects of your life, which is not okay. Also, it seems like he wants the outward appearance of marriage without actually doing the work to propose and start planning a wedding. Personally, I feel like these are issues that get blown up even further when you eventually become married and no longer have a recourse. I would definitely take a step back and reevaluate your relationship.
Post # 11
I agree that you should be concerned. I’m not sure how long you have been together, but I honestly think it takes awhile to fully “know” someone. I do have friends that are happy with people they did not date forever before getting married, but IMO it takes people awhile to fully be themselves and figure out if someone is capatible or not. If I were you, I would explain your concerns and perhaps work on the relationship and any issues you may have before getting more serious about getting married. Best of luck!
Also, from one graduate degree holder to another….. I think you more than deserve to use it after all the hard work!! That’s your decision – not anyone else’s!
Post # 12
@mystic01: I just want to add something. I also am a Christian woman who chose to wait a long time for God’s best for my life, and I know how challenging it can sometimes be for Christian women to meet Godly men of character and integrity who truly share their Christian values and beliefs. I am older than you are, and I recall being in my 30s, when most of the Christian men I knew were already married. The few who weren’t married were either great catches who just felt that they had not yet met “the one” or were guys who were known in church circles as being (and I almost hate to say these words) socially awkward and having issues.
I’m not saying that you are “settling” for this guy, since I do not know you, but please make sure that you’re not holding onto this relationship because you haven’t yet met anyone “better,” and you don’t want to end up being a Christian single for another decade. I actually broke an engagement when I was 30 (to a really great guy, but I came to realize that he was not God’s plan for my future husband.) It took MANY more years, but, in my 40s, I finally met and married Darling Husband. He was worth the wait!! 🙂
Post # 13
I agree with everyone. This guy has some issues and I wouldn’t get yourself in a situation where you lose anymore of your freedom or independence from this guy. I’d make sure and take it extra slow before you marry this guy.
Maybe he’s in such a hurry to rush this and marry you so you don’t have time to see his true colors before it’s too late.
Post # 14
This sounds really, really scary to me. He’s already taken over your financial independence with joint accounts and then he doesn’t want you to work– you will never have a way out if he gets more possessive and more jealous.
You deserve someone who is confident and who trusts you without controlling you.
Post # 15
I’m with all of the other PPs and don’t have a lot to add.
Being in a relationship like this doesn’t make you any less intelligent. When we are in love we don’t always make decisions our rational minds would make.
Post # 16
I agree with a lot of the advice you’ve been getting. There are some profoundly worrying warning flags here.
First, the whole wanting to wear your wedding rings and telling a stranger that you’d just gotten married/calling you his wife thing is extremely odd.
Second, proposals should be made (and accepted) when both parties are totally confident of their future together and their commitment to one another. His anxiety over the possibility that you might leave him and his hesitance about proposing both tell me that he’s not ready to be engaged, let alone married. Why do you think he feels so much pressure to move quickly and is so convinced that you’re likely to leave him?
Third, his hostility toward your brother and his attempts to control you are chilling. These are almost certainly early warning signs of something much bigger. You’re not even engaged yet and he’s already trying to isolate you and dictate your appearance and whether or not you’ll work after marriage. How will things look a few years down the road when you live with him and are legally and spiritually bound to him?
Fourth, you mention that he has blamed your brother for some of your relationship problems. What kinds of problems do you guys have? The first couple of years of a healthy relationship should be pretty smooth sailing, and you say you’ve only been dating a short while.
Bottom line: Do not pressure him for a proposal. Don’t be in a hurry at all. Take your time, and pray, and go to counselling, and really think carefully about whether spending the rest of your life with this man is a wise choice.