(Closed) Should my boyfriend be making me pay rent?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 166
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

in my opinion, it is fair for you to be paying rent as well as paying for dinner and other expenses once in a while, I don’t think that just because your boyfriend has more money he should be paying for everything. I make more money and have larger savings than my Fiance, however we still share expenses

Post # 167
Member
10 posts
Newbee

duchessgummybunns:  Brilliantly said! Except we may have to agree to disagree with the family part – let’s face it, most of the time family get involved when they see an unfair situation arise (usually) which causes them concern and this is (was) no exception. Once again, if I may reiterate to those who keep saying this is an old thread – yes it is, but the problem is ongoing and global.

Post # 168
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

fromtxwithlove:  I wasn’t presenting it as a cut and dried situation. The thing is that when you have the same person providing everything like that, there is a different dynamic in the relationship. I (personally) believe it’s a red flag to be the person benefitting someone else in that many ways. Nothing wrong with giving someone your all when you’re married, but she was doing this as an unengaged, unmarried partner and paying rent. And there’s nothing wrong (IMO) with paying rent To your bf’s place. I think there’s something wrong with this particular situation as a sum of its parts.

However I believe they ended up getting married and all that and so it probably worked for her. 

 

Post # 169
Member
1703 posts
Bumble bee

duchessgummybunns:  

“The benefit of your constant company and getting to sleep with you every night”…unless she is a prostitute, you have got to be kidding me! 

 

 

Post # 170
Member
10 posts
Newbee

ct2015:  No need to get personal, not than I’m affected by that anyway if I’m honest. OK – He is her boss, he is paying her and she is giving back to him part of her wage. He is earning way more than her. I do think she should be paying utilities and sharing household costs – I didnt say she shouldn’t be doing that, I said she should not be paying rent when the mortgage is covered. I currently earn three times more than my partner and initially he stayed with me rent free because I personally found it unfair to charge him when I can afford it. He now shares all costs because it makes him feel better. At the end of the day, it’s the home owner’s and their partner’s choice how the finances are split, but this guy, I feel is expoilting her. Simple.   

Post # 171
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Maybe there is a compromise??  Maybe you can pay him the rent, but all that money instead goes into a fund you can you for a wedding, honeymoon, starting life together.  I wouldn’t feel right paying him money to go towards his equity on a house you have no claims for, but if the money went towards something or both of you it makes a lot more sense.   

I was in a similar financial situation as you when I first moved in with my now husband (then boyfriend).  We were renting, and even though it was a struggle for me financially, we split the rent.  He would have been happy to pay for it all, but it made me feel good to contribute.  Once we were engaged we decided to combine our bank accounts.  That is how both of our parents have done it (both happily married) and we wanted to share our money once we married, but decided that doing it during engagement gave us extra time to save money together for our future.  Every couple handles money differently- there isn’t a “right way.”  BUT- money is an important topic and you should definitely discuss now how it will work during engagement and marriage for you guys and come up with a solution you are both happy with.   

Post # 172
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: South Lodge. 2nd of Dec 2017

DeathByDesign:  ohh hard one, when my fi moved in with me he didn’t pay rent, he paid for all the food shopping, now when I mentioned this to friends they were like… What he earns a fortune and that’s it.  Well no actually when we goes away he pays for everything, when we go out for dinner he always pays, now we live in our Joint house my fiancé pays for everything, I put my half down as the cash deposit on the house, in my view it’s swings and roundabouts neither if you should have a financial expectation of the other, my only two questions would be the money he gets from you and the lodgers is he making money off you, harsh especially as you have no legal rights to the house, it is his house.  Lastly what are his expectations once your married, it’s a partnership and that means whatever works for you both is acceptable.

Post # 173
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

tobefair:  I said it because people are asking OP questions as if the thread is current and she’ll answer. Normally bees will start a new post to discuss a topic like this.

Post # 174
Member
1703 posts
Bumble bee

tobefair:  So then she should get another job (even though this post is years old and irrelevant)…her working for him it totally irrelevant to their personal lives…I would agree with you IF the amount she was being asked to pay was significant, but $650/month is NOTHING for all those things included…it sounds like he WAS taking into consideration both of their financial situations.

Every couple can handle their finances how ever they see fit – just don’t EXPECT someone else to pay your way…with regards to having a boyfriend live rent free because you earn more – I have been in those shoes – I have done EXACTLY what you did (same logic)…then we broke up…and I started thinking about all the things he had spent money on that only benefited him…the fact of the matter – an adult’s living expenses are THEIR responsibility – BEFORE cars, trips, dining out, clothes, etc…it is a responsibility and part of being an adult…I am glad your boyfriend had the self respect to change that situation because I think you may have felt a little less generous if the relationship didn’t work out…there is a saying – “you don’t divorce the same person you marry”…that is usually true when most relationships end…

Also, again, DATING is very different than MARRIAGE …

Post # 175
Member
543 posts
Busy bee

“The benefit of your constant company and getting to sleep with you every night”

She’s receiving the same benefit in this case, no? 

Post # 176
Member
10 posts
Newbee

ct2015:  I was married for 20 years and I know about marriage and dating. I personally have always worked and contributed and I totally agree with much of what you’ve said in the last reply. She does sound as though she’s (and we are actually using this lovely lady as an example to HELP OTHERS here!!) having trouble asserting her independence, that I agree on 100% and no matter what gender, exploitation in a relationship and marriage is very common all over the world. There are many avenues she could take to halt the problem and you did very well by suggesting she get another job, maybe a better paid one at that.  As for my love, it’s most definitely the respect and he is not a ‘taker’ in any sense. Like most home-owners, I decided to ‘invite’ him to stay with me with my eyes wide open. I am a hard realist. When I first lost my husband I was very vulnerable and got scammed – it’s not a gender specific problem either, there are female scammers! I’m not necessarily stating that this guy is a fleecer, but maybe slightly mistrusting of her. With all due respect, he may even know stuff about her we don’t! But she seems not to be here to defend herself, so with that in mind, I’ve decided to say no more about the subject.  

Post # 177
Member
10 posts
Newbee

EllyAnne:  Ahh… OK thanks for the info. I also noticed though that weddingbee close threads, and for some reason (and now I see what that reason is), theyve decided to keep it open. I hope I/we have helped others by reopening it (and not freaked people out too much!).

Post # 178
Member
2495 posts
Buzzing bee

ct2015:  hahaha I didn’t mean “sleep” as in sex! My post was incredibly stream of conscious. In my relationship, I sleep better alone and I enjoy having my own place so it would actually be a bit of a compromise on my part to move in. My SO is the one who loves being able to fall asleep cuddling and wake up to me. I sleep better on my own. I’ve been staying at his place a lot lately and he has mentioned multiple times that he loves coming home to me (I get home earlier) and loves getting to fall asleep with me.

Post # 179
Member
2495 posts
Buzzing bee

tobefair:  No, I definitely think the family has every right to be concerend – that’s kind of their job! I’m just saying that at some point, she has to set boundaries with them and let them know not to disrespect their MUTUAL agreement to arrange things like this. Once she’s had time to fully think out their concerns and talk it over with her guy and decide she is 100% on board. At that point, their concern should stop. She has given them reassurance that it’s a plan she likes and she’s not being taken advtage of and they need to respect her and him and their relationship enough to stop the bad talk. 

Post # 180
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I think I would rather pay a set amount rather than say I’ll pay utilities, groceries, etc. You would have to pay rent regardless somewhere and if you feel that is a good deal (which it probably is in any major city) and it isn’t causing you financial problems tell your friends/family to butt out. I would be more interested in having a discussion about how you will share finances when married. 

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