Post # 1
My mother and I have had a tumultuous relationship, to say the least. Since I was a child she’s always been hard on me about my weight and intelligence (grades), criticizing both in unhealthy ways. She’s also been very possessive of me, becoming very defensive/abrasive whenever a new person enters my life whom I become close to. Things calmed down between us for several years…until I met my now-fiancé. He’s wonderful, unbelievably loving, supportive, and my best friend. A great match for me. My mother is the only person who has ever had issues with him and has alienated him our entire 5-year relationship.
This all came to a head after we got engaged last year and I finally confronted my mother about her treatment of the man I love. My relationship with her imploded. It’s taken a year but we’re a little better, my mom has admitted to her poor behavior and wanting to have a relationship with my fiancé (although a large part of me thinks she’s just saying this to stop fighting with me). We are talking again, but are still very distant and formal with each other.
So, my conundrum: my father won’t be walking me down the aisle (he’s performing the ceremony). I was originally thinking of having my cousin, who’s like a brother to me, walk me down but now I’m pondering the idea of both him and my mom walking me. I want to offer an olive branch to her, making her a part of this big step, but ONLY if she is now in support of my new life and partner. How should I go about this? Should I offer her the option but tell her if she truly isn’t in support of us it would be best if she simply watches as a guest? Should I just forget it and have my cousin walk me down? Will I regret it if my mom isn’t beside me, or relieved to not have my relationship’s antagonist in such an important role?
Post # 2
I think only you can really decide. But I do not see why your dad still cant walk you down the aisle even though he is performing the ceremony. He can walk you up and then place your hand in your FIs and all is good.
Post # 3
I agree with PP. I don’t see why your dad couldn’t do it. He would just take his place as the officiant after walking you down the aisle.
Post # 4
I don’t see the option I would have chosen: walk by yourself.
Post # 5
Like PP’s have said, your father can still walk you down the aisle. But at the end of the day it’s your choice, and if your mother upsets you and isn’t supportive, I wouldn’t include her.
Post # 6
After reading your story I think you should choose anyone other than your mother, or walk alone like echomomm said
Post # 8
It doesn’t sound like you’d look forward to, or be comfortable with your mom walking you down the aisle. Sorry, bee :/
Post # 9
Nope. Your wedding is not the time nor place to extend an olive branch to your mother, who has been a toxic figure for most of your life. Save the olive branch for a totally low-stakes occasion, like, a casual brunch date or something.
Imagine how you would feel if you let her walk you down the aisle, and then she reverts back to her shitty ways and has a tantrum, or is rude to people, or some other inappropiate behaviour at your wedding? It will totally ruin your memory of that day. Don’t gamble on your mother’s behaviour on such a meaningful occasion. Of course people can change, but in all honesty, they usually don’t. They can maybe keep it together for a short while, in order to get what they want (like you, back in her life) and then they revert back to their abusive ways.
Post # 10
How does your Fiance feel about this?
Ultimately, it depends on his feelings but also, giving an advance olive branch to someone whose behavior hasn’t changed consistently yet is a bad idea if you’re hoping it will mend fences.
She needs to support and respect your relationship and you. For a while. Before she is given honors. People often try to do things that fit the ideal instead of what is, and later these moments of temporary delusion can come back to haunt you.
I’d walk alone, frankly.
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
I’m walking myself down the aisle. I think when you have a charged relationship with your parents, weddings can be am especially hard time. All of the family oriented traditions start to bring into focus how much you can’t rely on them for those things.
I think having no one do it is easier than having someone else. If you pick someone else – your cousin, your Maid/Matron of Honor – you are specifically NOT choosing her. She could then use this as an excuse to cause a scene or throw a fit. If you choose no one, you aren’t specifically excluding her, you are just foregoing the tradition altogether. This makes it a lot harder for her to make this choice about her.
You’re a grown woman. You’re giving yourself to your Fiance. Walk yourself down the aisle and call it a day.
Post # 12
I didn’t vote in the poll because I did not see the obvious option: walk yourself down the aisle.
As other bees have pointed out, your mother should NOT be walking you down since she’s been against the relationship for so long, and having someone else besides your parents is a little strange.
I have a great relationship with my mom, infrequently email my dad, and decided long ago (before I even dated) that I would walk myself down the aisle. It is MY decision to marry my man, and I am the one committing myself to him. No one else. Granted, I’ve always had an independent, don’t care what anyone else says, attitude since I was born, so that also attributes to it. My sister said she would do the same thing.
So, walk yourself down OR walk down with your father. I don’t think it’s a big deal if he’s not standing at the altar the whole time.
Choose whatever feels right to you! Best of luck 🙂
Post # 13
My sister walked with me and it’s a wonderful memory that I’ll treasure forever. I would hate to replace it with a memory of awkwardly walking with one of my parents. IF you want someone to walk with you, you want it to be someone you really feel comfortable with. Good luck and congratulations!
Post # 14
You don’t have to have anyone walk you down the aisle at all. No shame in walking down alone. That may solve the problem. Another idea is to have your intended walk down the aisle with you. A woman I knew did that at her wedding when I was a teenager, I thought it was a great idea.
If it was me, I would just not have anyone walk me down. Then at least you didn’t choose someone over your mom. If I had to choose from the options you suggested, I would say have both of them do it. But if your mom’s behavior in general could be a problem this won’t solve it. This is a hard one, go with what makes you most happy and comfortable. It’s your ‘walking down’, your big moment. Wish there was a easy answer, but often it’s impossible to completely satisfy some people no matter what, and if your mom is anything like mine can be, you may not be able to make her totally happy with no complaints. What does your mom want to do? Can you work out a solution with her?
Post # 15
You do not need anyone to walk you down the aisle. Choosing your mother will not solve your relationship issues and choosing your cousin will just annoy your mother.