(Closed) Should my family come?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Even though they haven’t really been there for you, I think you still need to invite them. If they don’t have any interest in it, they won’t attend. But at least you won’t always wonder what would have happened or maybe that the two families would click and all these petty happenings would be put in the past. If you don’t invite them I think it will open up more drama in your life that you and your new family don’t need. 

Post # 4
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

Sorry you are having to go through this. I know it must be hard for you. If I was you though, I would not invite them at all and I would distance myself even further from them. They are toxic. I especially wouldn’t want your dad around because of what he said… That sounds to me like your father is not exactly a nice person under the best of circumstances.

Also, I wouldn’t care how much drama it caused by not inviting them. Seems to me, there would be more drama if they showed up than there would be if they are not invited.

Post # 6
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

You know your family best. Follow your female intuition. Look at poor Mrs. Socks. I can’t imagine going through that. 

Post # 8
Member
923 posts
Busy bee

SUPER LONG RESPONSE


Sorry! 🙂

Isn’t it funny how weddings are supposed to bring out the best in people and they can actually bring out the worst? I too am going through something similar with family, however it happens to be my in-laws and I’m the one who’s hated. We’ve talked so much about what to have my SO’s family a part of and what not due to their unwelcoming and hurtful rude behavior. We even started going to a counselor so my SO and I could figure out how to handle the problem the right way. So here’s my advice to you is:

We can’t control what other people do, nor how they feel or act. All we can do is what’s best for ourselves. Family is a wonderful thing, but sometimes it gets hard. Especially when children grow up and parents (and siblings for that matter) have unmet expectations of how things will be for you as an adult. Those unmet expectations of theirs can cause some funny emotions and strange hurtful actions. In no way is it your fault. It’s their deal and they need to handle those emotions appropriatly. Setting boundaries, especailly once you have children and get married, is one of the most important things to do for you and your family, and also one of the hardest. She said You’ll spend the entire 1st year of marriage, if not more, offending everyone by setting up these boundaries. Isn’t that true!! Sometimes hard decisions have to be made, and if you can get around cutting your family out of your lives that would be the best thing, but not to the extent that it harms you, your child, or your husband. They need to treat your fiance with respect, and you as well. The law will need to be layed down by you since it is your family. Your fiance saying anything will only be taken the wrong way. Write out your expectations of your family and how you and your husband and son want to be treated. Take this and have a family converstaion. They might take it well or they might not, but either way they’ll know the law. It’s their choice to respect your wishes or not. This is the begining. Nothing is going to change overnight, and certaintly not before or even directly after the wedding. Personally we are chosing to not have his family as involved at our wedding, but they will be there.

Maybe they’ll start a fight with some of his family, maybe they won’t. Maybe they will even say or do rude things to you or your fiance on the wedding day. Or maybe they will be better then you think they will. I know the feeling that you know they won’t and how scary that is. you know what I did? I talked to my Maid/Matron of Honor, and she said she is going to keep my sister and law and mother in law in check by keeping them at a distance. Perhaps you have someone who can play interference for you too. Overall if you didn’t have your family there due to their bad behavior you would feel just as bad 15 years from now as you would if they came and acted rudely. Maybe making your expectations known to them of how you expect them to act on your wedding day will help them to understand how much this is hurting everyone. You won’t change how they feel about your finace, but it’s a start. If that talk (or even writting it NICELY in a letter and giving it to them) doesn’t go well then maybe you can think about not having them at the wedding. But I’d suggest giving them the chance to be appropriate and start your family off with a loving and open spirit. I know it’s hard. Maybe even getting the advice of a professional wouldn’t be a bad idea.

Good luck!

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