Post # 91
Exactly! Sorry, but a wife is not a date. Married couples are a unit in the eyes of the state, society, and various religions. If it were all semantics, as daysiee seems to imply, there would be no need for any social institutions. Of course, that begs the question why one would consider marriage at all.
Post # 92
No. They might be a social group, but not a social unit. There is a big difference. You can trust me on this as I am a sociologist by training (PhD) and teach this stuff at uni.
Post # 93
I think its ridiculous that they did not invite you, or even the other study group members’ SOs. You said that there were some in the group that were engaged or in serious relationships. I’m a firm believer that you do not invite 1/2 of a social unit, without inviting the other. I think the budget reason is just plain stupid. If they can’t afford to invite SOs, then they shouldn’t invite any members of the study group at all. I would much prefer that my colleague not send me an invitation at all, than to send me an invite that doesn’t include my fiancé. Anyone whose presence is truly important to you, should be able to bring their SO.
My 1st cousin has a girlfriend whom I’ve never met, I don’t even know the woman’s name, but I do know that they are in a long term committed relationship, so you bet your ass he’s getting a plus 1 for her. I’m doing this because it is proper ettiquette. Additionally, my cousin’s attendance is very important to me, and I want to make sure that I’m including the person who is really important to him. I’m not going to ask him to come celebrate my love, while I disregard his. If someone’s attendence is truly important to you, you invite their partner. If you do not care enough to invite their partner, then obviously their attendence isn’t that important to you. So don’t invite them, just to have another person fill a seat. And if you don’t care enough to not be rude to them, then that is precisely what you are doing.
So, to answer your question, Yes I think its rude for you DH’s classmate not to invite you. And I completely understand why he would decline.
Post # 94
I could be wrong about this, I’m no etiquette expert, but I think that work friends are the one exception to the “you must invite the social unit” rule because they presumably all live in town and know each other. They’re also typically not the closest friends on the invite list, so they’re not likely to feel obligated to come if they don’t want to come without their SO. (I know that this is a school friend, not technically a work friend, but grad school? Kinda like work. Same sort of relationships.)
As for your husband, he should do whatever he wants to do, but he shouldn’t do it as a statement on their etiquette. If he’ll enjoy the wedding even without you and he wants to see his friend get married, he should go. If he figures he wouldn’t have fun without you and he doesn’t really care about seeing his friend become a husband, then he shouldn’t go. It’s up to him, not up to the etiquette police.
Post # 95
That would be absolutely correct if it were a work event or an office happy hour. However, a wedding, by definition, is always a social event as marriage is a legal/social contract and institution. In this context, a married couple, like OP and her husband, is to be invited as a unit. Failure to do so is very rude indeed, and I don’t care what excuse the groom-to-be has.
I vehemently disagree that OP’s husband should do whatever he wants to do. By going, he is endorsing this person’s lack of manners — especially since the bloke apparently has been to OP’s house and knows that she exists; he cannot plead ignorance. I am a very independent person who has gone on holiday by herself, attends theatre and concert performances alone, and am by no means clinging to my husband’s arm, or any other body parts for that matter. Nonetheless, I can assure that all hell would break loose if he were to attend a wedding where I wasn’t invited and vice versa (yes, it would not go over well with my husband either). Fortunately, I have never been in a situation like that as our friends and we are the types of hosts who’d give up their seats and food to ensure a guest’s comfort.
Post # 96
He should go if he wants to.
That being said I’d be super annoyed if I were you. We’re inviting SO to our wedding. Some of which neither of us have met! (like my cousins boyfriend) but to me it would be rude not to invite someones SO. If it is a numbers issue, then your husband shouldn’t have been invited.