Post # 1
I recently came across this site and absolutely loved that there’s a virtual community to interact with others who may be dealing with similar wedding “issues.” (haha I know I live under a rock)
Anywho, I know many of you may be wondering..”what does you mean? Of course your mom should be invited to take part in one of the most important days in a woman’s life.” Well I’m sure many of you may be right but I am having doubts about it. The relationship with my mother has always been a strained and distant one, primarily because we lived in different countries and I was raised by my maternal grandparents for the first 16 years of my life. During which time, I felt her efforts to maintain communication with me were pretty poor.
10 years ago, I moved to the US in attempts to build a relationship with her and I feel like it’s been unsuccessful, even at this point. My belief is that she doesn’t support me and my other family members (her siblings, parents, etc) believe that she may be a bit jealous of my recent successes. Why do I believe she doesn’t support me? Well, she was invited to graduation ceremony (undergraduate: 2011) and after being there for a few minutes, she texted me to say she and my stepdad were hungry and went to Mc Donalds where they asked me to meet them following the ceremony. Fast forward to my graduate ceremony (2013) which she arrived late to; she didn’t witness me crossing the stage.
About a month ago (more than a year before my wedding), she sends me a text message explaining that she may not be able to make it to the wedding because she is graduating in May 2015 and by the time March 2016 rolls around, she’ll be in her new job and doesn’t believe that she will be able to take the time off. Although, I was once again disappointed by her desire to be absent from one of the most important day in my life, I responded with “okay, that’s fine..we will understand.” I don’t feel like should have to beg or plead with her to be there because her “desire” to be absent has been consistent.
I honestly don’t think she wants to be there but may feel the need to out of obligation (because she’s my mother). I believe my day should only be reserved for those who are truly happy and supportive of me (& FH).
I’m sorry if I rambled, but I wanted to provide a bit of background. Any feedback/comments will be so appreciated.
Thank you all for reading my very first post! 🙂
Post # 2
I would invite her. If she shows, she shows. If not, chalk it up to typical behavior from her.
Post # 3
trini-shar: There’s alwys more than one way of looking at things. Although her track record as a mother isn’t the greatest, she may be trying to do the right thing and give you a heads up if she is in fact, not able to get time off for your wedding.
Despite everything you have told us, I would invite her. One person more or less won’t make any difference to the budget, but you never know what you future relationship might be. You will never be able to have a do-over if you have regrets about not inviting her.
Post # 4
I would invite her unless you will find her behavior really hurtful if she is late or doesn’t show. If you fear your hurt would ruin your day, then don’t invite her, but be prepared for it to officially change your relationship if you go this route.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t invite her because I do think you notice when she fails to be there for you on those important days or leaves early. I would let her know you’re getting married and say that you know it will be difficult for her as she mentioned, but that you will be happy to share photos/videos with her after. See if she says she wants to go…if she implies that she wants to be there, I would set some guidelines (possibly make her arrive the night before so no late show).
Post # 6
Thank you all so much for your honest responses. I’m becoming way too preocuppied and after reading your feedback, maybe I should tell her that I don’t want her to be pressured into being there, just because.
julies1949: I agree that leaving her out will be a decision that will most likely influence our future relationship. My reason for not wanting to invite her is deeper than just the budget. I don’t believe that she deserves the opportunity because she has taken the advantage of those provided to her in the past.
Tinatiny1: I honestly don’t think I’d be angry if she doesn’t show. I’d actually prefer her not be there than be there not being genuinely happy for me. I don’t want her to feel obligated or pressured into being there ONLY because she is my mother.
orchidblooms: You are right on! She has disappointed so many times that I don’t even care about her being there anymore. I think offering to send photos will be a great idea! Thank you 🙂
leilarobs2: See, I don’t want to keep offering her the means to “just not show up”.
Post # 7
trini-shar: If you don’t invite her, you’ll be the “bad guy”. She’ll whine and moan and garner sympathy all around because of how terribly mean you were to not invite her.
If you invite her and she is a no-show, she gets to be the bad guy 😉
Post # 8
I agree with leilarobs2:
I would keep her out of all planning of the wedding. Then I would send her an invite at the same time as everyone else. When she contacts you to say she can’t make it (because she needs the attention and wants you to beg her to come), calmly say “I figured as much, so I’m prepared for that. Sorry you can’t make it, we’ll send a picture.” Dont get pulled into a drama–be nice, but don’t expect anything from her.
If she does attend, you’ll have to decide if you want her to be “the mother of the bride” or just another guest.
However, if you do decide not to invite her because it is just to painful or weird or you are just tired of behavior, you have every right to do that. Don’t feel like you “have” to invite her if you really don’t want to. When complains you never sent her an invitation, just remind her that she told you in March of 2015, she wouldn’t be able to make it.
Post # 9
KoiKove: wonderful advice that I WILL take. Thank you so much!