Post # 1
I am in an upcoming wedding in Boston this summer. All of the other bridesmaids live there, however I would have to fly. The bride is having her wedding in Boston, and her bachelorette in Vegas (of which all of the bridesmaids are paying for her flight and hotel- including me). I have planned to travel to both the bachelorette and wedding, which are very costly for me. The MoH and other bridesmaids were visiting venues for a shower and saw a place they loved (couldnt go because I dont lve there). I got an email saying each bridesmaid will owe 300 dollars for this venue for the shower. I already said that since I am traveling for the bachelrette and wedding, I would not be able to travel to the shower, but they seem to act like I should be paying still. All of these girls have top end job (lawyers, doctors, and MBAs), so I dont think this leaves a dent in their wallet, especially since te wedding is local for them.
I have seen mixed feelings on here, that the shower is a bridesmaid duty, and need to factor it in when choosing to accept, but this is one of my best friends and I never expected things to get this out of hand. I am definitely willing to contribute some (I think the most I had to contributed to a shower was 70-80 and that included a gift without travel), but is what I said above out of the ordinary? Should I suck it up and spend more? I am scared this will get back to the bride if I dont contribute this insane amount for an event Im not attending (and not given any input on the choice).
back to the bride
Post # 2
No! You shouldn’t have to. Plus that’s a crazy amount. Stand your ground. They can pick a less expensive venue if they really need your money to do it.
Post # 3
$300 for the venue of a bridal shower??? That’s insane!!!! I would communicate that you are unable to contribute due to financial reasons, and due to this you cannot attend the event or contribute that amount. If you feel uncomfortable with giving nothing and can afford to you can send what you feel okay with, or just send a gift.
Honestly if your other BMs told your friend that you didn’t give X amount, or anything, that’s pretty gross of them. In the end this shower is something thrown for the bride (and groom) to honor them. What you can or cannot contribute is your business only. The wedding is the most important part of being a bridesmaid. Any other EXPECTATIONS, especially financial expectations are bullshit.
Is the MOB or Future Mother-In-Law not contributing anything? I don’t think these costs should just be on the bridesmaids and Maid/Matron of Honor to pay.
Post # 4
No they arent, not sure the situation with the parents (I also think that paying for the bridesmaids flight and hotel in Vegas on top of mine is a little extreme (I think thats 200 alone for just her not including anything else we pay for, but lets not go there).
I am a little in shock with the cost, but thought maybe this was normal for a NE city (another reason I wanted to post on here because maybe I am whining too much).
Post # 5
Say no! To all of it. I’m serious. As a Bridesmaid or Best Man you are under absolutely no obligation to host or contribute to a shower, to travel out of town for an over the top bachelorette party or do anything other than stand by the bride in support on her wedding day, appropriately dressed.
Don’t let these people take advantage of you. At the very least, had you already expressed an interest in being involved, you should have been consulted as to budget and planning from the outset. Their failure to consider you at all is not your problem.
Hosting is voluntary and showers themselves are optional. If you can’t afford these things, say so and be firm about it.
Whomever is telling you that this is an obligation of the job is misguided and wrong.
ETA It’s not the mothers’ “job” either. In fact traditional etiquette considers it to be poor taste to throw a shower for your own child since it’s a gift giving occasion. More liberal etiquette allows it.
Post # 6
I could understand a bit about paying for her meals, I had to do that, even did hotel which was frustrating but I had the money and it was my SIL. Still thought her mom or sister should have paid for it. If you are all traveling, and by plane, you should NOT be expected to pay for that.
Agree with PPs, if it’s so expensive, and you are all being expected to pay that amount, the venue needs to be changed. The Maid/Matron of Honor or whoever is planning this needs to find a way to make something happen without you all being bled dry.
Post # 7
No one should have to contribute to a shower. I would simply say it’s not in your budget.
I also would not contribute toward the bride’s airfare, but if you’ve already agreed to it that ship may have sailed.
Post # 8
Girl, I have an MBA and I’d tell them that $300 is ridiculous. I’m assuming there’s at least 3 of you – $900 for a venue? Does this include food and drink? If I find out my bridesmaids are spending that much on a venue for my shower I’ll tell them to call my grandmother and see if she’ll let them have it at her house. Much too much.
Post # 9
Saw your other note about New England. I’ve spent lots of time in Boston and New Hampshire and still I say hell to the nah. Tell them what you are willing to contribute and if they pitch a bitch, let them pitch a bitch. You’ve got bills to pay and your own savings goals.
Post # 10
Absolutely not …& $300 each for a venue rental for a shower is ridiculous to begin with. I’ve never been to a shower that cost money for a rental.
Post # 11
If you are not hosting the shower, you should not have to contribute to the shower.
Post # 12
No way. You are not hosting or attending. I don’t think you should contribute a cent and I don’t even think you need to get her a shower gift.
Post # 13
Being a bridesmaid does not obligate you to host a prewedding party.
You are not obligated to fund parties you are not hosting.
You are not cohosting this party, let alone attending it. I would just send an email back that reads “sorry guys, I’ve looked at my budget and I’m not going to be able to co-host or attend this party. Look forward to seeing you all at the bachelorette.”
Post # 14
I would say no both to attending and/or contibuting to the shower and the bachelorette. It is absurd to be paying that amount of money for a shower you can’t attend and an out of town bachelorette.