Post # 1
Ok, guys I need some advice. Let me start of by saying that I come from a big Italian family. My father is covering the cost of the venue, food, alcohol, and cake. Outside of that my fiancé and I are covering the remainder of the cost of the wedding, for example DJ, florist, photographer/video, dress, etc. Because we’re splitting the cost 50/50 I feel like I should have a say in who is invitied. I really wanted to keep the wedding smaller/intimate and not extend invites past first cousins. There is something special to me about having people at the wedding that really know the couple. I find that in prevous weddings I have been to with this scenario it allows for a warmer and more loving environment/energy in the room. However, my father wants to invite his first counsins (aka my second cousins) to come to the wedding. If I get 100% attendence from them this will make the wedding count ~130 people. My current list without them is 100 people. The only reason I am considering this is because my venue requires a minimum of 125 heads. So, I do feel bad that my father is paying for about 25 heads that won’t be there with my smaller intimate list. But, in my defense we were told by the venue that the extra money to cover the 25 heads could be used towards food enhancements ex. carving station at cocktail hour, exit station, etc. I am torn on what to do beacause I want a smaller wedding, but this issue is tearing me and my parents apart. I can see that it means a lot to my Dad to have his cousins there. It would be a lot easier of a decision if I knew the second cousins well, but I dont. Also, I am not close with my father so it is hard foe me to feel for his point of view. Sometimes I just don’t get the Italian “respect” mind set. The main reason I am considering inviting them is because I feel guilty about him being forced to pay for 125 people at the venue and my list falling so short of that count. That would be like him paying ~4500 for people who arent there and I know I would hate to spend that kind of money without people to take those spots. Lastly, my parents don’t have friends. There family is their friends, so I am trying to look at it like that as well. At the end of the day it would be 2-3 tables of people which isn’t much. What should I do?
Also secondary question, is it common to invite groom’s step mother’s family?
Post # 2
I don’t even know why this is a question.
You literally don’t have enough people to make the cut-off, and your father, who is making a major financial contribution, wants to invite his close relatives who are conveniently exactly the number needed for the venue. This seems like a perfect solution.
If you want a small wedding where you have 100% control over the guest list, you need to pay for it yourself.
Post # 3
If he’s paying for the venue and catering and wants more guests then I don’t think it’s fair to cut the list off below the minimum venue capacity considering he will be paying for ’empty seats’.
Plus I don’t think 100 or 125 guests make sure the difference between an intimate and a large wedding.
Post # 4
Venue, food, alcohol and cake was more than 1/2 our budget, I dont know about yours. The rule for me is, you pay, you have a say. We got lists from both sides of the family and we invited them as requested. We chose to cut down friends to allow for family to attend. So we invited 160, only inviting maybe 40 friends, the rest is family.
Post # 5
Expect 20% to decline. I say invite them.
Post # 6
Thanks guys I was leaning towards inviting them too. Just needed some validation I was doing the right thing.
Post # 7
Remember that if you invite 130 it doesn’t mean that 130 will RSVP yes. Even if you have a high attendance rate of 90% that’s 117 people, which is still 8 people under the maximum. If you only invited 100 in the first place and got 90% attendance you’d be 35 people under the max. As someone mentioned, surely venue, food, alcohol and cake is more than half the budget? I had a similar situation where my grandmother forced me to invite her siblings. I did invite them and on the day I barely even noticed. That was easier though as it was only 6 people not 30! I do understand your dilemma.
(side note because I’m pedantic – your dad’s first cousins are your first cousins once removed 😛 much easier to say second cousins though!)
Post # 8
This doesn’t sound like something worth falling out over. Invite them. It’s his money.
how close is your Fiance to his step mum? Does he want her family there?
Post # 9
As your father is paying a considerable amount for the wedding, I’d say to just invite his cousins. We had a few of our parents cousins at our wedding – but only the ones DH and/or I are close with. The rest of them probably wouldn’t even know our names (nor are our parents in contact with them) so it would have felt very strange to invite them. Like PPs have said, not everyone will come.
As for the step mother’s family, I think this entirely depends on your relationship with them. I have a step mother and we invited her immediate family (sister + SO, brother + SO, dad + wife and mum + husband) to our wedding. I actually have a relationship with these people though and they treated me like family from the moment my dad married my step mother. We didn’t invite any of my step mother’s step siblings (she has 6) because I’ve only met them once and my step mother doesn’t even have a relationship with them. My step grandfather flew in from another country to attend, which was incredibly generous of him and we were not expecting at all. If your Fiance doesn’t know his step mother’s family, I don’t think there’s any need for them to be invited.
Post # 10
ejt4033 : Also secondary question, is it common to invite groom’s step mother’s family?
For the stepmother’s children: If he ever shared a house with them, or is close to them for another reason, then yes. If he’s not close to them at all (e.g. because the father remarried after he moved out of home), then no.
For the stepmother’s wider family (e.g. her siblings or parents) – no.
Post # 11
My parents paid for our wedding. We let them invite anyone they wanted! I can’t imagine pushing back on the guest list when they were so generous.
Post # 12
Your father’s first cousins are also your first cousins (once removed).
Post # 13
Ok guys I messed up the terminology. My parent’s have always referred to them as my second cousins, hence I call them that. Also, I do recognize that for other weddings the things my father is covering are more cost value than the parts my fiance and are are covering, but that is not the case in our wedding. We have run the cost of his bill vs ours and it is essentially even, perhaps off by a few hundred. I have made the decision to invite the first cousins (once removed) and I feel good about it. Although I do not know them well, it feels good to put the seats to good use since they have to be paid for. Also, I will not be inviting the step mother’s family as my Fiance is not close to her or them. Good to know that’s appropriate. Thanks for the advice.
Post # 14
I wasn’t picking. A LOT of people really don’t know the relationship there. It’s confusing. Glad you’re inviting them. It is not a huge deal for you but your parents are in somewhat of an awkward position with the cousins when it comes up in conversation and they weren’t invited. My daughter didn’t invite my first cousins because she isn’t close with them but I am and they’re kinda pissy with me now because they weren’t invited.
Post # 15
Yeah, I would have to say let your dad invite them.