(Closed) Should she be in the program?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow.  This sounds like a really difficult decision.  Personally, if it were me, I would leave her out.  I think, for your own sake, it would cause more problems if you left her in and she didn’t show up than if you omitted her name.  Since the program usually includes those who are standing with you, people might wonder why her name is on there if she’s not there.  And, you don’t need any naysayers at your own wedding!  I think she might feel more guilty (if that is how you want her to feel) looking back and seeing that she WASN’T included. 

Post # 4
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009 - Bernardo Winery

That is a tough one. I would say if she isn’t coming to the wedding not to put her in the program. Ppl are sure to ask where she is anyway, but I think putting her in the program would remind more ppl that she wasn’t there. I wouldn’t want to make your wedding day about the fact that she isn’t there.

Post # 6
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Can you make her an honorary Maid/Matron of Honor, that way you can have her in the program even if she’s not there in person?  I know that nothing could replace having her there, but would it make you feel a little better about things, or would it make it harder for you?

I’m sorry that this situation hasn’t resolved itself 🙁  I hope you are able to find peace in the unfortunate circumstances that present themselves.

Hug!

Post # 7
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m so sorry to hear that you haven’t heard from her yet. 

If it were me, I’d leave her out – and, if she DOES show up, then you can always squeeze her in the wedding easily – and if that’s the case – I’m sure the last thing she’ll do is see the program (when I’m in the wedding party, I never see the program anyway!).  It’s really for your guests – and it will make her all the more noticeable for them, if she’s listed. 

Post # 8
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Just from following your posts about your experience, this situation is pretty unique. I have to say that you have handled this situation with so much grace and patience – I know I would have written her off long ago. its so sad that she will be missing the day, but I think she will be there in your heart. I would keep her in the program.

Do your guests know the situation about your sister being MIA so that they won’t start questioning why she isn’t standing there? 

good luck!

Post # 9
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009 - Bernardo Winery

That is tuff…She has been MIA and couldn’t really expect you to plan your wedding around her. She is married, so she must know what goes into planning a wedding. Hopefully it isn’t something that she would bring up on the day and you could explain later. I am so sorry your sister is putting you through this.

Post # 10
Member
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Don’t use it as a guilt trip for her. If you keep her in with that intention, if/when you guys work things out later, you’ll regret it and your program will be a reminder of a "taking the low road" moment of your wedding. I dont think you want those going together. Also, be thoughtful of that when answering questions about where she is. Be happy, fib about a sudden whatever that kept her from coming, and deal with it privately later, or totally forget about it.

I personally would not put her in the program, but thats me. I think at this point it should be a family decision – just dont do anything you might regret later. Dont let her pull you down into a negative place on your wedding day.

Post # 11
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Could you potentially do kind of a compromise and include something about her in the program, but not list her with all of the other attendants?  Maybe put something along the lines of,

"To my best friend and my sister, distance may separate us, but in our hearts we’re as close as ever.  I know we will be thinking of each other today."* 

If you decide to do this, I would just be careful to make sure the wording conveys that you wish she was with you and that it doesn’t seem like a rememberance for someone that has passed on.

I wouldn’t feel right about not mentioning my sister either if I were in the same circumstance… I just wouldn’t want people to think she hadn’t shown up when it seemed that she would, as leaving her in the program with the rest of the attendants might insinuate.

*Just an example… I don’t know the exact circumstances of your situation with your sister so I am not exactly sure of what would and wouldn’t be appropriate for you two.

Post # 13
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee

I would include her in the program as Honorary Maid/Matron of Honor.

Post # 14
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

hmmm — well I have every bit of faith that eventually she will come back into your life. Whether its by the wedding, who knows. I guess I’m wondering what would be worse to come back to: a program  with my name there when I wasn’t (This would make me feel worse about leaving in the first place) or a program with my name missing (This would make me feel like I had been forgotten or disregarded).

I think I would want to be remembered – forgiven not forgotten. Does this make any sense?

Post # 15
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009 - Red Fish Grill

My sister was my Maid/Matron of Honor and the only one standing with me.  I can imagine how special your sister must be to you.  How far in advance are you planning to have the programs done?  With a little over a month left, maybe there’s time to find out for certain whether she will be able to make it before finalizing the programs.  If not, then Honorary Maid/Matron of Honor sounds like a possible solution.

I wish you the best!

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