(Closed) Should she pay for it?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 137
2515 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Some people in this thread obviously hate children. All kids have grocery store tantrums ( someone mentioned that ). It doesn’t mean their parents are unfit.

OP, I disagree with the decision you and your BM’s came to, but I hope the situation with this woman works out so you can keep your friendship and get a cake replacement with no bad feelings on either end. I do agree she was rude; I just didn’t agree with the follow-up idea.

Post # 138
2587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

@Carlasgettingmarried:  I’m glad to hear it – I hope you get good news from this! Please update us!

Post # 139
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@MsW-to-MrsM:  I dont think its that people hate children (well some might), or at least I dont, its the unruly ones, the out of control ones that make it so bad. If I had a child I would never think to bring them somewhere where it was clearly stated they werent invited. And to top it off this kid ruined something that was supposed to meaningful and the idiot mother just laughs? That is rude and hurtful and moreover insulting. How could she proclaim to be their friend and then do absolutely nothing to right her wrong (or that of her child’s)? She probably wont give up a dime but I think its more than reasonable for them to ask for the $$ back. Getting out of hand with her definitely wont work but asking justtttttttttttttttttttt might.

I read a couple of post where people simply stated “some people are rude”. Yes some peple are rude but that doesnt mean the rest of the world has to tolerate it. I know I damn sure dont!

Post # 140
644 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Taeyers:  Agreed 110%  I can’t believe the woman laughed it off and didn’t apologize.   Some people are saying she was probably embarassed.  YEA?   AND?  She’s an adult – you can still apologize while being embarassed.  

And call me crazy and yes – I know it’s rude to point out when someone else is being rude but…..I have no qualms with a rude person knowing that I as well as other people are pissed at them.   No skin off my back.   *clutches pearls*








Post # 141
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I don’t get the “it was an accident, it was just cake, she was embarassed, it’s ok, let it go” messages. I would be embarassed and it would be an accident it I rear-ended the car in front of me (even worse if that car belonged to a friend!!)…but I still have to pay to get their car fixed. Accidents do happen but as adults it is our job to take responsibility for them. Laughing it off or pretending it didn’t happen doesn’t help the situation – nor does it teach her child how to behave as an adult. Sometimes when parents when use that teachable moment life has to give you the lesson. Good job OP for standing up for yourself!


Post # 142
12206 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I agree with everyone that the woman should have kept a better eye on her child and that she should have apologized profusely for the incident.  She was insensitive and rude.   However,  there is a big difference between offering to pay for something you broke and something that was going to be eaten!

 If you break a chair or a piece of good crystal those things can be used again for many years.  One should at least offer to repair or replace.  A polite host is supposed to turn down such an offer if it was an accident and can  graciously accept if the item is expensive and the fault was the guest’s

But if a celebration cake is dropped it’s not as if you are going to have the chance to eat it again for years into the future.   There is a window of opportunity of only hours when its replacement would make any kind of a  difference. What’s done is done.   Nobody is going to be be eating a huge cake after the fact. 

To go after this woman in a punitive way or to “teach her a lesson” is   just as bad as what she did.  

Post # 143
2268 posts
Buzzing bee

@stuckinwonderland:  “You can say something to her, but she obviously doesn’t care to take responsibility for her child, so I doubt she’s going to do anything.

@star_dust:  “I totally agree with you that it is not acceptable. Do accidents happen? Yes. But is a child likely to smash himself into a cake at a party if his mother is keeping a responsible eye on him? No. When a child is at an adult event he or she should be closely monitored by an adult, not allowed to roam and run wherever. The child should be learning not to touch things without permission, but at the very least a parent should make sure their child is keeping their hands to themselves and not touching food (like the kid who touches every cookie before choosing one). I don’t think you should call and ask for money but it definitely would have been polite for that mother to offer compensation, or at the very least an apology.

@MexiPino:  “You’re right. It’s horrible that she didnt keep control of her child. It’s horrible that she laughed it off and didn’t apologize. It’s pretty annoying that she didn’t offer to pay for the damage. And it really REALLY sucks that your awesome surprise was ruined. 

All that said, two wrongs don’t make a right. You can’t call and demand an apology. She is a selfish, irresponsible person. There’s not much you can do about that other than stop inviting her and her crazy child to parties.

@FoxyBride14:  “I HATE the kids will be kids argument. No, it’s not kids will be kids. My brother and I never destroyed people’s property because we knew how to behave in public because our parents taught us How. There’s nothing that I hate more than parents who think that their children can run amuck just because they are kids. children should be disciplined and be taught how to behave properly. And if an accident happens, then a parent should apologize for it and teach their child how to apologize. this is why there is so little respect for authority these days. Lax parenting.

+1. I love you all.

OP, this woman obviously doesn’t care that her child is an unruly brat, so I doubt contacting her to ask for an apology or compensation is likely to change anything.

If I were you I would simply stop inviting her or her brat to any events and perhaps she’ll figure it out on her own, that she needs to teach her child basic manners. And if she doesn’t figure it out and has the stupidity to asks, feel free to give it to her straight.

Parents like this piss me off.

ETA: I just read your update: I cannot wait to see what the parent says.

Post # 144
1784 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@weddingmaven:  But they are getting a new cake for a different party. That’s a perfect chance for the friend to at least help replace what her child ruined. 

Post # 145
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Carlasgettingmarried:  wow. Let us know what happens. 

@MsW-to-MrsM:  nope, definitely don’t hate children. I’m actually a teacher (albeit a HS one but still). I just think that parents should take responsibility of their kids. You can tell which children have parents who are on top of them, versus the ones who aren’t. 

Post # 146
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - W Hotel Silicon Valley

I don’t think you should ask her to pay for it–it’s food. It’d be gone by now anyway. If it were something that physically broke, like the cake stand, or glassware, then sure. Let it go.

Post # 147
1926 posts
Buzzing bee

@MsW-to-MrsM:  It’s not that some of us hate children. It’s that we severely dislike undisciplined, badly behaved children. This child wasn’t even supposed to be at the party and the mother clearly couldn’t give two shits about what her kid was doing. There is no excuse for shitty parenting; if you don’t want to parent well, don’t become a parent. 

Post # 148
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Carlasgettingmarried:  I totally would, but I have very little patience for selfish parents who insist on bringing badly behaved kids and then not watching them well enough. Basically, I can be kind of a harsh, but this would not have happened if she had been supervising her child like she should have, and she should have offered to pay. Since she didn’t, I see no problem with politely asking her. It’s not the cushiest thing to do, but it is not OK to have pooled money to buy a very costly cake, and for the person who destroyed it to not reimburse it.

Edit: Just saw your update. I hope it turns out well! Even if she doesn’t pay up, it at least shows her that her actions do make an impression on people and have consequences.

Post # 149
12206 posts
Sugar Beekeeper


“UPDATE: I was encouraged by you guys’ advice (well, most of you) and I talked it over with the other BMs about what they would like to do. The overwhelming response was to ask this woman for the money so that we can present her with a new cake at her rehearsal dinner…

Apart from me two BMs know this woman and one of them has agreed to call her and speak to her. I have seen this Bridesmaid or Best Man in action (she is one of my BFFs)…”

 @Jabberwocky:  “But they are getting a new cake for a different party. That’s a perfect chance for the friend to at least help replace what her child ruined.”

OP, in your place I would reconsider this course of action. One can only properly  teach etiquette lessons to children and adults who are asking for advice, such as in a forum like this one.  It is always unacceptable to coerce or   pressure someone who hasn’t asked for your input into doing the right thing. 

As for buying the rehearsal dinner cake, that is an offer that certainly could have been made by this woman.  But the two events are totally separate.  The shower is generally thrown by friends and the rehearsal dinner by the groom’s family.   And it’s a moot point anyway because she DIDN’T make any such  offer.   From the OP’s and the BM’s side of things  it should be the end of it. 

I watched my kids like a hawk when they were that age, but it really bothers me to read some of the language here directed at children.  


Post # 150
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@weddingmaven:  Really? You believe it is wrong to ever confront someone about their bad behaviour, unless they personally ask for it? I am sorry, but I vehemently disagree.

Letting jerks be jerks out of “politeness” is no kind action – it is instead allowing them to be disliked by and alienate others. I think it is, while maybe “nice” on the outside, one of the cruelest things a person can do to another.

Post # 151
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

She definately should have offered to pay but it would definately be rude to call and ask for money. sorry 🙁

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