(Closed) Should she pay for it?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 168
1943 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Carlasgettingmarried:  I’ve lurked but avoided this thread, but I think this resolution makes sense.  *hugs* best of luck

Post # 169
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

@Carlasgettingmarried:  I’m also a lot nicer in real life than this thread makes me sound so 

Hey, I totally get it. You came here to vent, and vent you did. And to be honest, you were a lot politer about it than you could have been considering the anonymity aspect of it all. EVERYONE has one of ‘those friends’ who is part of a larger group, who you have to invite to events if you invite everyone else so you don’t look like a jerk, but who every so often will do something to just drive you nuts. I’ve got two, who I can be perfectly civil with and occasionally actually get on pretty well with, although one only speaks to me when I’m part of a larger group and consistently blanks my FH, and the other keeps trying to give me life therapy. Yours unfortunately comes with a destructive mini-me.


PP have said it doesn’t matter because the cake would have been eaten. Well, yes, that’s why you bought it – to be eaten. As it was, you’d paid the money and actually didn’t get to do what you bought it for. It’s like paying for a Big Mac and getting an empty box. Yeah, all you were going to do was eat it, but at lunchtime that’s not going to comfort you when your burger’s gone.

You’ve bitched, she’s going to bitch (on her ~blog~ good grief – do it, but for the love of cake don’t TELL people you’re going to do it. Even at 14 I knew better than to use that as a threat to people), you’re getting the cake and she’s been given a bit of a wakeup call about how her child behaves – or at the very least her husband has! And from now on you know to call her out of stuff when it happens, and at the wedding can have the bridesmaids in attack formation ready to head off any wayward toddlers before they can get into any more trouble!
Lesson learned.

Post # 170
13967 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@Luayne:   It is an etiquette issue.  Look it up if you like.  

View original reply
@arabbel:  I never said it’s always wrong to confront people who hurt you.  I said it’s wrong to go after this woman for money because her child ruined a cake. 

Post # 171
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

UGH how annoying. I agree she should have offered to pay but I think it would be rude if you asked her for money.

Post # 172
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

i would love to see the blog.

Post # 173
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Carlasgettingmarried:  Yea – I need to know what that blog is.

And I hope it’s featured on “STFU parents!” blog

I’m not shocked by her reaction to flipping out – clearly she thinks the world revolves around her and her little precious – you saw how she reacted to what happened:  she laughed it off and didn’t apologize.   At least now she knows people think she’s obnoxious. 


Post # 174
2637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

bahahaha…. yes, I totally want to see the blog!

Post # 175
13967 posts
Honey Beekeeper





ear Miss Manners, After a guest in our home damaged a kitchen chair (he was tipping back on the chair's back legs), it was found to be beyond repair and we were advised to have it replaced. Our friend was very apologetic and offered to pay for the replacement on more than one occasion. Thinking him sincere, we supplied him with the replacement value of the chair (it was solid wood and rather expensive). He wrote a check for the piece but included a scathing letter claiming it was a "breach of etiquette" to expect him to pay for the chair and went on to make several unkind remarks about my husband's character. My husband responded by immediately writing a letter of apology and voiding the check. I'm afraid the friendship is beyond repair as well. How should we have handled this situation? 

Gentle Reader:
What you have here, Miss Manners is afraid, is a sore winner. Not to
mention a former friend and a broken chair.
Etiquette requires that a guest who broke something offer to repair
or replace it, that a host insist that this is not necessary, that the guest
insist it would make him feel better to do so, and so on. Furthermore, it
requires that each appear to be trying to win, winning in this case meaning
absorbing the cost.
So far, so good. You both did your parts. Now Miss Manners supposes
you want to know who should win.
This is a complex question. Ordinarily, the host should win,
considering that wear, tear and an occasional whoops are a normal part of
running a household.
But if the item is valuable, and the guest was misusing it (no fair
setting up your rickety antiques that dissolve into kindling when a guest so
much as looks at them), you can let him win. Such was the case here.
But that is no longer the question. The breach of etiquette in
insulting your husband cannot be fixed.


Post # 177
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Carlasgettingmarried:  I don’t think it’s emotional blackmail…they need to do the right thing. I don’t get it. I really don’t. How and when did it become acceptable to tear up someone’s property (regardless if it’s edible) and not repair or replace it? Why would you want to be around these people — people who clearly don’t know right from wrong. I can only image what’s next for the toddler to break. Such nonsense.

I hope the bride has moved past this onward to her wedding day.

Post # 178
442 posts
Helper bee

Let this be a lesson to those outlining guests lists why you should stand very firm on your “adults only”/”no children” plans … I am a mother, and I would NEVER have allowed my child to behave like that without doing everything in my power to immediately rectify the situation somehow, someway. To do anything else (as the OP’s ‘friend’ did by laughing it off and not offering any recompense) is an extremely ignorant thing to do. And yes, bad behavior IMO deserves to be dealt with in a tactful, appropriate way. I’m all for being polite, but lets face it, Emily Post isn’t living in 2013, and there are a LOT of ignoramouses in the world. Only way to deal with them is directly, swiftly and with tact when possible.

The mother of this child is doing her spawn a serious disservice allowing her to behave that way, not correcting the behavior, and worse yet, setting an example that it’s okay to destroy others’ things without apology or recompense. I’m sure you’ll see her mug shot in a few years on your local news outlet.

And to those who toss out how hard it is to raise a toddler, “kids will be kids” … BS! You control your kids and accept responsibility for their actions, or you don’t take them places – PERIOD. It starts in the home (little Susie learning how to listen to mommy, keep her hands to herself, etc.); then public (little Susie sharing on the playground, not hurting others’ or their toys, etc.); then social activities (IF she is invited). And BS for whining about how hard it is … I’ve been a single mom raising a toddler through teenager myself … You do what you have to do … you don’t make excuses for your/your child’s poor behavior.

OP – Good luck! Hope this chick isn’t invited to the wedding … if so, better get a cage for that little animal!

Post # 180
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@JoCoJenn:  This is the part where we give you a standing ovation.

Post # 181
881 posts
Busy bee

@Carlasgettingmarried:  wow, what an update! I didn’t expect it to turn out like that but I’m glad things are resolved. Kind of funny how a unbehaved child comes from a mother who has to cry and complain to get her husband to fix her problems. And she didn’t tell her husband what had happened…mindblown. 

Well OP, I hope the rest of the events leading up to your good friend’s wedding go smoother. Best of luck. Cool


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