Post # 197
@Luayne: IKR? I think the person who writes Miss Manners lives in a different time, because all of her advice seems to be so weirdly outdated and wrong for the modern world. Etiquette is something that changes over time and I think that nowadays it’s about respect and clear commnication rather than this silly pantomime that achieves nothing from 20+ years passed.
I’m glad that this issue was addressed and resolved/ I think it would be silly for everyone who payed for the cake to grow more and more resentful about it but never saying anything because it might come across as rude. If Miss Manners readers think me uncouth for hanndling the situation this way then they can shut up, because to say something would be impolite.
Post # 198
@Carlasgettingmarried: Sorry, I was slow on reading the update. The Rehearsal Dinner was an even better idea! I want to see this blog too! lol
Post # 199
@Carlasgettingmarried: A lot of it is from a different time period. What a lot of people that are always quoting ‘etiquette’ don’t seem to understand is that etiquette and tradition change and evolve according to time and culture. What was right 100 years ago is NOT right for today. If that was the case most women on here would be in serious trouble! And the 20+ years should be more like 60+ years. My first wedding was 20+ years ago and I would have definitely thought the exact same thing back then!
I’m glad that you worked out a solution even if your (ex)friend and her SO don’t seem to get it. Maybe now that they will be out a little money they might consider watching their child better even if it is only because of the monetary value rather than because they think their child should behave.
At some point AFTER the replacement cake has been bought I would love to know where to find her blog….better late than never! 😉
Post # 200
@Luayne: I’m already married. Out of all of my guests only one wrote in “and guest”. We called and apologized for any miscommunication and said we’re sorry, but we aren’t inviting +1s for casual dates. One guest RSVPed yes and then didn’t show up. We suspected that this person knew full well that they would never make it. The point is, hordes of people are not showing up at weddings with uninvited guests. Most people are a lot more considerate than that.
To me, good manners is not about which fork to use when. It’s about consideration for others and making life more pleasant for everyone. In this case, it would have avoided a lot of over the top and unnecessary drama. There were other people involved, too, including this woman’s H.
By backing people into a corner, you also make them defensive and less likely to do the right thing. IMO, if she had asked the OP why everyone seemed so put off, she could have told her that people thought it was inconsiderate to bring a young child uninvited and then not supervise . And that everyone felt really badly about what happened and why that particular cake was so meaningful to the bride. At least that would have given her a chance to do the right thing on her own rather than be strong armed into it.
As for the price of this infamous cake, no one host was out more than $15, but that’s not really the point. Part of the burden and responsibility of entertaining falls on the hosts. If your antique chairs are likely to be broken, put them away. If young children are coming, watch them or ask the mother to please be careful of the cake. The mother should have assumed the responsibility on her end, but hosts always take a chance of something going wrong on theirs.
In any case, I just think that a lot of etiquette is just common sense human relations and even more applicable today than in years past.
Post # 201
@weddingmaven: “if young children are coming…”
You just negated your own point. This mother has NOT watched her child in previous circumstances and got angry when anyone else said anything. She was specifically told NOT to bring the child AND offered FREE babysitting with someone that has done it before. You can say what you want the mother should just watch HER obviously poorly behaved child!
Anyways I’m done with this topic. It’s pathetic how people don’t take responsibility these days for any of their (or their children’s) actions. No wonder there are so many snotty people out there.
Post # 202
@Luayne: I already addressed that in post 193. Once the child went into the party, he or she was a last minute, if uninvited, guest. If everyone knows that the kid behaves that badly, and the mother does not supervise, I would have moved the cake where it can’t be reached, position someone between it and kid, or warn the mom that since no children were expected there is a cake in harm’s way and she needs to be very careful. And no, none of that should have been necessary and she was rude. But now we are just talking in circles.
Post # 203
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking someone to replace something broken out of negligence or misuse. That is not bad ettiquette.
Now if it was something broken through normal use or defect, then yes, as a host, you don’t blame that on your guest. For example, a friend of mine was at a little party where wine was served. She was drinking from her wineglass and the stem just suddenly broke. She was using the glass as intended, in a normal fashion, and she did not do anything negligent or abusive to it. It was likely defective or already cracked when she received it. When the hostess asked her fot $30 to replace it, we all thought that was very rude.
However, if you were playing with the wineglasses, making a pyramid or balancing them on edge or something, and broke one, then that wouldn’t be rude to be asked for payment, because you were not using them as intended and were negligent that one broke.
It doesn’t matter if it was a kid or not – if the thing breaks because the kid abused it then it’s the parents’ fault.
The fact that the mom felt butthurt about it doesn’t mean that it was rude to ask her for the money, or to ask the husband, IMO.
Post # 205
@Carlasgettingmarried: ‘expect to appear on my blog!’
Link to the blog! Please!
Post # 206
it would be very rude to ask her to pay for the cake. Accidents happen, and while it sucks, it wasn’t on purpose. It would have been nice of the mom to offer to reimburse the cost, but you can’t ask her to do so.
Post # 207
@weddingmaven: I don’t know what’s not taking the “higher road” by asking someone to finance their own mistakes. So we will have to disagree.